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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow him Christmas?

68 replies

madmumoffourBHTJ · 21/11/2018 22:42

Me and the EX split 6 years ago when DD was 2. Contact has never been consistant. He seen DD as when it suited him and would only see her for couple of hours before making an excuse he had other plans. He goes months without seeing her, longest 12 months as I was awarded a restraining order and refused to have contact supervised.

Last he seen DD was may this year, I also get no financial help from him although he is working, living with his current partner her 2 children and they also have a child together.

Last week he has messaged me telling me to send him an Xmas list from DD. So now he's decided he wants to be part of her life again for one day.

I want to tell him no, I don't think he should be able to pick and choose when it suits him anymore, he never has to pick up the pieces with DD. He'll promise to call her and come see her soon and he never follows through.

I feel I shouldn't have to say yes, just because it's Christmas.

AIBU?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 22/11/2018 01:38

I agree with Mrs Reacher here. Your daughter is growing up now, and she knows what is going on around her, re her Dad. so let her make a list of some kind, re a Christmas present from her Dad. Your ex may be iffy and not reliable,but it will make your daughter happy,if she can actually receive a present from her Father.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/11/2018 02:39

I'd send him a few suggestions from her 'secondary list' (ie not the things she really, really wants) and I wouldn't tell her anything.

She may know what he's like and know not to expect anything, but that's no reason to subject her to having her nose rubbed in it by him failing her again.

But if he's saying he wants her for Xmas, NO. And if he can't be trusted not to try to coerce her or guilt her into coming, I'd tell him that he can drop the gift off at a friend's or relative's and you'll pick it up there.

kateandme · 22/11/2018 02:40

tell him a list.wait to see if it comes.
if hes asking to see her,tell him not when there is such a big let down effect it being chrismtas.so if he really wants to get in touch again he can wait til after chrismtas and you can put a proper plan in place.

Coyoacan · 22/11/2018 03:26

If your dd is under no illusions about her dad, then he can't do the same harm as he could to a more naive child. I remember when my dd was eight, her dad who was living in another country, phoned as said he was going to visit us. I told my dd and she went "oh mum, you know he's only saying that". And sure enough.

Still, he was useless but not actually harmful, so I never stood in the way of their relationship.

Tattybear16 · 22/11/2018 03:30

My exh used to do this, didn’t bother for 364 days, then turn up loaded down with Christmas gifts. Never bothered asking me what they would like, just buy expensive tatt. He did it to make me look crap, as we could barely afford Christmas. As my kids got older, he was still pulling the same trick. He didn’t realise that what the kids needed was for them to have time with him, not plastic tatt. Didn’t take long for my eldest to realise that it was crap, and by the time he realised his mistake, it was too late neither DC will have anything to do with him.

Just ignore his request, he’s not worthy of your time, and keep following up with CMS.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/11/2018 03:31

I’d take the gift! Better than nothing. Membership to the zoo or aquarium- something you and your daughter can do together or movie tickets. Clothes would be useful
You should try claiming money from him again. If he needs to support his new 2 kids with his current gf then he can’t quit his job

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 22/11/2018 03:32

YABVU. You shouldn’t be trying to control their relationship; that isn’t up to you and will cause resentment between you and her in later years.

Send him the list.

everydaymum · 22/11/2018 03:45

YABU. It's not about you and how you feel, and yes he may be picking and choosing when to turn up in your DDs life. But, he is the father of your DD whether you like it or not and I'm sure she'd love a present from her Dad for Christmas. It may kill you to see her get excited over it (I'd be the same), but again, it's not about you it's about her.
I wouldn't let him have her over to his place on Christmas Day, but to pop over and give a gift would probably mean a lot to her.

eggncress · 22/11/2018 04:07

You know what your dd likes. You make the list and send it to him but don’t tell dd.
If she gets the present it will be a bonus surprise for her. If not, she’ll be non the wiser[ so she won’t be disappointed. wink]

The4thSandersonSister · 22/11/2018 04:09

I don't know OP. What did the Mother of his other two DC's do when he was playing the same game with her whilst you were together. Give him a few suggestions and forget about it.

Maybe he will buy her something and maybe he won't. If he does just give it to her for Christmas from him very low key and don't make a big deal.

