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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to kick his arse about my dead cat

97 replies

ShouldITellHimToDoOne · 19/11/2018 15:20

I shouldn't even be thinking about this today because I'm upset enough as it is. I have a partner. We don't live together. It's a weekend thing really with a view to it becoming more serious as time goes on.

I text him last night to say that my beloved cat had had a stroke (she had a series of problems) and that it wasn't looking good. I'd been to the emergency vet and brought her home with me after some treatment. I was devestated.

She died in the night. I am beyond sad. He knows what I'm like with that cat and how she meant the world to me.

I texted him this morning with the news after taking her little body to the vets for cremation so I can bring her ashes home to me.

I've had nothing back from him.

He doesn't have a job. He's at home all day sleeping and playing video games.

He wrote off his car last week (no injuries - but is looking for a new one - so I suppose he could be busy with that).

I'm actually past the point of caring, I think. AIBU to tell him to sling his fucking hook? Or would that be an overreaction?

I feel let down by him a lot. He never answers messages or the phone. He won't get a job. He talks about us buying a house together and all the rest of it, but is it too much to ask for a little message to say he's sorry about my cat? To look at his phone more often? To check in on me? He knows I've chucked a wobbler about this so many times in the past... so what's going on?

What would you do?

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 19/11/2018 15:46

I'm sorry about your cat, losing a pet is heartbreaking, hope you and the kid are ok.

Your bloke sounds like FwB material, not long term partner material, he can't be that kind if he can't even be bothered to send a quick text at the absolute, very least.

POPholditdown · 19/11/2018 15:47

Sorry about your cat OP

Has he just been asleep all day and that’s why he’s not replied?

As an aside, can I ask, if he talks about buying a house with you, how does he plan to do so without a job?

Original poster
ShouldITellHimToDoOne · 19/11/2018 15:47

I get how he might now like cats as much as me because I have ten of them. Nine now. I take in the waifs and strays and have a big house.

We're like a sanctuary for cats. I have a big house because I live in rural France. I'm into rescue and I get that that's not everyone's thing. I also think maybe he thinks I wouldn't be that upset because I have nine more, but I AM that upset.

She was a little gem of a girl who was very fragile and had about ten operations I put everything I had into getting her well again. So, she's not just another cat.

Perhaps I should just accept my fate as mad cat woman. I think part of me thinks I can't do better BECAUSE I am an overweight, single mother living with ten cats. But, I want to live with them. They're part of who I am.

OP posts:
POPholditdown · 19/11/2018 15:49

9 or 10 cats are way better for you than a shit boyfriend OP

NoCanoe · 19/11/2018 15:50

P.S..

Not that it helps you, but I'm upset at H leaving me behind for 4 weeks for a holiday we both should be going on. I'm staying behind because cat is sick and needs a weekly injections and monitoring.
Am I impressed he still going ? Nope.

bluebuttonface · 19/11/2018 15:51

How is he going to buy a house with you if he doesn't work? He sounds like a cocklodger-in-waiting.
So sorry for your loss, and for the fact he's being such a dick. Better to know now, I guess - hope you have some wonderful cuddles with your DC this evening. Flowers

MrsStrowman · 19/11/2018 15:53

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. My parents had to have the family dog put to sleep unexpectedly last week, we've had that dog since I was 20 and still living at home, as soon as I text DH to tell him the prognosis he called me within five minutes. He also came home from work earlier than usual to make sure I was ok and to see if I wanted him to take me to the vets to see him (dog had his injection the next day).
This isn't about your cat, it's about him not prioritising you out recognising your feelings. I know it sounds harsh but it genuinely would be a deal breaker for me. I was in bits last week and DH was there for me the whole time. He doesn't seem to support you in other ways either. Sorry OP.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/11/2018 15:53

I am sorry about your cat, but honestly I think kicking off because he didnt reply to your text straight away is very OTT.

I sometimes dont check my phone all day, I am either busy or just dont think about it, not everyone is joined at the hip to their phone! He replied with a nice message, within a reasonable time frame. I really dont see the problem.

I agree with PPs that he doesnt strike me as a decent long term prospect due to his attitude to work and being unreliable generally. But honestly, I think you are massively over reacting here.

