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Original poster

Should I tell my cousin to be cautious with our uncle?

63 replies

giordano · 21/11/2018 00:08

My mum's brother lives hundreds of miles away so I rarely saw him growing up. I remember when I was 16 he came to stay with us for a few days as he had an interview close by.

One evening as I was going to bed he told me I looked like X. I said I didn't know who that was. His response was that loads of men like her. Weird thing to say to your niece imo.

During the night I was awoken to him walking towards me in the middle of my room. Thank god I am a light sleeper. I firmly told him he needed to leave my room as I was sleeping. There was absolutely no reason for him to be upstairs let alone in my bedroom. He jokingly told me to calm down (pretty sure he had been drinking). I never found him to be overtly creepy (narcissistic perhaps) but his actions left a lasting impression.

Well, fast forward 15 years and my cousin (not his daughter) has moved to his hometown and spends a lot of time at his house (his wife is lovely) with her young daughter.

I just feel very conflicted- should I tell my cousin to keep an eye on his interactions with her daughter? Do his actions 15 years ago justify such a response? I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

Hope this makes sense.

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 21/11/2018 08:15

He never really made me feel uncomfortable (except for that night), have always thought he was a strange little man though.

I think he does make you uncomfortable though. It's unusual for a young woman to insist on her twin brother staying in her room because an uncle is in the house. Your post about him coming into your room made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

Booboostwo · 21/11/2018 08:19

This thread is so depressing. An adult man went into a child’s bedroom at night, on purpose an de tried to dismiss her entirely reasonable reaction. Do not do the same as this creep. This is not a person who doesn’t understand boundaries, or who made a mistake when drunk, this is not about the OP being uncomfortable. It’s about dangerous, inappropriate behaviour for which the uncle is entirely responsible and which he may repeat with another child.

Booboostwo · 21/11/2018 08:21

The fact that you are so worried about accusing him over something HE did shows how warped all this is. You are not exaggerating or adding details or drawing conclusions, his bloody actions speak for themselves.

ARoomSomewhere · 21/11/2018 08:21

giordano

I think it depends how you phrase it:
If you say: he is creepy, weird and might be an abuser then maybe?

but if you state facts:
'he made remarks about my attractiveness to men and came into my room in the middle of the night with no explanation and it made ME feel uncomfortable' then you are not accusing just sharing that info.

this may stir up lots of emotions for you. speak to someone professional about it if it does. best of luck with it.xxx

ScoobyGangMember · 21/11/2018 08:21

I think you're minimizing his deeply inappropriate behaviour. Tell her.

greenlynx · 21/11/2018 08:29

Tell her. SleepWarrior worded it very good.

Original poster
giordano · 21/11/2018 08:31

I'm not trying to minimize it at all. I think because I processed all this information as a very naive 16-year-old (who largely ignored what happened) has made it really difficult to re-examine things objectively. Only as I've got older have I recognised the inappropriateness and danger of it all.

I never told my mother, I only spoke about with a friend.

I will tell my cousin but unfortunately, it will have to be via phone.

OP posts:
DragonFire99 · 21/11/2018 08:34

What possible good reason could he have had for coming into your room? None at all.

I'd tell her.

diddl · 21/11/2018 08:37

"What possible good reason could he have had for coming into your room? None at all."

Exactly.

I wouldn't expect my mum or dad to have come into the room at night when I was that age-unless I shouted out for them or they heard me falling out of bed or stumbling around the room!

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/11/2018 08:41

Very glad you are going to tell your cousin.

Her DD may not be a light sleeper.

HalloweeninCornwall · 21/11/2018 08:50

Please, please tell her giordano. It may cause problems with your cousin temporarily but your conscience will be clear.
It makes me so sad and angry how many children have been abused.
You know you nearly were.
I didn’t have a perfect childhood but honestly, I would have been petrified if some wandering, seldom seen uncle wandered into my room at this age.
I’m pretty sure you know he was testing: to see if you were asleep, to see how how assertive you were some children at 16 don’t have the confidence to stand their ground.

He was also very much testing when he made the attractiveness comment in front of your protective dad. These men have their strategies all mapped out.

They often get a kick out of operating ‘in plain sight’.

Please do all you can to help your little niece.

Don’t mean to guilt trip you, but they totally rely on people not trusting their own judgement.

TooTrueToBeGood · 21/11/2018 08:58

It's possible it was all innocent and he had no bad intentions.

