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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you remove privileges for school refusal?

55 replies

tomatopineapple · 20/11/2018 18:35

DS is 11 and has been having a hard time since starting secondary school. He hates it and has frequently said he doesn't want to go. I have frequently been late to work due to this. This morning he refused altogether - turned out an older boy has been bullying him. This is the second time since September he has refused school.

DP took the day off with DS, who eventually did go to school when two staff from school came round this afternoon.

DS wants to go on the Xbox tonight which is his favourite thing to do. He does use it as a means of escape.

I think he should be allowed a short time on the Xbox, as he was refusing school due to being bullied not due to just not being bothered to go. DP, who spent the day at home as I said, thinks DS should not be allowed as it sets a precedent that it's ok to miss school when things are tough.

What's others' opinions on this?

OP posts:
Mumtothelittlefella · 20/11/2018 18:36

What has been done to address the bullying?

ThisTooShallPassInTime · 20/11/2018 18:37

YABU he can’t just duck out of thinks when they’re hard. It’s bit a good life lesson to teach him.

No xbox.

ThisTooShallPassInTime · 20/11/2018 18:38

But obviously speak to the school and make them aware of the bullying and get it stopped.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 20/11/2018 18:38

I think you say not for tonight as he needs to catch up on work missed. Another night will be fine.

CloserIAm2Fine · 20/11/2018 18:39

I wouldn’t if the reason is bullying!

If they were just being a brat then fair enough to punish them but punishing someone because they refuse to go to the place where they’re so unhappy because they’re being bullied seems very mean. He’s only 11 and going to high school is a big adjustment, even without being bullied.

hooveringhamabeads · 20/11/2018 18:40

Poor lad. He’s being bullied and is too scared to go to school so he’s going to be punished for it?

He needs support and for you to go and fight his corner for him if it’s got this bad.

My dd had several periods of school refusal (due to ASD), and I never once thought that she should be punished for it.

Stand your ground OP, he’s going to be feeling all chewed up inside as it is without being made to feel worse.

RomanyRoots · 20/11/2018 18:40

Kids don't become school refusers for fun. There are obviously things bothering like the bullying. What happened the first time?
I don't think he deserves punishing, I think he needs your time and support.

Mummyshark2018 · 20/11/2018 18:41

What's the school doing about the bullying? Is you da justified in staying home? How come school staff got him to go but you couldn't- what did they say to help/ make him feel safe?
Personally I would let him have xbox but for a short period of time and only after school time, not during school hours. I wouldn't want to 'punish' him twice (first time being bullied then second time not being able to do a preferred activity).
Hopefully something has been agreed with school so that he can attend tomorrow. Good luck!

Mich0027 · 20/11/2018 18:41

Sorry to hear he's having a hard time I'm going through similar with my new year 7 son. It's so hard. Sounds to me like you want to let him go on his xbox, I don't personally think that's unreasonable- you're understanding why he's been reluctant to go to school & helping him resolve it. It's not just about defiance. Good luck

Singlenotsingle · 20/11/2018 18:42

You need to sort out the bullying, not punish the victim! Make an appointment to see the head teacher, and get investigations started. The bully needs to be stopped. Consider taking DS out of school, get a transfer to another school. At the end of the day you might have to home school. Your dp really isn't taking this seriously.

Chimchar · 20/11/2018 18:42

If he uses it as a form of relaxation and escapism, I think you'd be cruel to take it away from him in the circumstances.

Your relationship will be much better for treating him with sympathy, support and understanding than punishment at this point.

I hope you can get the bullying sorted.

Chickychoccyegg · 20/11/2018 18:43

i wouldnt remove the xbox for that reason, poor kid's having a hard enough time, bullying is awful, hope you get it sorted out quickly so your ds can return to school without being scared

fleshmarketclose · 20/11/2018 18:51

No, he's refusing because of anxiety due to bullying why should he be punished for being a victim? You need to start taking tour frustrations out on the school and ensuring they address the bullying and offering your child sympathy and support.
Dd has refused school for a whole year now because of anxiety due to ASD, it has been the hardest year since she was diagnosed at two, she is now 15. My sole aim has always been to get her through this with our relationship intact. She has lost so much, she needs someone offering unconditional love and support and I am giving her this.
Keep your child close, let him see you are on his side and fighting his corner and be prepared to fight to get things right for him as well.

