To not allow him Christmas?

[madmumoffourBHTJ]

Me and the EX split 6 years ago when DD was 2. Contact has never been consistant. He seen DD as when it suited him and would only see her for couple of hours before making an excuse he had other plans. He goes months without seeing her, longest 12 months as I was awarded a restraining order and refused to have contact supervised.

Last he seen DD was may this year, I also get no financial help from him although he is working, living with his current partner her 2 children and they also have a child together.

Last week he has messaged me telling me to send him an Xmas list from DD. So now he's decided he wants to be part of her life again for one day.

I want to tell him no, I don't think he should be able to pick and choose when it suits him anymore, he never has to pick up the pieces with DD. He'll promise to call her and come see her soon and he never follows through.

I feel I shouldn't have to say yes, just because it's Christmas.

AIBU?

I get how angry you are, but crap Dad or not your DD would still like a present from her father I expect.

Don't stand in the way - but I agree suggest something she'd like, not something she'd love!

Send him a list with some of the latest most wanted toys on it and watch him go quiet again when he realises how expensive this Christmas lark is..

Thanks for all your replies. I've slept on it and spoken to my Partner this morning. He's also on the fence, we've been together since DD was 3 so he's seen and witnessed everything first hand and secondly he's providing for her so I value his opinion. He seems to think money is the better option here as then DD can spend on what she wants, she will have spending money anyway for after Christmas so wouldn't be too huge of an impact.

As for contact, it's a big no no. Not by my choice. He is violent and abusive but only after we split (together he was a diff person). Regarding the restraining order I mentioned, that was because he showed up at my house drunk and violent, he then tried to kick my front door down to gain entry. Courts has told him regarding contact he is to apply for a contact order...he hasn't. And social services have recommended that he doesn't see DD unsupervised.

Yanbu if he wants her Christmas Day, no way! He hasn't earned the right to a Christmas Day.

My Ex is similarly useless and DD quickly saw through him. He did the big flashy presents while I had to buy smaller things as I kept a roof over our heads.
Now at 15years old she knows who forks out for clothes, food and mortgage etc. And who swoops in with the flash.
Let him buy his present, but you will be there to give her the hugs and tell her you love her and are proud of her which is worth more than anything else.

Some of you are suggesting that I'm coming between add and father. That is not the case at all. When we was together I got him sober, so he could be the best person he could be. Helped him stay out of trouble, i also assisted and helped him get a contact order for his other children.

It's as soon we split he went back to how he used to be if not worse. He didn't keep up with his contact order for previous children, he doesn't bother with them now, or even for Xmas or birthdays. Kinda knew it may go like that for my DD and it has to some extent. It's not my job to support and help him anymore he's got to be able to help himself and sort himself out...I don't see his current partner helping him, she vowed to stay out and away from the situation with all his children they are not her concern or problem, just her 2 children and the one they have together.

This isn't about what you want and you need.

It's about a young girl who has been abandoned by her father. And no matter what he's done or not done, she will still adore him.

Do what she needs..... and what you need to be able to look back on her life and say you did the best you could. It's not easy, but my dad was a complete shit to my mum and my sister and I, but I still love him unconditionally. I wish I didn't at times.

Honeyroar Wed 21-Nov-18 23:17:47
Well you could start the list with...

1. Regular maintenance payments from my dad.
2. Regular and committed contact with my dad.

This ^^ I'm sorry OP this is really shitty for you. What happened - his eyes opened for a second and he got a flash of Christmas guilt? I think I would send him a short list, but not say anything to my DD in case he doesn't actually follow through with a gift. I'd only do this because I wouldn't want the, "I tried to give you presents and things but your mum stopped me" line being trotted out in the future. But I'd feel resentful about it as this is the worst sort of meaningless parachute parenting he's doing.

i agre with u op hes trying to be disney dad look how good i am at presents

tell himt o bugger off

Just say ‘she says she wants surprises this year.’ He’s as capable as any one else of scooping something off the shelf in Tesco! He’s a lazy chancer!

I've slept on it and think you should offer one or two things, or money as an alternative. Things that your DD would like but isn't expecting kind of thing. Say nothing to DD though

If he comes through, lovely
If the leopard doesn't change his spots, she's not lost out or upset

How would you be getting the gift though, would he easier to post cash etc (I know it's not recommended)?

I wouldn't ask for money as you'll never hear the end of it- maybe a gift card?

@fieryginger might be an idea to read the OP again.

Omzlas, he has my bank details so is able to transfer straight to me, gifts in the past he's had someone else drop them off, he's never made the effort to bring them himself.

As for gift card, that could work but I doubt he'll post it, he'll be more inclined so send me the money and I collect the gift card for the shop that's suits DD best.

In all fairness, I don't see him making an effort and he is about to change and be part of her life. It's just purely the fact that's it's Christmas. If it wasn't Christmas, I wouldn't have heard from him nor would DD be getting anything.

I also agree with asking for stuff she needs, stuff the maintenance should be contributing towards, Ive tried that in the past and was told no because that's my job and she should already have everything she needs, even more so because I work so I can afford to. Or I get the usual get your partner to help you buy stuff she needs.

I think I'll give him 3 options, money, gift card (even if I have to get it) or surprise gift.

Hi op,I agree with pp,tell him she'd appreciate some vouchers to purchase something she likes and don't tell her he might be gifting her something.
So difficult to get the balance right!
I hope he follows through this time.
're child support,they would possibly check the voters register to establish his home address?i(f not on there maybe he isn't paying his council tax and she's claiming single person discount?).totally unfair this man,and I use that term lightly,is having children and not supporting them in any shape of form.
Either way,I hope you and your dd have a fabulous Christmas.

oh god op. when I mentioned the contact.i just read ur update.FORGET WHAT I SAID.lol.
my comment for him getting contact if he showed changes must have seemed really ofeensive but that was obviously before I new bout the abuses and violence.
you arne your partner sound like your doing amazing.and im actually really glad your dp has her back and shes a good father figure to show her what can and should be done for a daughter.

madmumoffourBHTJ I only suggested a gift card so he can't accuse you of using the money for yourself, otherwise it's absolutely fine.

Well I've messaged with the 3 options I said, money, gift card or surprise. Still waiting for a reply. So rather than not allow him, I've put the ball back into his court.

I'm holding my breathe for a reply because it's not what he asked for.