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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ExP’s Ex and ask her to stop stalking me?

57 replies

Didsomeonesaybunny · 20/11/2018 16:30

My ExP and I are in touch as we have a baby together.

Today I attended a conference that my ex was also attending. We didn’t attend together but did agree we’d have a bite to eat and a chat. I tweeted I was at the conference (nothing about him!) and then my ExP’s obsessive ex girlfriend (who he left me for and they’ve now split) sent him a nasty message about the two of us. She does this constantly with respect to me. My ex asked me not to post anything anymore as she was constantly using it against me but this seems insane to me? They are not even together and she’s shacked up with someone else so why does she even give it s second thought?

I have blocked her off every social media platform so I’m not sure how she’s getting this information but she messaged my ex literally within 10 minutes of me tweeting so she must be stalking me 24/7.

Ex asked me to send him an email so that it looks like we haven’t been in communication, he wants this to send to her so that she backs off else she will pursue him if she thinks he is back with me (this is her MO sadly) she hasn’t really been bothered that my ex has a new Gf but a sniff of me and she starts becoming crazy.

Ex has also asked me to i-message him instead of WhatsApp as he doesn’t want her seeing he is online. I don’t think I should have to do this, AIBU? Should I just contact her and tell her to get on with her lovely life and concentrate on her own shit rather than mine?

OP posts:
SaveKevin · 21/11/2018 07:16

He’s letting her dictate his relationship with his child.
Is that worth the kindness to her?
He needs to put his child first, tell her to pack it in or the police will be involved.
Don’t let her spoil a good relationship, your child will link you forever, school plays, parents evening, birthdays, weddings. He’s letting her potentially fuck that all up.

FlibbertyGiblets · 21/11/2018 07:22

He needs to stop telling you. Do contact him and tell him you're not interested in hearing any further about the ex. So what if she contacts him? Nothing to do with you. If he wants no further contact from her then he takes steps - if she escalates then police.

Not your drama, ask yourself WHY he's involving you. he's sleeping with her I'll bet

BottleOfJameson · 21/11/2018 07:26

What a mess. I would definitely not contact her. Anything you say, however reasonable, will just add fuel to the fire. I would continue to block her on social media but otherwise continue your life as you would otherwise. It's not your responsibility to manage your ex partner's ex girlfriend. It doesn't sound like he's necessarily being honest with you about her either (if he's genuinely finished with her he needs to block her and get a non molestation order if she continues to harass him).

I'd stay well back from the whole mess.

Sarahjconnor · 21/11/2018 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secretsquirrel101 · 21/11/2018 07:38

He’s keeping in touch with her out of kindness.... hahaha yea okay then. They’re either still fucking or he’s keeping her warm just in case. Not a situation I’d be messing around in personally, but you seem to be enjoying the drama

cakecakecheese · 21/11/2018 07:39

Absolutely do not contact her, you'll make things worse. If she's not contacting you directly it's really not your problem and it's down to him to deal with. He shouldn't be involving you in this.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 21/11/2018 07:41

You are being manipulated by this man OP.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 21/11/2018 07:41

Oh I'd send him an email. I don't think it would be of any use to him for his ex but I'd definitely be calmly pointing out some home truths.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/11/2018 07:45

He is loving this with his 3rd new girlfriend now involved too. He sounds like a right player. I would ignore his ex, his new girlfriend and him.

Eilaianne · 21/11/2018 07:54

He sounds exhausting.

It's not your problem or drama, stop allowing him to place any of this problem on your shoulders - his reaction (pandering around his ex by not loading what's app, fabricating emails and whatnot) to an ex, and then expecting you to similarly pander is bizarre at best and drama seeking CFery at worst.

Op, just don't let him think this is your problem, it's not. I'd also question his judgement and stick to co parenting discussion only, he sounds like a bad choice of partner but at least you can choose to opt out of that role!

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/11/2018 08:03

Fucks sake OP, if you can't see that he is stringing her along and loving this drama, you are mug.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/11/2018 08:09

Are you sleeping with him on occasion. Stick to D.C. arrangements, do your best to step back from him otherwise.

Returnofthesmileybar · 21/11/2018 08:18

He is not in touch with her out of kindness, he is in touch with her because he is enjoying having his ego stroked. He is also enjoying going through you to put these restrictions on you, that controls you and let's you know he has a stalker which to him is his way of beating his chest that he is so sought after but oh I aren't I kind.

Next time he asks simply say "Listen love you need to cop on and block her, stand up to her or do whatever but you shagged her behind my back so you have a bit of a nerve asking me to do anything to keep her sweet now. It seems to me like you are enjoying having your ego stroked, cop yourself on and sort it out"

TeddybearBaby · 21/11/2018 09:30

He seems to have a lot of women pandering to him. I wonder how he’s managing it 🤔.

He’s only in touch with her out of kindness...... he’s being the opposite as far as I’m concerned. Telling someone you’re not interested and letting them move on is far kinder. Sounds like he’s stringing her along / enjoying it to me.

If I was you I’d get a bit angry at HIM, I’d tell him to take his drama elsewhere, bloody cheek! Good luck!

Omzlas · 21/11/2018 09:50

This is HIS drama and he should be dealing with it, leaving you well out of it

It does sound like he's using you to make her jealous though, that's unfair on both you and her

ghostsandghoulies · 21/11/2018 11:25

Contacting her will inflame things- don't go there.

He isn't being kind at all. His actions are encouraging her crazy behaviour,

bananamonkey · 21/11/2018 11:47

You’ve got a baby together and he’s already on his second girlfriend since you broke up?! Sounds like a lot of immaturity and drama all round, I’d not engage with any of it, shut down any communication about her every time.

badirene · 21/11/2018 12:30

He’s only in touch with her out of kindness.

Eh nope, she is the safety net, always in the background if he fancies a bit and the new GF does not work out.
You are the bait that he dangles out there to keep that jealousy burning and keep her on her toes. You will always be that bait for him, as you share a child you will always be there in his life in some way, you are linked. So if she chases off new GF she will not be able to get shot of you with a child involved. He is playing you all, there is no kindness in his actions. Step back from him, discuss your child only, stay out of the rest of his engineered mess, let someone else provide his ego stroking.

DavetheCat2001 · 21/11/2018 12:39

He sounds like a right catch 🙄

One of those blokes who loves to leave a trail of women in-fighting behind him, wanking his little ego.

Ellisandra · 21/11/2018 12:43

Bless him and his kindness!
I think it’s true. He’s obviously a kind man. What with cheating on you and all.

Wake up OP - it’s him who should take action here, not you.

sophiec123 · 21/11/2018 12:45

This is not your problem or issue. Unless she starts hounding you and turning up places I'd do nothing. It's his place to tell her she's crazy and to block her

sophiec123 · 21/11/2018 12:46

Also I'd go through your friends lists, obviously someone is spying

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/11/2018 12:46

Your Ex needs to be sorting this out. Or does he love the drama/attention?

funinthesun18 · 21/11/2018 12:50

She is not your problem, he needs to man up and deal with this!

They’re both her problem. She’s the one doing the stalking so she’s very much the op’s problem.

TheMagician · 21/11/2018 12:51

All on him. He's giving her the impression that they may be together, and he clearly told her he was at the conference or your tweet not mentioning him wouldn't have threatened her. Sounds like he's not being honest with her.

I bet the previous poster is right and he is LOVING the drama. Even you going to him to tell her to rein herself in would be a kick for him so ignore it ignore it ignore it.

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