Would you remove privileges for school refusal?

[tomatopineapple]

DS is 11 and has been having a hard time since starting secondary school. He hates it and has frequently said he doesn't want to go. I have frequently been late to work due to this. This morning he refused altogether - turned out an older boy has been bullying him. This is the second time since September he has refused school.

DP took the day off with DS, who eventually did go to school when two staff from school came round this afternoon.

DS wants to go on the Xbox tonight which is his favourite thing to do. He does use it as a means of escape.

I think he should be allowed a short time on the Xbox, as he was refusing school due to being bullied not due to just not being bothered to go. DP, who spent the day at home as I said, thinks DS should not be allowed as it sets a precedent that it's ok to miss school when things are tough.

What's others' opinions on this?

I world focus on making sure there is a clear expectation that he goes back in tomorrowas far as possible. The longer he leaves it the harder it will be.

Just to add, do you have confidence in the school to sort this? If so, show this confidence to your DS. If you are anxious/worried your child will pick up on this. You and the school need to get positive that this has been dealt with and will not repeat. If there is any repeat, have a clear plan with the school what will then happen.

If the bullying is a one-off, hopefully this will be the end of the matter. If it continues is when it can get tough, depending on how the school manage it. Do not underestimate the power of moving school if needs be. A fresh start can be a good thing for some kids.

Whilst your instinct is to make up for the trouble he’s had at school, making home even better is not the way to go if you don’t want this to escalate.

There doesn’t need to be any anger or shouting but calmly saying that he cannot have xbox time on days he’s refused school is fair. Explain you understand why he reacted but that tefusing to go to school is not the solution unless you give him actual permission to stay off.

Trust me when I say that school refusal can very quickly become ingrained in the mind of a young person. Pandering to it is going to make it worse. Addressing the bullying is the way forward and school refusal is not the correct response. He needs to know that.

Christ!
You can't just duck out of things when they're hard!
He's being bullied poor thing! I'd definitely look at addressing the bullying before punishment.

IF he gets punished for being honest for a distressing situation he probably won't be again.

School refusal is a bit like sinking sand, the further in you go the harder it is to get back out. The most important thinks are:

1. Listen to the child
2. Work cooperatively with the school
3. Do everything you can to nip it in the bud and get him back to school quickly.

He’s not going to school because he’s miserable. Taking the x box off him will make him feel worse. This is not rational behaviour that rewards/sanctions will work with. This is emotional behaviour. Let him go on the x box after 4pm. Make sure he can do his hobbies. Make sure he exersises and eats. Above all make sure he gets plenty of sleep and do not allow him to start sleeping in or the whole situation becomes a hundred times harder. A happy healthy child is a resilient child and your chances of getting him back into school are much higher.

Best not to let him on the x box when he should be in school though. Do not punish him but do not let him do fun things insead of school. You will get there.

Yeah he wasn't allowed his phone etc during school hours, except at normal lunchtime. He actually sat and did homework of his own volition and was doing that when school turned up at the door to see him.

He wanted to go on the Xbox at about 6pm. DP was just being a prick tbh. DS has now been on it, de-stressed and has been lovely since DP has gone. He's just carrying such a huge weight on tiny shoulders.

Staff came to your house ? I would hate that !

Punish him for being bullied?

@toomanycuddlytoys I was just grateful tbh. Gave a message to DS that it does matter whether he is at school or not, and ultimately meant that he went to school.

@AiryFairyUnicornRainbow yep that's what I said. DP sees it as punishing him for "choosing" not to go to school and a way to make sure that the school refusal doesn't happen again and that DS will deal with it differently, I.e. by telling us.

I was a school refuser. Don’t punish him. He needs love and support (and ideally a new school!)

That was very good of your DP to take the day off and stay with him. Not surprised he is annoyed now - especially if it has cost him annual leave of favours with work colleagues

Why did staff come to your house?

I was a school refuser. Don’t punish him. He needs love and support (and ideally a new school!)

This. A THOUSAND times this. Your son isn’t behaving like this out of awkwardness, he’s being bullied. Be on his side.

I'd say it's early days to look at a new school. If they can sort the bullying out it will do your ds the world of good to learn that bullying can be sorted and he can overcome his fears.

Poor lad. And you. Hope things settle down for you both.

You and your DP should be on the same page - if one of you has to take a day off, there might be a natural consequence if you've lost money etc. School refusers need to get to school and have the school sort it - avoiding a situation doesn't make it better.

Please don't punish him for being bullied. He must be in turmoil, knowing he should go to school and not wanting to because of what awaits him. As long as he does his schoolwork to catch up, a bit of time zoning out on the Xbox is what he needs.

But you do need to tackle this head on with the school's support or it will get worse.

Have you sorted things out with your DP now? You have to deal with this as a united front.

Why did members of school staff come round? I wouldn't have been happy about that - unless you asked them to call in for a chat about the best way forward.

@Heartofglass21 no, DP left last night and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I'm not interested in putting on a united front where that goes against my parental instinct NOT to punish my child for being fearful.

School came round I don't know why - perhaps it's their policy for a school refusal? I wasn't unhappy about it, I was glad they cared enough to come and ultimately they helped.

Is DP your sons father?

Tbh I think you've done the right thing in this instance. Your son is more likely to speak to you if he thinks you're on his side. I hope the school make sure the bullying doesn't happen again.

@naicepineapple no he's not. He's been living with us for nearly 4 years.

Ah, I wasn't aware DP is not your son's father. That puts a whole different spin on things. Does his dad know what is going on? Is he involved in his life at all?

Dad is involved, DS stays there twice a week. He is pretty useless at any practical or emotional help......