In being so so fucking angry? (Miscarriage.)

[gotmybigbootson]

Just had my 9th miscarriage.

I want to punch someone. I'm so so fucking sick of it. Nobody even cares anymore. DH tries to care but he's over it and numb I think.

My family I don't tell anymore.

My doctors seem to be complacent and 'oh well'.

I know, there's nothing to be done. I'm just sad, furious and done with it. I can't try again.

I want to break something. I want to run away and scream and scream.

Before I've felt mostly sad and heartbroken but now I'm angry. About everything and everyone.

DS is five tomorrow and I have to pull myself together for him. I'm beyond lucky I managed to have him. I'm grateful.

I still want to kick the living shit out of an inanimate object though.

So sorry gotmybigbootson - YANBU at all to feel angry. I had 6 mc after my son was born and was the same age as you (and DS was 5) when I finally carried my 2nd to term this year. I am only just realising the extent of the pain and bitterness I was carrying around with me during that time. Yours must be even more unbearable.

It is so easy for someone to tell you to rejoice in your existing dc when part of the pain is tied up in wanting them to have a sibling, and guilt at missing out on their childhood due to repeated pregnancies and mc, but never knowing whether the next one will be the one that sticks, so you keep trying.

I am sure after 9 mc you have done lots of reading, but I'll tell you what I changed before my successful pregnancy just in case. I read It Starts With The Egg and followed the diet and supplement advice; I lost weight and gave up meat; I had tests at the RMC at St Mary's Paddington and took 2 low dose aspirin from BFP after finding I had sticky blood; I had a endometrial scratch (biopsy) which they usually give to women having IVF as it increases the chances of implantation and my more recent mc were very early.

If the pregnancy hadn't been successful then I would have investigated NK cells. I would also have looked for counselling as I would have had to consider ending our efforts to conceive.

When I had to go to the regular antenatal clinic I found myself looking away from all the other patients as I had got into the habit of blocking out anyone pregnant over the years to protect myself. It really is a constantly debilitating thing to go through as your hopes are constantly raised and dashed and other people are a constant reminder of what you've lost. Yet to others they can't see why you can't move on, enjoy what you've got, be excited for them when they have their second, third or fourth child.

I hope you find peace OP, preferably in a final successful pregnancy. The mc boards on MN were my lifeline so I'd recommend them too.

Sounds like your doctors are being very blasé about your situation.
41 is not too old.

Totally understand your feelings - get a cushion/pillow, scream into it and punch it as hard as you can to vent your feelings. If you need to smash something, take some bottles down to the bottle bank and smash'em in there.

There are things that can be tested for, some of which would have to be done privately, some which could be done on NHS. One of these is to test for thrombophilias - anti-phospholipid antibody syndrome is just one of these, there are others such as Factor V Leiden, Protein S deficiency etc. 1 in 20 people have these thrombophilias - I have Factor V Leiden myself.
I had 3 MCs between DS1 and DS2 - after the second one I was managed with progesterone pessaries and clexane from the day of the positive pregnancy test. These may have helped get the "sticky" that was DS2.

But, as a previous poster has also suggested, I think the vitamin D helped more - low vit D levels are associated with subfertility and miscarriage - I had low vit D levels and took megadose supplements (GP prescribed) after 3rd MC, which brought me back into normal range in time for pg with DS2.

I really feel for you - and unhelpful posters telling you to be grateful for the child you do have are just putting the boot in really - you will get through this and hopefully you will get your "sticky". I was 45 when I had DS2, if that helps - 5 years after DS1 (easy pg).

Good luck

Diddlysquats, I'm sorry you went through that, but your posts are incredibly inappropriate. It's unfair (to say the least) to implicitly even suggest a comparison between OP and your mother (who sounds appalling), and, with respect, this thread is about the OP, not you, and your horrendous experiences don't diminish her pain. As someone who has been in a similar position to the OP's, I can assure you that we are grateful for the child/ren we have, but that recurrent mc is soul-destroying just the same, and a lack of socially permitted outlets for that grief in RL (doctors who don't take it seriously, dismissive people) make it pretty crucial for people to be able to sound off in spaces such as this one.

OP, you don't have to accept the dismissive attitudes you have encountered. Yes, your age does make things harder, but it should not be used as an excuse not to investigate you. 9 mc (esp if consecutive) is extremely unlikely to be bad luck alone. You should be getting blood tests for clotting factors at the very least. A definitive cause was never found for my mc (total of 6), but I do have two separate clotting factors and I did have a successful pregnancy (as well as mcs) on heparin (and previous successful pgs without, hence the uncertainty as to what exactly was wrong).

I am sorry it sounds horrendous, what have you or the doctors already tried ? Low dose aspirin as others have said can be v. effective.

So sorry to read this.. how very unfair. Be kind to yourself xxx

It is not unreasonable to want a sibling for your child and people suggesting you should be happy with one are not being fair. So sorry this has happened to you

OP I am so sorry for your losses and please do not feel you have to justify feeling grateful for the DS you have, it doesn't make your losses any easier and the longing for a sibling is as strong as the longing for a first child. People saying be grateful for your son don't understand that.

Please can I suggest you ask for referral to a specialist clinic that will test for things like natural killer cell activity.

