DH doesn't agree with me - AIBU??

[diddyducklings]

Long story short - we're moving house with our 3 teenage DC next March. DD1 18, DD2 17, DS 15. We've been in our current house for 6 years and the girls used to share but stopped around 3 years ago because DD2 got diagnosed with GAD when she was 13 and was terrified of going outside and socialising, and her sister grew really messy and the mess made DD2 very unsettled and upset and they never got along so we separated them and we've been sleeping downstairs since.

Since the separation we've decorated DSs bedroom, DD1s bedroom and the kitchen but we've never got round to doing DD2s. But 2 years ago DH made her pack her things and store them away in the cupboard so he could decorate. But he never did, he always procrastinated. DD2s bedroom has been just wooden floors (the literal wood underneath, not floorboards) and bare walls since.

The disagreement is that DH thinks DD1 should be able to pick her bedroom first in the new house as she's the oldest, but I disagree. I think DD2 should. My points are -

one) Because of her mental health, she spends most of her time in her bedroom. She rarely ever goes outside her fear is that strong. I believe she should pick first because it's the space she'll spend most of her time in.

two) She's never had a proper bedroom of her own. DD1 and DS had their decorated and still trashed them. Dishes stacked up, clothes, rubbish. DD1 kept hers spotless and so tidy.

three) DD2 seemed to skip the moody teenage phase while the other two are still stuck in them. A year ago DD1 was so bad we had to call the police a few times. DD2s so respectful and I think she deserves to be able to pick her bedroom.

I'm sorry if it all seems so childish. DH disagrees with all my points merely because DD1 is the oldest. What do you think? If you were in this situation, which child would you let pick first?

(We're sleeping downstairs in the new house because it has a separate dining area that would make a bedroom)

DD2 gets first pick. And fgs employ a decorator to come and do a quick paint job for you before you unpack if between you it’s so difficult to get it done.

Op hasn’t come back. This has to be a joke.

Can you perhaps appeal to DD1's better nature and get her to offer first pick to DD2?

(I think YANBU and DH needs to cop on to himself.)

There's no excuse to leave DD2s undrcorated for that long. Especially as it's her safe space, you should be ashamed of yourself. What an awful 2 years she will have had,seeing her siblings with newly decorated rooms.

Painting a room really doesn’t take long. I’ve just done our living room - I’ve used about an hour a day as I’m extremely busy and very unwell and it’s taken me a week to do it. You don’t need to spend ages prepping etc just to get some paint on the walls and cheap carpet or vinyl can be picked up from eBay. Your dd could have even helped if she felt able to.

She definitely deserves first pick.

But 2 years ago DH made her pack her things and store them away in the cupboard so he could decorate. But he never did, he always procrastinated. DD2s bedroom has been just wooden floors (the literal wood underneath, not floorboards) and bare walls since.

Has DD2 never complained or asked in this time? Has she never wanted to do it herself or does the GAD make that hard?

TBH I would stick the eldest downstairs! Odds are they'll be coming and going a lot more than anyone else and late at night, so makes the most sense.

DD2 because she was next in line for a room makeover and it sounds like she thoroughly deserves it.

I'd either DD is likely to go to university in the next couple of years they should get the last choice. Alternatively if you are planning on charging any of them rent they should get the first choice.

Def DD2, DD1 has had her turn!

It's about need not age...

Is DH the eldest of his siblings?

Firstly, it is your house, so you and DH should be getting first pick and have one of the upstairs rooms.

If you want the children to pick first then it goes DD2 then DS. You get an upstairs room and DD1 gets the downstairs room.

If she wants to go out, she is less disturbing coming back in the early hours if she is downstairs. She is also likely to be the first to move out and you can then change the room back into a dining room rather than having to move yourselves.

So for 2 years your child had no floor covering at all in her room? Why would you even take it up if you didn't have anything to replace it with? Thats really unfair, and cruel. You can't entirely blame your husband either, i waited 2 weeks for my husband to paint the baby's room in the end i did it myself at 38 weeks pregnant. You just do these things for your kids.

Dd2 should definitely get to have her room decorated first, i think you as adults should allocate rooms rather than let any child feel like they are less important by not allowing them first pick.

19lottie82 - because over 30% of 18 year olds (particularly in the skewed MN middle class demographic) now go to university and for a large proportion that involves moving away. It doesn't mean they'll move out forever and never come back - but it does suggest that keeping the biggest room empty for a good proportion of the year is a bit silly. Even if they don't move out at 18, there's a good chance that the eldest child will move out first, particularly if the next eldest has the anxiety issues OP states.

OP I agree that dd2 should get first pick and that's coming from an oldest child who usually had the best room (and felt it was the only perk!). Otherwise I suppose picking out of a hat would be technically fairest but she should at least get her room decorated first and some nice new furniture.

I'm sorry to jump in on the pile on but I also agree that making her keep her stuff packed away for TWO YEARS is horrible particularly if she spent so much time in her room. Although I'm surprised she did it and didn't get it all out again after a month if DH didn't get on with it!

DD2 without question.

2 years with most of her stuff packed away. Sorry OP, but that's a shitty thing to do!

What support are you giving her? How do you think she feels about and why the hell can't your husband understand the damage he's doing?

Is there some history of dislike between your DD and your H which you are afraid to stand up to him over?

As others have mentioned his treatment of her (and your condoning it by being too busy to sort it out) is cold and callous.

I agree with your reasons, and as the second child I totally do not see that the first automatically gets it.

However how much does your dd1 feel that dd2 gets your attention? Does she feel she's the good girl who gets on and is ignored because her issues aren't as big? Is perhaps that she's acted out as a reaction to how dd2 has taken your attention and sympathy?

This may not be the case, but if it is the case then I think you do need to tread carefully. Teens can be quick to pick up a grudge on perceived unfairness, and hold on to it for a long time.

Does you DH have an issue with DD2? I'm wondering why she has been shat upon from a great height on the bedroom front for the past 2 years. Is he struggling to understand her anxiety diagnosis? Is DD1 a 'favourite?'

Whilst I totally agree that DD2 'deserves' first pick, I think you have to be careful not be seen to be overcompensating for you DH by giving her supposed special treatment.

I'm wondering whether your DH is subconsciously trying to force DD2 out of hiding in her room by making it as uncomfortable as possible. Does he think making it nice will mean she'll just stay in there more and more?

Wow dd2 and you guys should ashamed of yourselves that you have left that poor girl in a shit room with only 5% of her stuff for 2 years. She must feel like Cinderella. This can't have helped her mental health one bit. Let her pick her stuff, let her pick her room and tell your dh to cop the hell on
My thoughts exactly.