Another Christmas one - sorry. In short, is it unreasonable for my mother not to be invited to spend Christmas with my family and MIL this year, and am I responsible for her feelings/should I feel guilty about this?
DH and I have been married six years. We have two very young DC and live in the U.K. DH is from another European country. His mother and sibling live there. MIL is on her own because FIL died recently.
I am an only child of divorced parents. My DM is in her mid seventies, still drives, in good health, etc., etc. DM has a sibling.
The backstory is that I find my DM very critical and not hugely supportive. She seems increasingly self centred.
DH, DS1 and DS2 and I have spent the last two Christmases in the UK with my DM (the first year at her house with ILs; the second at our house because I was heavily pregnant - ILs not present and fine with that).
We have arranged to stay with MIL this Christmas. It was booked in the summer when we found out DH’s DF was very ill. His DF has now died.
We told my DM that we had arranged to spend Christmas away this year. It got a lukewarm reception: no ‘how lovely, have a good time’ reply, but she seemed to take it on board although I sensed her wondering what she was going to do.
Two weeks later, after my FIL died, she emailed suggesting that MIL, sibIL and my family all come to her (again) for Christmas instead. This was on the basis she thought MIL may not want Christmas in her own country this year. DH and I discussed and decided not to tell DMIL about the invitation because she had just lost FIL and we didn’t want her to feel pressure to come because my DM would otherwise be alone, given she wanted to stay in her home country. We reminded DM we had booked to go, had spent the last two years in the U.K. and said we wouldn’t be here this year.
Not wanting DM to be alone for Christmas, I told DM’s sibling we would be away this year. Sibling has now - as is usual - invited DM for Christmas. DH reported this to DMIL.
I spoke to DM last week who said she has been invited to her sibling’s for Christmas and wasn’t it kind of them because otherwise she didn’t know what she would have done.
AIBU to feel slightly irritated about her invitation to MIL, etc., when she knew what had been arranged and the subsequent ‘don’t know what I would have done’ comment, which I think was intended to make me feel guilty? I am not in a position to ask her to MIL’s for Christmas. Earlier in the year I know that MIL had planned to ask her but then FIL died and she didn’t want to host anyone other than immediate family. Surely that is okay? I didn’t appreciate my DM’s implication that I was responsible. FWIW, DH agrees with the conclusions I drew about DM’s attitude. In addition, do I need to feel responsible every year for her happiness? She can’t always expect to be involved, can she, given DH and his family aren’t from the U.K?
Interested to hear views. Thanks.