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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't a child behaving badly?

59 replies

ernieelephant · 21/11/2018 12:28

My 5 year old DS is a lovely, polite and kind child. He is in year 1 and is struggling with school. His teacher says that he is bright but he struggles with confidence to complete his work and is constantly seeking reassurance and help. He attends a state primary, in a class of 30, so obviously the teacher cannot give him the time that he is asking for. This has resulted in things escalating to the point where he is becoming upset and not wanting to even try to do his school work anymore.

His teacher has said for the past couple of days that he has been unwilling to try any of the work and if it carries on he will be put onto the behaviour system. My heart breaks for him as there is clearly an underlying problem that the school aren't dealing with. He is struggling and asking for help, but instead of receiving it, it is being branded as bad behaviour. This is now impacting his behaviour at home and causing him to say that he hates going to school Sad

Surely this is a child needing help not a badly behaved child?

OP posts:
ChaosMoon · 21/11/2018 12:33

I really feel for both of you OP. 30 kids in a class of 5 year olds is just too many for a teacher to cater to all of their needs.

No, it doesn't sound like he's being badly behaved. Some kids just need more support at certain times and, if they don't get it, it isn't surprising that they disengage.

I have a friend whose child was suffering like this and they had to move his school. Not ideal, I realise, but he did so much better in a smaller classroom.

BottleOfJameson · 21/11/2018 12:34

YANBU. I'm not sure what the solution is but it does sound like an anxiety issue. Have you spoken to your DS at home? Can he articulate what in particular he is worried about happening? For example what will happen if his work isn't done well? Is he a perfectionist in general?

Original poster
ernieelephant · 21/11/2018 12:39

Bottle He isn't an overall perfectionist but he does like his writing to be just right.

It's just sad because when these types of issues come up at home, I literally give him two minutes of my time to show him how to do something and then he's so happy that five minutes later he's written an entire page Smile I wish they could do this at school but like i say, I know it isn't always possible in a large class.

OP posts:
Blanchedupetitpois · 21/11/2018 12:46

It’s very difficult - I wonder if you could work on his resilience outside of school? So instead of you taking the minutes to show him, try pushing him to work it out for himself for a few minutes first. Or work out if there are any charts / resources / tools he could turn to before asking an adult to show him. You could gradually build up his confidence that way, and he could translate that to school as well.

HettySorrel · 21/11/2018 12:46

I would suggest speaking to the teacher. I deal with older children, but have two systems I use for kids who want constant reassurance:

  1. limit the number of questions per lesson (I tend to have a maximum of three)
  2. after the first question / reassurance they work independently for a set time and then I check on them

Either way they are then expected to at least attempt the work while I am circulating / helping other children. It provides a balance between supporting students, encouraging independence and ensuring that the quiet kids get my attention too.

Some teachers I know use a "4 Bs" system. If they need help they try their brain, book, buddy then finally boss.

BarbarianMum · 21/11/2018 12:49

What does "being put on the behaviour system" actually entail?

What does the teacher do to help him? Is there more you think she should do?

Could you help him at home? Get hold of some of this work and help him to do it at home without constant support and encouragement.

ppeatfruit · 21/11/2018 13:05

FGS he's FIVE years old. What are these schools expecting? A lot of young children are not physically, intellectually or emotionally ready for formal academic work. It's inhuman to force them.

It can put them off school at an important stage.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/11/2018 13:06

Whilst his behaviour isn't 'bad', I think you need to accept it isn't great either. It isn't coming from a bad place, but the reality is he's at school with 30 kids to one teacher, he can't have 121 attention. He just can't. Yes, he's only 5, but it is rude to demand constant attention. And it is irritating for the teacher. She can't show this of course, he's only little, but it is.
I have worked very hard to teach my dds resourcefulness; I don't do things for them that they can do themselves.

Mookatron · 21/11/2018 13:07

Yeah, depends what the behaviour system is. If it's a positive reward-based system (like a star chart or something) it might actually help him.

