DH doesn't agree with me - AIBU??

[diddyducklings]

Long story short - we're moving house with our 3 teenage DC next March. DD1 18, DD2 17, DS 15. We've been in our current house for 6 years and the girls used to share but stopped around 3 years ago because DD2 got diagnosed with GAD when she was 13 and was terrified of going outside and socialising, and her sister grew really messy and the mess made DD2 very unsettled and upset and they never got along so we separated them and we've been sleeping downstairs since.

Since the separation we've decorated DSs bedroom, DD1s bedroom and the kitchen but we've never got round to doing DD2s. But 2 years ago DH made her pack her things and store them away in the cupboard so he could decorate. But he never did, he always procrastinated. DD2s bedroom has been just wooden floors (the literal wood underneath, not floorboards) and bare walls since.

The disagreement is that DH thinks DD1 should be able to pick her bedroom first in the new house as she's the oldest, but I disagree. I think DD2 should. My points are -

one) Because of her mental health, she spends most of her time in her bedroom. She rarely ever goes outside her fear is that strong. I believe she should pick first because it's the space she'll spend most of her time in.

two) She's never had a proper bedroom of her own. DD1 and DS had their decorated and still trashed them. Dishes stacked up, clothes, rubbish. DD1 kept hers spotless and so tidy.

three) DD2 seemed to skip the moody teenage phase while the other two are still stuck in them. A year ago DD1 was so bad we had to call the police a few times. DD2s so respectful and I think she deserves to be able to pick her bedroom.

I'm sorry if it all seems so childish. DH disagrees with all my points merely because DD1 is the oldest. What do you think? If you were in this situation, which child would you let pick first?

(We're sleeping downstairs in the new house because it has a separate dining area that would make a bedroom)

Definitely DD2 - she has more than earned the right to pick first!

Also, DD1 might be the oldest, but DH is setting her up to be a right pain in the arse by giving her the "oldest" trump card. She'll end up going through life feeling entitled rather than earning her way, IYSWIM

You see to the children first, going by who needs it the most. Not the Adult who you've had to phone the Police on.

Your DD2 has the greatest need, then your other child, then your Adult DD who is sharing the house.

Definitely DD2 - it’s quite unfair she had her room in a half decorated state all this time!

I agree with you, especially because she had the worst room in the last house and she spends so much time there

I think DD2 gets to pick due to her MH issues. And as you've said, she spends most of her time in her room.

DD1 and DS can fight it out between them for the other rooms.

Maybe explain (an adapted version of) everything you have above to dd1 and ask her what she thinks the right thing to do is

She might just agree with you and then she can own that choice, if she doesn’t the thanks her for her thoughts, gather those of the other two children and tell them you will consider everyone’s view and then as the parents make the decision

Also I say that as someone whose DD and GC have lived with them and still my 21 year old DD.

You move on to a Adult respectful relationship. Being the eldest means she accepts that her younger Sibling's needs are greater and gets over that.

Definitely DD2! I hate that "the oldest" thing - like it's some sort of achievement to be rewarded... no - it's pure luck you were born first - nothing more. Your DD2 has, by the sound of it, earned the right to choose first.

Your DH is being unfair and short sighted.
Your dd2 has lived in an Undecorated room for ages while her siblings get lovely paint etc? No that’s not fair and dd2 must feel really at the bottom of the pile .
I really hope your dh realises how unfair he is being and how much he is spoiling dd1 just because she’s older even though she can’t even keep her room tidy

DD1 going to university soon?
DD2 ever likely to go to university, or unlikely due to GAD?

There's a possibility that DD2 will be in her bedroom more over the next few years - so deserves pick of the bedrooms. Or, at least, the chance to move room once DD1 goes off to university ...

Surely dd1 is going to be less likely to need and use her room soon anyway - will be foyingbthe nest/going to university perhaps? As a youngest child I don’t think eldest = largest room automatically. When I was young we would size up as older siblings went to university and that’s prob what we will do with our dc. Dd will be off in 2 years and youngest will be 11. He will move into her room and we’ll do his up for her but she will be in the smallest room (can prob squeeze a double in).