Blanchedupetitpois · 19/11/2018 15:55

So sorry about your cat Flowers

Ditch this loser. There’s no future with someone so lazy and thoughtless.

I hope you’re ok, losing a pet is so awful and sad.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2018 15:56

So sorry to read about your cat.

Dump this waste of space of a man today and in turn teach your child better lessons on and about relationships. You have let yourself be used here because of your own poor boundaries in relationships. Being kind to you and your child, a stranger in the street could do that. Its no reason to remain with him. Give your head a wobble.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher, this man has well and truly taken advantage of your good nature. He only cares about his own self.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 19/11/2018 16:00

Firstly don't expect people to feel the same way about your cat as you do. I'd understand if it was a person but a cat? Nope.

Secondly I'd be more worried that he appears to have no goals or ambition in life. To just sit at home and play games all day is not a good sign in anyone above the age of 17.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 19/11/2018 16:00

Is he officially diagnosed?

GraceMarks · 19/11/2018 16:01

OP, your life sounds idyllic to me - a big house in rural France and lots of cats! I'm sure your lifestyle has its issues just like anyone else's, but to feel like you have to stay with a man who isn't a good long-term prospect because you "won't do any better" is mad.

At the very least, I would recommend that you don't move in with this guy, as I'm not sure how he would be planning to contribute to your household finances. If you want to keep him as a partner, can it not be on a more casual basis?

spiderplantsalad · 19/11/2018 16:02

I'm sorry about your little cat, she was obviously so loved. It's so hard when they go.

I'd get rid of the man though.

Seeingadistance · 19/11/2018 16:04

I’m so sorry about your cat. Flowers

To be honest, when I read that you are overweight, single with a large, cat-filled house in France, my first thought was that you are living the dream! What a great life - good food and good company!

The only downside is the man.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 19/11/2018 16:07

Sorry about your cat.

However, to an old gimmer like me, it's very unnerving that simply not looking at your phone regularly can have you branded as some sort of wrong'un. Modern etiquette is hard to keep pace with.

Trinity66 · 19/11/2018 16:11

Has he just been asleep all day and that’s why he’s not replied?

Was just going to say, if he does genuinely sleep all day, then maybe he only just woke up and saw your message? Anyway, yeah i wouldn't stay with someone who sleeps and plays video games all day either way

Sorry about your cat OP :(

Trinity66 · 19/11/2018 16:12

it's very unnerving that simply not looking at your phone regularly can have you branded as some sort of wrong'un.

Yeah that's very true actually

twoshedsjackson · 19/11/2018 16:14

I loved the saying on another thread, "Cats before twats"....... seriously, I'd be concerned at the late expression of sympathy, "Oh no, I've ticked her off now, better make a bit of an effort for a while" - eight hours later!
Even if I weren't a cat-lover myself, I'd feel sympathy for any friend of mine who had lost a pet; animals have a way of expressing affection (and are sure judges of character!) sometimes even greater than ours, simply because no language gets in the way.
If you're not ready to cut all ties, how about suggesting a short break while he actually builds at least one of his castles in the air?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2018 16:17

So what if you’re overweight, a single mum / mad cat lady. You still deserve to be with someone, you’re happy with. Not replying sounds like a red herring if he sleeps all day.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/11/2018 16:20

"Cats before twats"

Love it. I'm stealing that.

@ShouldITellHimToDoOne very sorry to hear you lost your kitty. I really don't know what to say other than he doesn't exactly sound like the most interesting partner in the world... sleeps all day and plays chess?

Yeah, agree with others, you're better off with the cats.

Missingstreetlife · 19/11/2018 16:20

Mental health issues can make people a bit Self centred, worse if they come off meds. His message is kind. He won't change, so you have to decide if this is enough for you. What does he live on, how will he manage long term? You might find he is even disfunctional than you think. Tragic waste of potential.

JellyBears · 19/11/2018 16:24

He sounds a rite waster love!! Get rid!

JellyBears · 19/11/2018 16:24

Sorry about your cat that’s sad :( xxx

InfiniteVariety · 19/11/2018 16:26

He talks about us buying a house together

Bearing in mind he has no job (and therefore presumably no regular income) and you already own a big house, isn't it more likely he will end up moving into your house? Is this what you want?