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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact my ExP’s Ex and ask her to stop stalking me?

57 replies

Didsomeonesaybunny · 20/11/2018 16:30

My ExP and I are in touch as we have a baby together.

Today I attended a conference that my ex was also attending. We didn’t attend together but did agree we’d have a bite to eat and a chat. I tweeted I was at the conference (nothing about him!) and then my ExP’s obsessive ex girlfriend (who he left me for and they’ve now split) sent him a nasty message about the two of us. She does this constantly with respect to me. My ex asked me not to post anything anymore as she was constantly using it against me but this seems insane to me? They are not even together and she’s shacked up with someone else so why does she even give it s second thought?

I have blocked her off every social media platform so I’m not sure how she’s getting this information but she messaged my ex literally within 10 minutes of me tweeting so she must be stalking me 24/7.

Ex asked me to send him an email so that it looks like we haven’t been in communication, he wants this to send to her so that she backs off else she will pursue him if she thinks he is back with me (this is her MO sadly) she hasn’t really been bothered that my ex has a new Gf but a sniff of me and she starts becoming crazy.

Ex has also asked me to i-message him instead of WhatsApp as he doesn’t want her seeing he is online. I don’t think I should have to do this, AIBU? Should I just contact her and tell her to get on with her lovely life and concentrate on her own shit rather than mine?

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 20/11/2018 16:32

Why isn't he blocking her instead of putting it on your shoulders?

I'd be assuming that he's telling you both different stories tbh. Sounds like he's trying to make her jealous to try and get her back.

Original poster

Didsomeonesaybunny · 20/11/2018 16:38

Last time he blocked her she came around to his flat demanding to see her (he had his new gf there) so I don’t think he wants a repeat of it. I have suggested that on numerous times.

Oh if he wanted her back he could have her anytime, really, she’s like putty in his hands. I’ve seen some of her messages and I know it’s one way traffic. He’s only in touch with her out of kindness.

I just wish she would move on finally and let it all go.

OP posts:

BobbleHat102 · 20/11/2018 16:39

She is not your problem, he needs to man up and deal with this!

QwertyLou · 21/11/2018 05:25

You sound a bit invested in the drama.

And he seems to be enjoying that. If he really wanted to end the mess, he could block, ignore and wait it out. Call the police if she is abusive on his property and won’t leave.

Instead he.. shows you his text messages with her? Asks you to send an email he can show her?? He sounds 12 - tell him to grow up!

I doubt it is “kindness” keeping him in contact with her, by the way. He doesn’t sound kind In the least.

The good thing is... none of this is your problem. Refuse to engage. Stop thinking about it. Focus on your baby and your own lovely life.

SuchAToDo · 21/11/2018 05:35

Don't send him the email...if he isn't with her then why does he have to explain anything to her and why should you have to restrict what you tweet about?

Are you actually getting to see these messages from his ex or is your ex just "telling" you about them...because he could be playing you both to make you both jealous..

Font and an email (for him to send on to her)...why would.he want to give her an email that would have both yours and his email addresses on it?

Call his bluff (since he seems to be in "contact" with ex)...tell him.ypu have been to the police about the stalking....if he seems panicked or angry then you know he is behind it somehow or that he is still with her

blackcat86 · 21/11/2018 05:41

I doubt he's still in contact with her out of 'kindness' because remaining in contact with someone so obsessive would be very unkind and misleading indeed. He needs to be talking to the police rather than involving you in all of this. Why is it your problem to solve rather than his?

MyOtherProfile · 21/11/2018 05:53

He needs to grow a pair really. It's not your problem and I wouldn't be changing my social media habits because of it. Presumably your posts are for the wider world than just him and you should feel free to carry on.

Unicyclethief · 21/11/2018 05:58

You are loving the drama aren’t you? Weird. Why is it even a thing? He is your ex for a reason, she would not even register in my world.

SuchAToDo · 21/11/2018 06:02

*don't send an email...not... font and an email

Damn autocorrect

Alfie190 · 21/11/2018 06:03

It’s not your problem. Move on.

