To not allow him Christmas?

[madmumoffourBHTJ]

Me and the EX split 6 years ago when DD was 2. Contact has never been consistant. He seen DD as when it suited him and would only see her for couple of hours before making an excuse he had other plans. He goes months without seeing her, longest 12 months as I was awarded a restraining order and refused to have contact supervised.

Last he seen DD was may this year, I also get no financial help from him although he is working, living with his current partner her 2 children and they also have a child together.

Last week he has messaged me telling me to send him an Xmas list from DD. So now he's decided he wants to be part of her life again for one day.

I want to tell him no, I don't think he should be able to pick and choose when it suits him anymore, he never has to pick up the pieces with DD. He'll promise to call her and come see her soon and he never follows through.

I feel I shouldn't have to say yes, just because it's Christmas.

AIBU?

I would just ignore and see if he follows up. Oh, and then go to CmS and make him pay for his child.

No yanbu.
It’s not fair on you and not fair on DD.
No way should he be able to play happy families when it suits him.

Surely he's just talking about buying a present though? Sharing a Christmas list doesn't mean he wants to have her over for the day? Anyway, YANBU I wouldn't send her under the circumstances yoy described if that's his request?

YANBU. He needs to make an effort all the time, not just swoop in once a year like Santa.

YANBU to not sending her there for the day. However if he wants to buy a gift then I would say yes! Pick something nice that she wants - and think of it as being for her benefit and not his.

As shitty a parent as he is, you shouldn't deny your DD a nice present from him. Why are you so worried about this?

Im on the fence about the gift, though I'm leaning more towards 'no'

Out of curiosity, why don't you claim and financial help for your child?

He can get to know his daughter then he wont need a list he will know what she likes

Agree with others - he is only asking for a list of what to buy her. I wouldnt agree to him seeing her though (thats a whole different story, given his track record). Make sure he has to put his hand in his pocket and buy her something really nice though.

Walkingdeadfangirl im worried because he's only ever bothered with 2 other christmas's in the past, and 3 of DD's birthdays. Nothing he does is consistent

How about you tell him he can get a present but it will be labelled from Father Christmas ?

If he really just wants to buy her a nice gift he should be ok with that.

Omzlas he has paid maintainance on and off when it suits him, that's not been consistent either, I have applied to Csa/cms numerous of times, but he avoids them and his partner lie saying he doesn't live there. Also there have been times where he has quit his job so he doesn't have to pay.

He used to pull the same moves with his other 2 children from a previous relationship before me.

Its not consistent, your DD will know this, she will decide what to do about it when she is an adult. But she has to live with him as her father forever and if on this occasion he is trying, why would you stop that (he is never going to replace you).

Minipie that is something he won't do, I just hurled verbal abuse if I ask that he don't sign his name.

I thought this was going to be about him wanting her to spend the day at his.

I think YWBU to try to block him buying her a present. You are going to build resentment from your dd as she gets older. You should be pleased he is wanting to make an effort this year. You don't need to tell dd as, if he doesn't do as promised, then she will know nothing about it and not feel let down. If he does get her something nice, then that is a bonus.

Just ignore him

‘No.’ Done.

Or

‘Im not parenting for you. Choose your own present.’ and shove it up your arse

I feel I shouldn't have to say yes, just because it's Christmas.

You are her parent. This muppet is a stranger to her. If they didn't share genes, would you think he was a good influence to let into her life?

Why not write a letter to him once a year, telling how she's doing and put the emphasis in him to start writing back consistently? That way it isn't feel good pressies and letting her down, but something concrete she can look at in later life. Whatever you decide, contact should be through you until he proves he can be a parent.

Well you could start the list with...

1. Regular maintenance payments from my dad.
2. Regular and committed contact with my dad.

Give him some suggestions for a gift that would be something that she would really like, but not one of the things that she really really wants IYSWIM (on the assumption that someone else will get her the things that she really really wants)

Don't tell her that her father is getting her a gift, so she doesn't get her hopes up

Yes, suggest some gifts that she would enjoy (but not the things she most wants, in case he doesn't actually bother to get them). Don't engage further. The best result is that DD gets a nice extra gift - but don't tell her until it arrives.

Ok, for all of you that are saying it's just a gift allow him and I take that option that is him yet again picking and choosing. He only wants to make the effort because it's Christmas....being Christmas in my opinion isn't good enough, what about the other 364 days of the year?

So him picking and choosing, when will it end if I never say no to him? I fear that him popping up in her life as and when it suits him will do more harm than good.

DD is now 8 and knows what he is like. She knows never to expect anything from him as I've never lied to her, always been up front and honest and let her decide.

So with that being said, should I ask DD if she wants to give him a list?

No - don't put DD in that position!

She's not old enough to make an adult decision. She will probably feel pressured to say yes to a gift (and most children would probably choose a gift over not having one). She would then know that her father was thinking about buying her a gift, so if it doesn't show up then it will hurt her.

Just say to him "She's really into LOL Surprise Dolls at the moment and would love a display stand for them or a couple of Lil Sister balls" (or whatever) and see what happens

Send a list. She may be delighted with a present from her dad. If you try to control how the relationship functions she will have no chance of making her own decision.

So him picking and choosing, when will it end if I never say no to him? I fear that him popping up in her life as and when it suits him will do more harm than good

He is picking and choosing but there is nothing you can/should do about that. He might very well do more harm than good but you can't shelter your DD from that now. Do you really think it would be better that he say to his adult daughter, "I wanted to know you more but your mother.... stopped me".

She has a dad, he is a shit dad, your DD has to learn to deal because he is her dad. She isn't going to love her dad just because he buys her a present. But its her call, you shouldn't deny her a present from him either (even if its a one off).

You have to love your DD more than you hate her father.