There is really no innocent explanation for him to have been in your bedroom under the circumstances you describe.

Telling your cousin is just giving her the opportunity to be more aware of a possible risk. The downside to telling her if you're wrong is minimal. The downside to not telling her if you're right doesn't bear thinking about.

Wheresthebeach · 21/11/2018 09:00

OMG yes tell her.

No excuse for that behaviour, clearly.

He's a creep of the first order. Stop worrying about being unfair, you're not. You are only telling facts. These things need to be shared to protect others.

ARoomSomewhere · 21/11/2018 09:01

It is difficult OP.

You are worried about 'accusing him' partly re family ructions and partly as it involves really facing up to his behaviour (for which he is responsible then and now)

Have you thought of calling NAPAC or adviceline?

Aeroflotgirl · 21/11/2018 09:05

Yes I would, what he did was very inappropriate, I think he has a thing for young girls.

bellabasset · 21/11/2018 09:16

Yes tell her on the lines SleepWarrior mentioned.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/11/2018 09:32

Definitely talk to her. The fact you made your brother sleep in the same room speaks volumes to me. Thank god you woke up when you did.

I think for some reason you are minimising the intent of this man.

Wineandpyjamas · 21/11/2018 09:41

When things like this come up - I always think to myself, if it was my young daughter would I want to be told?

I really think you owe it to your cousin to mention it. You’d never forgive yourself if something did happen.

OneStepMoreFun · 21/11/2018 09:47

Yes, you should. Tell her he was a bit creepy with you once - walking into your room at night and putting you in situations where you had to send him packing (which a less confident or previously abused girl might not have felt able to do). Tell her you thought she should know.

eggncress · 21/11/2018 09:47

Yes tell her for sure.There is no possible innocent explanation for coming into your room while you’re asleep. If you weren’t such a light sleeper you could have woken up to him molesting you.

Just tell your cousin what you said here. At least you’ve told her then and how she reacts to that is not really your problem. All you’ve done is tell the truth.You won’t be saying he assaulted you because he didn’t ... just creeped you out.

Don’t say it in a way which minimises it though.

Zintox · 21/11/2018 09:53

Tell her. And tell her properly.

I was once warned to “go careful” with a guy I met via a friend. That’s all my friend said to me. It was vague and ambiguous. I assumed she meant he was a bit of a player He raped me. If she’d been clearer and told me to avoid him I wouldn’t have gone out with him.

Member745520 · 21/11/2018 10:27

Tell your cousin the truth OP

When spending the day at my grandmothers, in my early teens, I would often go into the front room to 'play' her piano. Within five minutes my uncle, who was living there at the time, would follow me into the room. Pretending to take an interest in what I was doing, he would stand uncomfortably close behind me and lean over and stroke my budding breasts. I always froze because I just didn't know how to deal with the situation although I knew it felt very wrong.

In the end I told my mother, who told my father (the uncle was his sister's husband) who had a word with him and that particular molestation stopped. But as I got older the suggestions and insinuations continued along with other creepy behaviour, until I was 30 and got married.

My aunt had no idea and just thought he had always been very fond of me!

Sometimes I had stayed with them when I was a very young child and I now wonder what was behind his occasional comments about me coming downstairs at the age of two just in my little vest...

My point in telling you all this, is to say I think your cousin is better off pre-warned, which will enable her to make her own decisions about how best to safeguard her own DD.

Original poster
giordano · 21/11/2018 11:18

Okay, I will just state the facts as I know them. The comments he made (and how it made me feel) followed by the fact I woke to find him walking towards me in my bedroom in the middle of the night. Also, as the spare bedroom and a toilet were downstairs there was absolutely no reason for him to be there. I will mention how it creeped me out to the point I felt unsafe to sleep without my twin brother in the same room until he left 2 days later. My cousin can choose what to do with that information.

I'm really not intentionally trying to minimise anything, what he did was inappropriate. I think I've always considered my self very lucky that I was never hurt as a child - may explain why I've chosen to overlook this incident as it's fairly sinister when you really think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
giordano · 21/11/2018 11:21

Have you thought of calling NAPAC or adviceline?

I'm not even sure what those organisations are but will look into it. Thank you.

It definitely is better to be over cautious when it comes to the safety of a child. Not sure why I was even debating the matter.

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 21/11/2018 11:22

I think it's beat to have the conversation, however awkward it might be. Thanks