WomanOfTime · 20/11/2018 18:58

No, I wouldn't. He isn't just taking time off because he can't be bothered to go.

I was a school refuser and when my parents took that approach I stayed at home even if it meant doing housework all day and not anything fun. Losing my escapes/things I enjoyed made me more unhappy but no more willing to go to school, because I was avoiding it out of fear.

CherryPavlova · 20/11/2018 19:02

I wouldn’t be allowing any privileges. I’d be expecting him to do schoolwork.
I’d have told the school he was refusing and asked for support re bullying. How do you know he is actually being bullied? Have you spoken to school and asked them to investigate?
I wouldn’t be allowing a day off though. He would have gone in to school with me and we’d have spoken to his tutor.

Original poster
tomatopineapple · 20/11/2018 19:05

@CherryPavlova how do you physically "not allow" a day off though?! I'm guessing you've not dealt with a secondary age school refuser... you can't wrestle them in.

School have taken a statement from DS and the bully has been made to write an apology and will be spending time in isolation.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/11/2018 19:05

No I wouldn’t.

He is struggling to settle at school and he is being bullied. Being at home needs to be somewhere safe to relax.

What’s happening to get the issues sorted?

Carpetglasssofa · 20/11/2018 19:06

I would be having some detailed conversations with the school about the bullying, how they are addressing it, how they are supporting your ds to come back in.

I'd also take ds to GP and get a referral to CAMHS re: his anxiety, also. With any luck getting the bullying stopped will sort the problem, however, school refusal is a complex and often intractable problem, and can have a massive impact on educational outcomes - it needs sorted at the earliest stage possible.

adaline · 20/11/2018 19:10

Your child is being bullied - why would you punish him for it?

Original poster
tomatopineapple · 20/11/2018 19:11

We are awaiting CAMHS appointment at the moment.

It's been "resolved" at home. I got upset seeing DS distraught and ended up calling DP a prick because he wouldn't budge on the Xbox thing. DP then had a temper outburst, part of which involved him saying to DS that he was "being a little shit". I have told DP to leave. He has gone.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/11/2018 19:13

Good. The last thing he needs is to be bullied at home as well as school

immummynoiam · 20/11/2018 19:16

School refusal is so hard though because although they feel bad, the consequences for the jobs of the parents can be harsh. My dd has made me late for work so many times it is incredibly stressful.

The interim between getting help and a problem appearing is also another hard spot. I do think you can explain to your ds that there are consequences for you and dp when he refuses to go in altogether.

It’s not a state of affairs that can carry on - I’m sorry you are all so stressed, we’ve had years of it and it sucks.

Neither of you is really bu, your dp is annoyed as he’s faced a consequence.

Mich0027 · 20/11/2018 19:17

Aw @tomatopineapple hope you're ok

pointythings · 20/11/2018 19:24

You did right not to punish your DS. You did right to lose the 'D'P, who clearly hasn't a clue. Your DS does need to go to school, but you manage that by making sure he is supported both at school and at home. Make sure you talk to your DS and that he tells you if the bullying starts up again, and stay in touch with his form tutor too. Follow up on the CAMHS. You're doing all the right things here.

I hate the 'life lessons' and 'toughen up' brigade. It's just excusing bad behaviour from others.

mineofuselessinformation · 20/11/2018 19:31

Whilst I wouldn't punish him, I would make sure he is productive during the day and getting up at his usual time.
See if school will send some work if he doesn't go in again, and also set some small tasks for him to do - empty the dishwasher, tidy his room etc. Anything that keeps some form of a routine so that it will be easier for him to get back into school when he returns - but hopefully it won't be a long-term thing.

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