DH doesn't agree with me - AIBU??

[diddyducklings]

Long story short - we're moving house with our 3 teenage DC next March. DD1 18, DD2 17, DS 15. We've been in our current house for 6 years and the girls used to share but stopped around 3 years ago because DD2 got diagnosed with GAD when she was 13 and was terrified of going outside and socialising, and her sister grew really messy and the mess made DD2 very unsettled and upset and they never got along so we separated them and we've been sleeping downstairs since.

Since the separation we've decorated DSs bedroom, DD1s bedroom and the kitchen but we've never got round to doing DD2s. But 2 years ago DH made her pack her things and store them away in the cupboard so he could decorate. But he never did, he always procrastinated. DD2s bedroom has been just wooden floors (the literal wood underneath, not floorboards) and bare walls since.

The disagreement is that DH thinks DD1 should be able to pick her bedroom first in the new house as she's the oldest, but I disagree. I think DD2 should. My points are -

one) Because of her mental health, she spends most of her time in her bedroom. She rarely ever goes outside her fear is that strong. I believe she should pick first because it's the space she'll spend most of her time in.

two) She's never had a proper bedroom of her own. DD1 and DS had their decorated and still trashed them. Dishes stacked up, clothes, rubbish. DD1 kept hers spotless and so tidy.

three) DD2 seemed to skip the moody teenage phase while the other two are still stuck in them. A year ago DD1 was so bad we had to call the police a few times. DD2s so respectful and I think she deserves to be able to pick her bedroom.

I'm sorry if it all seems so childish. DH disagrees with all my points merely because DD1 is the oldest. What do you think? If you were in this situation, which child would you let pick first?

(We're sleeping downstairs in the new house because it has a separate dining area that would make a bedroom)

Why has no one “got around” to doing DD2’s bedroom in two years? I think you’ve both let her down and she deserves a lovely bedroom ASAP. So I agree with you but I don’t get why you didn’t advocate for her sooner.

Oldest is likely to be living at home for the least time so surely they have the smallest room?

How different are the rooms in the new house? E.g. two large, one tiny or all dairly similar?

*fairly similar

The oldest getting first pick is only fair if there’s an age gap & they’ve had to take on some responsibility or inconvenience for their younger sibling/s etc. Either all children are treated the same or there should be some perks to balance out any unfairness.

The only problem I can see though is if you’re expecting your oldest DD to pay rent?

I totally agree with you and all your reasons. I don't think the eldest should automatically have the best or biggest bedroom, all the factors should be taken into account.

In the end they will each have a perfectly suitable bedroom so there's not much for dd1 to complain about. Anyway, it's your house and your choice.

We have just moved house from 3 bedrooms (2 big and 1 small) where my DS1 had the small room, to a house with 4 large bedrooms. DS1 chose not because he was the oldest but because he'd had the pokiest worst bedroom in the previous house.

Definitely dd2!

Am I the only one noticing that the OP said that not only was her room not decorated but also 95% of DD2's belongings have been packed away for 2 years! That's fucking criminal, especially as she spends so much time in her room. You absolutely need to give her the best room...and bloody apologise for being so inconsiderate.

Poor Dd2! Why on earth was her room left like that with all her things packed away foe 2 years.

You say that your dh was meant to do it but surely you could have done it when it became clear he wouldn't do it. But it almost seems like your dh has something against her - doing the bedrooms for the others and not hee, then arguing against her getting the her choice of room.

I agree that the eldest shouldnt necessarily get the best room. Especially when there is such a small gap - she doesn't have a greater need for it.

I feel very sorry for DD2, so I think she should get first pick of the rooms.

Hmm, anyone else think that eldest daughter and first son will have their rooms done in the new house and middle child will be left wanting again?

Not surprised Dd2 has GAD if you as parents have ignored her needs.
Not painting her room?? You’ve had 2 years, no excuse.
And now her brilliant dad wants to ignore her needs again in place of spoiled brat DD1?!

I’m projecting.

Does your dh have something against dd2? It seems quite odd to pack her stuff away, then procrastinate for 2 years and avoid sorting out her room, then favour dd1 for a really arbitrary reason

Dd2 should definitely get first pick (and an apology for not letting her have her room done up nicely in the past).

DD1 is 18. I wouldn't be letting an 18 year old pick first. If anything, I'd probably let DS pick first as the youngest.

However, your DH sounds unkind to DD2. Why did he make her pack her stuff up and then not get round to anything for TWO YEARS? That's awful.

I’m kind of with 7yo7yo in that I’m quite shocked as parents you’ve let your poor dd’s needs fall by the wayside over the last two years. I know the post is about which bedroom she should have but it sounds like there’s more to it. I feel sad for her that two adults couldn’t pull their finger out and spend a few weekends painting walls. It’s not exactly difficult

DD2 picks the room she wants, assign the other 2 rooms.

Wow dd2 and you guys should ashamed of yourselves that you have left that poor girl in a shit room with only 5% of her stuff for 2 years. She must feel like Cinderella. This can't have helped her mental health one bit. Let her pick her stuff, let her pick her room and tell your dh to cop the hell on

Why is your DH so mean and why have you let it go on?

Eldest first is a stupid rule. Mind you, so is 'making your child live in an undecorated room with bare boards for two years'. I know this is supposed to be a supportive site etc but ffs, you've been neglecting your DD2's needs for two years!

Personally I’d allocate the rooms, the ‘best’ one going to the child who has greater need.

I’m afraid that I think leaving your child’s room in the state you describe is awful. Could you not have taken leave to at least paint the walls? You could’ve done it in a day.

Poor girl. She has certainly earned the right to pick first. She should get the master.

I'm another one who thinks dd2 should get her bedroom sorted first, the other two children have had theirs done once each so it's her turn.

Does your dh have favourites? It seems he's done his oldest daughter and son's bedrooms and the youngest daughter has been left out, only for him to want to put dd1 first again, maybe some subconscious favouritism showing through there. (I may be reading too much into it, particularly as I don't know him, but I would be watching out for this if I were you. Also, dd2 might start thinking this way if she notices.)

But 2 years ago DH made her pack her things and store them away in the cupboard so he could decorate. But he never did, he always procrastinated. DD2s bedroom has been just wooden floors (the literal wood underneath, not floorboards) and bare walls since.

I think that is just awful-how does your DH justify doing that to her?

I don't recall being given a choice of bedrooms when I was a teenager. Just allocate them suitable rooms and be done with it. They can choose a room when they are living in their own places.

However, I wouldn't be decorating anyone's room until they can demonstrate that they respect their rooms. On that basis, your DD2 would get first decorating pick.