He's a not really in her life so It's not like he will be dropping over with his Santa sack over his shoulder delivering to all the children he's abandoned on the actual day when he will be tucked up with the latest incarnation of family life.

Flowerpot2005 · 22/11/2018 04:37

I totally understand why you feel as you do. Of course you'd be worried about the effect this kind of selfish behaviour could have on your DD.

It's not just a present, it's also the expectation this could give your DD, particularly if it's a nice present. If he doesn't then keep in touch afterwards, it's DD who will be hurt again.

I'd be tempted to wait & see if he follows up his text with another. If he does, ask for something she needs or cash, then it's nothing WOW. If he doesn't, then nothing lost.

Shoxfordian · 22/11/2018 05:06

He shouldn't get to walk in and out of her life as it suits him. Tell him he needs to pay consistent maintenance before he can start playing happy families.

bubbles108 · 22/11/2018 05:49

*I have applied to Csa/cms numerous of times, but he avoids them and his partner lie saying he doesn't live there. Also there have been times where he has quit his job so he doesn't have to pay.

He used to pull the same moves with his other 2 children from a previous relationship before me.*

You've got your answer

Ignore

If he continues to pester to see your DD I'd ignore

Then I'd ignore again

Cherrysherbet · 22/11/2018 06:19

He sounds like an absolute dick.

I would give him a list, and leave it up to him. I think it’s best not to refuse, as ultimately it’s your dds decision if she wants to have contact with him at Christmas time. She’s too young to make that choice, so I would leave well alone until she’s older.
It’s a shit situation for you and your dd. Hope it works out.

Warpdrive · 22/11/2018 06:26

Your dd doesn’t have to know you’ve sent him a list.

Send it and see.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/11/2018 06:42

I just hurled verbal abuse if I ask that he don't sign his name.

Let him sign it how he wants "From your scoring daddy who loves you more than unicorns love rainbows" etc.

Then re-wrap it. "Happy Christmas to a lovely girl, from Santa Claus"

He's a prick and is trying to mess with her head (and yours).

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/11/2018 06:45

But if he's saying he wants her for Xmas, NO. And if he can't be trusted not to try to coerce her or guilt her into coming, I'd tell him that he can drop the gift off at a friend's or relative's and you'll pick it up there.

Also this ^

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/11/2018 06:46

*adoring daddy, not scoring

youarenotkiddingme · 22/11/2018 06:50

I'd just text back something like

"I have DD Xmas list here and as it's only a few things so she'll be getting them from me and Santa here under our tree. You know what things DD likes and I'm sure she'll be happy with whatever gift you decide and whatever plans you make on the run up to Christmas to give it to her".

Very clear!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/11/2018 07:04

Well you could start the list with...

1. Regular maintenance payments from my dad
2. Regular and committed contact with my dad.

The best answer to your question OP.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/11/2018 07:09

Send a few bullets
See
If he does anything
Don’t mention to DD

And yes chase maintenance

What a tosser

TheBigBangRocks · 22/11/2018 07:15

He used to pull the same moves with his other 2 children from a previous relationship before me

Yet you decided he would make a wonderful father again a second time Hmm it was never going to be hard to predict this situation was it.

Put your DD first, send a list of unimportant items and if he comes through it's a bonus and if he doesn't she's nine the wiser. Better than him having eveidence he tried and you decided to ignore.

SlowDown76mph · 22/11/2018 07:49

...or send him a list for all the stuff his that he is failing to contribute towards, winter coat, footwear, etc...

Missingstreetlife · 22/11/2018 08:02

Is he going to send the gift, or use it as a lever to see her. Will he just turn up with it or make an arrangement?
Unless he is violent and abusive I would give him a pointer. Otherwise you need to be clear if you are cutting contact. Don't raise dd expectation in any way, don't tell her when he is coming, just ask him to text you when he is on his way. She knows the score, I don't think occasional contact is necessarily bad unless the child is damaged by it. Not like he has been a significant figure. She may be interested in her siblings later on. Realistically he is not going to be reliable.
Don't make much effort, monitor your dd for signs of upset, just let him be a plonker unless it's doing harm.

Chamomileteaplease · 22/11/2018 08:09

I think you are right to stop chasing for contact. He is obviously a horrible person so why would it do her good to see him?

However, as another poster said, I would text back the "list" - regular payments towards upkeep. I would not be asking for contact.

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