Is there no TA in the class?

ppeatfruit · 21/11/2018 13:09

There should be informal learning at 5 . Many schools on the continent do not start academic work till after 6. They do not have bad academic records in fact the opposite.

LIZS · 21/11/2018 13:09

Is he asking for help? Maybe if he admitted he was confused rather than refusing to try the teacher would be more encouraging.

ppeatfruit · 21/11/2018 13:19

How often does a 5 yr old speak proper sense especially in a strange place where he feels shy , lacks confidence in his teacher, is worried, even frightened or all those things?.

ppeatfruit · 21/11/2018 13:25

I remember when, as a supply teacher, I took the 'top' group for writing in yr.1 One of the children was crying inconsolably, I was kind she could read and write, she was just emotionally unable to cope with what she saw as contest between her and her friends, she wasn't ready.

OutPinked · 21/11/2018 13:28

YANBU. I think KS1 should be learning through play in all honesty. None of the stuffy sitting down expecting children seven and under to listen for an hour or so at a time and punishing them if not. It’s not the done thing elsewhere in the world, many countries don’t even start school until seven! We still have an archaic Victorian system in many ways here.

Your DS needs support, not punishment. Some schools seem to live by the spare the rod mantra still, clearly...

Tigger001 · 21/11/2018 13:31

That's has just made me so sad. He is not naughty at all or bad behaviour. It is such a shame that this is what our education system is reduced too. He is still sooo young for the school to be making this a behaviour problem, he's a baby.
It must break his little heart. Would they prefer he didn't care at all. I don't know the answer ( except sorting our schools out but that's another thread ) but wanted to send your lovely little boy a big hug x

HellenaHandbasket · 21/11/2018 13:32

So they have any 'ELSA' type people? Emotional literacy support? Cause our local school has had great results bolstering children's confidence and resilience with it

iIcouldsleepforaweek · 21/11/2018 13:39

No advice but this sounds incredibly difficult situation for you and your son, OP Thanks

Aeroflotgirl · 21/11/2018 13:42

Awww poor boy Sad, have you seen the school's SENCO, I would make an appointment and see if they can provide help for him in the class.

Blinkingblimey · 21/11/2018 13:45

Eldest had the same problem. Any chance you might be able to afford a tutor for an extra hour or so after school once a week? We found a lovely, nurturing retired primary school teacher who helped dc1 gain confidence in doing tasks independently & they adored their time with her (& it worked a proper treat!!). I know you shouldn’t have to but I really do think 30 kids in a class is a big ask of a teacher.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/11/2018 13:46

I'm so sorry. This is, of course, a direct result of the underfunding of education: his class teacher hasn't got the time to give him enough attention and the school hasn't got the budget for another couple of TAs. And, at 5, if he does have any kind of SEN, it will take months if not years for it to be properly picked up on - and then years more of fighting to get the extra funding needed for additional support.
It's also a direct result of the idiotic obsession with testing and results that means everyone's desperately checking up on everyone else; all the properly educational stuff like music and art and curiousity are being pushed aside to make way for endless sums and handwriting for toddlers...

Thesearmsofmine · 21/11/2018 13:53

At that age children should be learning through play, it makes me so cross that instead of relaxing the curriculum in those years and making learning fun it has become more pressured.

Thesearmsofmine · 21/11/2018 13:54

By the way there is always the option of home ed if that is something you are able to do.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 21/11/2018 14:01

Is there a TA in the class? Could you ask for him to be seated on the table with the PA, for that little bit of reassurance that he needs?

WhyAmISoCold · 21/11/2018 14:08

I wouldn't be happy with them jumping onto the behaviour policy. So they have time for that but not a few minutes to help a child that needs it? Nah, total crap. I get there are 30 children in a class but if a teacher cant help a consistently struggling child to the point their behaviour is deteriorating, I'd not be too impressed.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2018 14:10

I think you need to go in and talk to the teacher and possibly the head as well. It's not fair to class this as bad behaviour when it's quite obviously more of a psychological/anxiety issue. Poor little lad, he's only 5!