I've had six miscarriages, five since my DS and referred myself via GP to the Epsom NHS Trust recurrent miscarriage clinic which is under Dr Shehata. He specialises in RMC and I'd heard many success stories. For quicker treatment you can go to him privately. There are a couple of other clinics in UK also that test for this (Coventry and London).

I was put on prednisolone, aspirin progesterone and high dose supplements including vitamin d. 8 went on to lose another baby at 7 weeks so they also added hydroxychloroquine.

I am now 12.5 weeks pregnant on the treatment and we are thrilled. It's been a gruelling horrible experience but there is hope and the standard hospital and gp tests won't look at nk cells. I am on groups with so many women like us who were told by GPs and hospitals just to keep trying and that it was bad luck.

Read It Starts With the Egg, it's really helpful and look up a clinic near you who will do nk cell testing. This isn't bad luck and you deserve better treatment.

I was put on progesterone at 4 weeks because I wouldnt have been able to carry otherwise. Has the doctor checked this for you? So sorry, it sounds traumatic .

Elderlylady, in defence of Diddly, this has been posted in AIBU perhaps better for it to be moved to conception board.

Then I read on and saw you have a 5 year old child - rejoice in the one you have! You are blessed.

Not helpful OP can simultaneously rejoice in her child and mourn the losses of her pregnancies. Having a kid already doesn’t make repeated miscarriages any easier.

OP, I’m so sorry. I don’t have any advice, just thinking of you and wishing you well

Running - am with you to a degree, but I don't think posting in AIBU should be the equivalent of painting a target on yourself for others' (however legitimate in themselves) pain or frustrations.

But that's by the by on this thread - OP, you could ask MNHQ to move it to Conception.

You have every right to be angry- insist on seeing another doctor.
I suffered ovarian failure and doctors wrote me off.

I concentrated on egg health read a lot and finally got a go home baby

Links like this
sites.google.com/site/miscarriageresearch/home

Helped vit d yes - dhea etc

But tbh 9 sounds like you should have some serious investigation- go get angry at the doctors

No advice, just wanted to send some love your way. Sounds like you've had some good advice from others who've been through similar.

Happy birthday to your little boy x

Op you have my sympathy, I've only had four but I know how isolating it feels. I've seen nearly every dr in my surgery, they mostly have the same attitude as you are experiencing - it's bad luck, keep trying. I even had one relate it to winning the lottery and I just needed to keep trying!!

Im angry at my body, I'm angry at other pregnant people. I'm angry at the Dr's who don't care. I'm angry at insensitive remarks from friends.

We decided the only option was to go private, we are very fortunate that we are in a position that we are able to do so.

We are seeing a local consultant firstly, the thought was to get the karotyping and possibly a laparoscopy through him and then progress to Proff Quenby or Dr Shehata for NK/immune testing.

After gathering my results from different departments for him to review - he discovered that 90% of the tests (which I had been told were all fine) have been done incorrectly. Not on the correct day of my cycle, blood sample wasn't fresh, I hadn't been told to fast etc etc. So all these have to be repeated!

Please feel free to inbox me if you want to talk further.

You are allowed to be angry, you are allowed to be sad. Don't let others who have no comprehension tell you how you should feel! Take some time for you.

I just wanted to add, have you had your thyroid tested? It doesn't sound as thought your doctors give a shit and probably haven't done this. It can be done as an 'online blood test' and is important in miscarriages.

Have you had your progesterone levels checked at day 21 OP?

I had to take progesterone as soon as I got a line as even though I was getting pregnant my levels weren't high enough to sustain each pregnancy.

Sorry for all your losses.

So sorry OP. Just please know you are allowed to feel whatever you need to

Then I read on and saw you have a 5 year old child - rejoice in the one you have! You are blessed.

seriously? Op has lost 9 babies! Ffs.

Op I'm so sorry this keeps happening to you, how awful. Your doctors should be investigating after 3.

You poor thing, I'm sorry you aren't getting help. The only thing I can think of is maybe if you are testing early and then having a miscarriage when your period would be? I know I had a dismissive doctor once who thought along those lines.

Maybe try a different surgery? Take your history and see if they are more helpful? If you can face it.

@Noeuf even if op is testing early, she's still having the miscarriages.

A friend of mine had miscarriages because of what her doctor described as 'sticky blood', blood flow wasn't getting to the babies properly and so she would miscarry. They put her on asprin and it solved the issue, she went on to have children after that. Have your doctors explored the possibility of this?

@naicepineapple I have not disputed this. I said 'miscarriage when your period is due' I also said I'd experienced similar. So maybe don't jump on people without reading properly.

So sorry to read this and you have every right to be angry

After having dc at 37 I then went on to have three MMC including a late one when I was 40. Gave up at that point.

Was advised by consultant that Asprin would be advisable if I chose to carry on.

Look at dc sometimes and can't believe actually managed one.

Hugs

I'm sorry OP you have every right to be angry both with what's happened, and the doctors indifference. It seems wrong that when horrible things happen more than once, you get less sympathy as you are supposed to be somehow used to it
...when in reality each time is further heartbreak. It would be statistically very very unlikely to have 9 miscarriages in a row due to 'bad luck' alone (less than 1 in 10,000 chance if 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage randomly) so I hope the advice on this thread about further investigation has helped.

@Noeuf I read what you said but not sure how it's helpful. Op has still had 9 miscarriages what does it matter whether it's been when her period was due or not?