Antigon · 21/11/2018 06:08

Why doesn't he call the police? She needs to know her behaviour is unacceptable.

Tell ex that her may let her get away with it from kindness but that you will call the police if you hear from her.

She's not stalking you, she's stalking him really. She's obviously set up a fake account on Twitter and is following you, but that's not illegal. If she starts harassing you then that is stalking, so definitely report her.

It's funny she has fixated on you rather than his current girlfriend. Did she know you both when you and ex were together? Did she pursue ex?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 21/11/2018 06:16

I agree that you both seem over-invested in something that really shouldn’t matter. You have a baby with him. He has already moved on to someone else. He can’t even have been with her that long.

I wonder if she has become a unifying factor between you? Is she a safe area for you to discuss - something you agree about, that brings you together? Perhaps he doesn’t bother to knock this on the head properly because the drama provides a way to communicate that means he isn’t the bad guy or the problem, she is. He doesn’t have to address his crappy treatment of you or difficult co-parenting issues if she is the problem. He seems a bit immature.

EricTheGuineaPig · 21/11/2018 06:21

The only email I would send is telling him to keep me out of his drama. You don't need to know that she's harassing him about you - you've done nothing wrong and it's not your issue to deal with. Tell him you don't want to hear one more word about it.

gamerwidow · 21/11/2018 06:25

He is not still in touch with her out of kindness. He enjoys having her there as a standby. If he wanted it dealt with he would block her and wait it out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2018 06:28

Why do you care what she messages him about you? I mean, obviously it's not nice (or legal) to have someone stalking you, but is it hurting you or is it just inconvenient for him?
Because if it's just pissing him off, then I wouldn't do a fucking thing about it, in all honesty!
Let HIM deal with it, as it's HIS problem, not yours.

Unless she's sufficiently psycho to physically affect you or your baby, then it's not really anything to do with you now.

I think you should just let him get on with it - but unless you're desperately bothered by her yourself, or feel she's a danger, don't change what you do just for him.

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/11/2018 06:30

The one involving you in all this, is him.

Why would you contact her? She has contacted you or stalked you. She is stalking him.

I assume he probably did this sort of thing to her. Told her how much you wanted him back. She is probably just looking for proof that he cheated on her with you.

Read the relationship boards, lots of people look for proof of cheating after a relationship ends. They feel they need that closure.

puguin86 · 21/11/2018 06:31

Nah he's loving the drama and feeding you both lies !!

Honestly just tell him you are going to contact the Police re stalking, or stick that in an email

user1493413286 · 21/11/2018 06:37

I’d tell her and him that you’ll report her to the police if she contacts you again then report her if she does.
It sounds a bit odd to be honest; if they aren’t together then why is he bothered about proving anything to her.

IAmNotAWitch · 21/11/2018 06:42

That all certainly sounds like a problem. I am just not sure how it is your problem?

SummerStrong · 21/11/2018 06:49

If he can't block her or cut contact with her then that's not your problem. You just continue to go about your life as normal and ignore the craziness (assuming she doesn't actually contact you?) This really is his problem not yours.

Fuckimdoingaphd · 21/11/2018 07:00

Block her. Don’t get involved in his shit with her.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 21/11/2018 07:01

He can change his WhatsApp privacy to "Last seen online - nobody" to resolve that problem.

And of course he could block her.

He just doesn't want to.

OliviaStabler · 21/11/2018 07:05

He’s only in touch with her out of kindness.

Nope, don't think so. I think he enjoys the attention she gives him. Any decent bloke would completely block her as keeping in touch with her clearly only makes her believe they have a chance at getting back together.

Holidayshopping · 21/11/2018 07:07

I would imagine he still wants to sleep with her otherwise none of this makes any sense. What does he care so much what she thinks?

Don’t send the email-I would say you don’t want her having your email address!

forumdonkey · 21/11/2018 07:10

He's still seeing/sleeping with her in some way or has been and he's keeping her sweet because he doesn't want his new GF to find out.

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