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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell my cousin to be cautious with our uncle?

63 replies

giordano · 21/11/2018 00:08

My mum's brother lives hundreds of miles away so I rarely saw him growing up. I remember when I was 16 he came to stay with us for a few days as he had an interview close by.

One evening as I was going to bed he told me I looked like X. I said I didn't know who that was. His response was that loads of men like her. Weird thing to say to your niece imo.

During the night I was awoken to him walking towards me in the middle of my room. Thank god I am a light sleeper. I firmly told him he needed to leave my room as I was sleeping. There was absolutely no reason for him to be upstairs let alone in my bedroom. He jokingly told me to calm down (pretty sure he had been drinking). I never found him to be overtly creepy (narcissistic perhaps) but his actions left a lasting impression.

Well, fast forward 15 years and my cousin (not his daughter) has moved to his hometown and spends a lot of time at his house (his wife is lovely) with her young daughter.

I just feel very conflicted- should I tell my cousin to keep an eye on his interactions with her daughter? Do his actions 15 years ago justify such a response? I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

Hope this makes sense.

OP posts:

Thesmallthings · 21/11/2018 00:20

Honestly I would. You where very lucky that night imo, it could have easily turned into a physical attack.

Though I understand it will be hard for you, but at least you can say you tried to warn her.

Lovingbenidorm · 21/11/2018 00:26

Yes, he made you feel uncomfortable (I can’t do the crossed out business but he’s clearly one to watch)
I would not let this man anywhere NEAR my dc

Jynxed · 21/11/2018 00:52

Oh God yes - please do!!

SuchAToDo · 21/11/2018 00:59

Yes, tell your cousin, you won't forgive yourself if anything happens to her otherwise...

Tell her what you have told us here, and reiterate that you aren't trying to start a family argument or.anything, you just had things happen that seemed off and not right so are warning her ...then all you can do is let her decide what to do for herself..

But if I was your cousin op and you told me that, I would listen to you and i'd not sleep at his house or be alone with him without others in the vicinity,

It sounds like you really had a lucky escape, if you hadn't woken and told him to go he could have done anything to you

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2018 01:06

Fuck YES you should tell her. As soon as humanly possible.

RibbonAurora · 21/11/2018 01:42

Do it. Tell your cousin. I'll always wish I'd known enough to speak up about something I saw as a child that made me uncomfortable. I walked in on my uncle wrestling ( I was too young to know what he was really doing) with a young male cousin, he stopped when he saw me saying they were just messing about. I remember my cousin saying he was hurting him though. Years later he was arrested and charged with sexually abusing his stepson; my cousin was among several others who came forward to testify that he'd molested them as young boys too.

halfwitpicker · 21/11/2018 01:44

Er, yes. Tell her.

SleepWarrior · 21/11/2018 01:45

Yes I would.

Something vague and that isn't explicitly accusatory such as:

"He used to make me feel rather uncomfortable as a child and teen with comments about me being attractive and coming into my room at night. He never did anything to me so I'm not accusing him of anything particular, but he was a person that I felt very uneasy being around at that age. Just letting you know as I wouldn't want you to unwittingly put your daughter in a situation that could end making her feeling equally uncomfortable".

Adversecamber22 · 21/11/2018 02:18

I think you need to tell her in exactly the way you have told us here. Because those facts alone though nothing may have explicitly happened are enough to show to me that he is not trustworthy at all.

everybodypuuuuulllll · 21/11/2018 02:22

Yes, you should tell her.

kateandme · 21/11/2018 02:49

could you say it in a non ecusing but just telling the memory of him
"oh god yes I remember when he stayed with us now! he told me I looked like this woman all the boys like.ooo yes yes and then he scared the life out of me in the middle of the night and he was in the middle of the room coming towards me.weird what we remember from childhood isn't it." with that it would really leave me with something to think about.

Original poster

giordano · 21/11/2018 07:27

Thanks for the input. He never really made me feel uncomfortable (except for that night), have always thought he was a strange little man though. I only realised how inappropriate his actions were when I was recounting it all to a friend the next day. And I did feel it necessary to make my twin brother sleep on the spare top bunk bed whilst my uncle was staying with us.

I will have to follow my gut and tell her. My only fear is that it is a BIG statement to make. It's possible it was all innocent and he had no bad intentions. But it's the juxtaposition of him making the comment (he hadn't seen me for a few years) and that very night coming into my room.

OP posts:

Archduke · 21/11/2018 07:31

Did you ever tell your mum OP? I would tell your cousin for sure. Just give her the facts as you tell them here. However, you say "It's possible it was all innocent and he had no bad intentions." but it's not really innocent is it? Why would a man come into a child's bedroom at night, however you look at it it's inappropriate at best and fucking creepy, weird and potentially dangerous at worst.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 21/11/2018 07:38

Just say a one liner. ‘Was very odd one night he came into my room while I was sleeping and I told him to leave. Was probably drunk’

Labradoodliedoodoo · 21/11/2018 07:39

Keep it factual

Loopytiles · 21/11/2018 07:39

Yes, tell her.

Loopytiles · 21/11/2018 07:41

And don’t undermine the facts and how worried you were at the time by attempts to “soften the message” (eg “was probably drunk” ).

Booboostwo · 21/11/2018 07:51

Yes do tell her but don’t minimise it with a misleading one liner. Tell her the truth, she needs to know in order to protect her daughter.

BeanBagLady · 21/11/2018 07:53

Yes.

Just say ‘keep an eye out, he can have blurred boundaries about privacy when drunk’ and tell her what happened.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 21/11/2018 07:56

Tell her what you said here. Just factual. Why minimise it? Tell the truth that he creeped you out.

Loopytiles · 21/11/2018 07:57

“blurred boundaries”!

The facts are that when staying at OP’s house he made a comment to OP about her looks, which made her feel very uncomfortable, then entered her bedroom late at night. She felt so worried she asked her sibling to sleep in her room with her until their uncle left.

ARoomSomewhere · 21/11/2018 07:59

Yes in your shoes i would.
He was not in your bedroom for any good reason and all your instincts told you he was 'odd' at best.

I think SleepWarriors wording is very good.

Fwiw, I had this with my Uncle (but he carried on...).

Years later i warned my brother as Uncle was 'babysitting' his young daughter. Brother called me all the names under the sun and the babysitting continued. But i knew if anything happened i had tried. It is also important to remember that Uncle is responsible for his actions, not you, but it gave me peace of mind.

BarbarianMum · 21/11/2018 08:00

He bothered you enough that you had your brother sleep in your room when he visited. Enough that you are posting on here.

Tell her.

Somersetlady · 21/11/2018 08:02

Show her this thread.

Original poster

giordano · 21/11/2018 08:14

(Just for the sake of balance) Objectively I do look like the celebrity he mentioned- oddly all his sibling (except my mother) have made the comparison. Still, it was weird and unnecessary to mention how appealing X was to men given my age. He said this in front of a very protective father.

My fear is that I'm not sure how my cousin will react or how far she will take it. Inevitably sharing what happened will be interpreted as being accusatory in nature (right?).

I see the man perhaps once every two years.

OP posts:

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