I do feel so sorry for DD2. I work a quite a lot of hours a week so I never even managed to paint the walls for her. 95% of her things have been packed away for over 2 years while her siblings got to just put their things away in their decorated bedrooms just to be trashed weekly. They've had a chance to make their bedrooms a nice cosy place but they haven't but DD2 hasn't had that chance.

I do know the bedrooms aren't huge so I don't want DD2 to be stuck with a small crummy bedroom while our oldest has the biggest just because of age. I feel DD2 deserves more.

DD2. For all the reasons stated above.

I’d also probably give DD1 the downstairs room as at 18 she’s likely to be leaving soon. That way you get a spare bedroom/den downstairs that she uses when she visits.

I don’t think it’s fair for any of them to get to choose. It shouldn’t be about who has what illness, or about how they choose to keep their space. You and your husband leaving your DD’s bedroom bare for months on end is unforgivable, but it’s not a reason to then let one sibling have the upper hand over the others.

Assign each room a number and pick from a hat each. It’s the only fair way. That’s fair to everyone then.

Surely the bigger issue here is that at a young age one of your children has what sounds like a life limiting mental illness that doesn’t sound like is getting any better? I’d put your energy into ensuring she gets the help she needs ASAP instead of faffing around with rooms. Giving DD with the GAD first pick of rooms cos ‘she won’t leave the house much anyway’ is entirely the wrong message to send, you’re showing very little hope for her future and cementing her further into the sick role when you should be modelling the attitude that she can get help and get better like many people do with anxiety and be back to living a normal life like her siblings. Giving her the room she wants cos of her anxiety is promoting major secondary gains and disincentivises her to try and push herself to get better (which the majority of people can and do). Don’t write her off at such a young age in an attempt to be supportive and understanding. It’s the worst thing you can do in the long run even if it feels good to you now.

Based on neither of them having any plans to move out in the next couple of years, I’d say definitely DD2 deserves first pick (and first dibs on having her room decorated if necessary).

If either of your daughters are thinking about going to uni, then that daughter shouldn’t get first pick because presumably they won’t be there for as long. If both planning on going to uni and moving out, I’d give first pick to your son.

Being the eldest is a terrible reason to pick first. She shouldn’t get prioritised just because she happens to be the first born. Sounds like your DD2 has more than earned the right to pick first!

as at 18 she’s likely to be leaving soon

Why do so many posters think that most teens leave home when they turn 18?

I don’t think it’s very common?

Your Dh is taking the easy option whilst really you should think of needs first.

As DD2 has shown respect and maturity, and is tidy I'd give her the first choice.

Surely DD1 will be moving out relatively soon, so it would make sense for DD2 to pick the room she wants. You would assume she will be with you longer.

And yes, it would be a nice gesture seeing as your DH has favoured the other 2 wrt decorating, etc. I think he's been unkind to DD2 actually and is continuing to show favouritism to DD1.

DD2s bedroom should never have been left that long, working is no excuse as the other two had their rooms done.

I don't think any of them should pick, the adults should based on actual need.

However who has which bedroom is trivial, surely the behaviour leading to the police and the GAD should be priority over room choice.

Mine will leave and go to university. Obviously home for holiday and then possibly afterwards. More likely than not actually. But we wouldn’t keep their bedrooms empty for much of the year if they are the largest room for example - makes sense for the child living at home to have them. Same happened when I was younger - you went to university and when you came home entirely likely that your older sibling who was back from uni would have moved into your room! Because they were having use of it 7 days a week rather than holidays only.

Age is one of the stupidest ways to allocate anything to anyone. You may as well go alphabetically.

You go by need.

Yes, sometimes age will have an impact on need, but in this case I would suggest not. Mental health trumps "Eldest gets first dibs" FGS.

Your reasons are far more reasonable - and there’s only a year between them anyway, so the ‘oldest’ card seems even more ridiculous than usual.

surely the behaviour leading to the police and the GAD should be priority over room choice.

I doubt OP is just ignoring these things 🙄 people do manage to think about more than one thing at once you know.