Should I tell my cousin to be cautious with our uncle?

[giordano]

My mum's brother lives hundreds of miles away so I rarely saw him growing up. I remember when I was 16 he came to stay with us for a few days as he had an interview close by.

One evening as I was going to bed he told me I looked like X. I said I didn't know who that was. His response was that loads of men like her. Weird thing to say to your niece imo.

During the night I was awoken to him walking towards me in the middle of my room. Thank god I am a light sleeper. I firmly told him he needed to leave my room as I was sleeping. There was absolutely no reason for him to be upstairs let alone in my bedroom. He jokingly told me to calm down (pretty sure he had been drinking). I never found him to be overtly creepy (narcissistic perhaps) but his actions left a lasting impression.

Well, fast forward 15 years and my cousin (not his daughter) has moved to his hometown and spends a lot of time at his house (his wife is lovely) with her young daughter.

I just feel very conflicted- should I tell my cousin to keep an eye on his interactions with her daughter? Do his actions 15 years ago justify such a response? I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

Hope this makes sense.

Telling you you look like the celebrity in front of your father was part of the grooming process, ostensibly he's just giving you a compliment but also slightly hidden behind the complement he has pointed out that he finds you sexually attractive
your father didn't react to this so the message you get subconsciously is that your father approves and this man is safe
Obviously the tactic didn't completely work, you weren't fooled but then he was just a young sexual predator in training practicing his techniques

have you ever thought about confronting him about the incident?

have you ever thought about confronting him about the incident?

Never. We barely interact not sure when I'd even get the chance.

It's possible it was all innocent and he had no bad intentions. But it's the juxtaposition of him making the comment (he hadn't seen me for a few years) and that very night coming into my room.

^

No. I'm sorry, but yes, he had bad intentions.

As children, especially little girls, we are told not to question when we feel uncomfortable, we are taught to please and want to be flattered.

This needs to STOP. This man had no right coming into your bedroom and he fucking knows it.

OP I think your decision and comment in your posts at 1118 and 1121 today are absolutely spot on. I hadn't realised the spare room was downstairs - that shows even more how inappropriate his action was.

Your cousin should take whatever you say with good grace and I'm sure it will all be fine

I sympathise as a good friend of mine was in a similar situation many years ago . She decided not to say anything but after a young relative was targeted, she did recall her own experience.

The guilt of NOT saying anything still eats her up and occasionally years later she still speaks of her regret.

I think the worst that could happen if you do say anything is you maybe accused of being over the top/paranoid etc. Worst that could happen if you do not say something is your silence could facilitate abuse.

I would definitely say something. This is your experience and nothing wrong with recalling it. Abusers rely on silence. Don't be silent.

Just wanted to give OP .

This is a horrible situation to be in. Was women we are often told to minimise our own experiences or question our judgement. Speaking up takes guts so wish you the best.

Speaking from experience, yes, please tell her OP.

I've posted about this here before.

When my cousin was 16 she was sexually assaulted by our grandfather. I was 10 at the time. She told her father who told mine (brothers) I didn't know anything about any of this until a few years ago (in my thirties now)
So basically my parents knew about this when I was 10 and STILL left me alone with him. He didn't ever do anything to me, but obviously there was a massive risk that he could have. My parents pretended that nothing happened and just brushed it under the carpet. I'm NC with them for a variety of reasons, but I still really struggle to understand how they put their own child in such a dangerous situation. At 16 my cousin was able to fight him off. At 10 no way would I have been able to.

So OP, PLEASE do tell. This uncle might NOT do anything to your cousins little daughter (not sure how old she is) but the risk and possibility is always there and you can do something to prevent that. You can prevent this little girl from being in a dangerous situation. Please do.

A family member we saw rarely once made a similar comment comparing me with a celebrity, when was 16 or 17, in my mother’s hearing. Felt v uncomfortable. She immediately told him what he’d said was inappropriate, discussed this with me and my sibling privately afterwards, asked us if he’d done anything else (it was a first) and made sure he didn’t stay at our house or have any unsupervised access. Also told another family member with teen DC.

Yes I've come to the conclusion if my retelling of events makes people uncomfortable then perhaps my uncle (an adult) should have modified his intentional actions.

Sorry OP didn't mean to post and run. Those organisations provide support for people who have been in abusive situations (where ever they are on that 'spectrum' iyswim). Your Uncle tried to put you in an abusive situation by the sounds of it.

You are being very brave in alerting others to this part of your past as it involves facing head on the feelings you had at the time which is not always easy.

for you.

Exactly, OP. He chose to be a creepy perv, you did nothing wrong and would be doing nothing wrong in telling your cousin about him.

You never know, he may have done it to others too.

Stick to the facts. That you found him in your room when he was sleeping that night in a room downstairs and that you had your cousin share your room thereafter. There's no accusations. Just a frightening thing that happened to you once.