To expect her to accept Christmas with others?

[user1471592953]

Another Christmas one - sorry. In short, is it unreasonable for my mother not to be invited to spend Christmas with my family and MIL this year, and am I responsible for her feelings/should I feel guilty about this?

DH and I have been married six years. We have two very young DC and live in the U.K. DH is from another European country. His mother and sibling live there. MIL is on her own because FIL died recently.

I am an only child of divorced parents. My DM is in her mid seventies, still drives, in good health, etc., etc. DM has a sibling.

The backstory is that I find my DM very critical and not hugely supportive. She seems increasingly self centred.

DH, DS1 and DS2 and I have spent the last two Christmases in the UK with my DM (the first year at her house with ILs; the second at our house because I was heavily pregnant - ILs not present and fine with that).

We have arranged to stay with MIL this Christmas. It was booked in the summer when we found out DH’s DF was very ill. His DF has now died.

We told my DM that we had arranged to spend Christmas away this year. It got a lukewarm reception: no ‘how lovely, have a good time’ reply, but she seemed to take it on board although I sensed her wondering what she was going to do.

Two weeks later, after my FIL died, she emailed suggesting that MIL, sibIL and my family all come to her (again) for Christmas instead. This was on the basis she thought MIL may not want Christmas in her own country this year. DH and I discussed and decided not to tell DMIL about the invitation because she had just lost FIL and we didn’t want her to feel pressure to come because my DM would otherwise be alone, given she wanted to stay in her home country. We reminded DM we had booked to go, had spent the last two years in the U.K. and said we wouldn’t be here this year.

Not wanting DM to be alone for Christmas, I told DM’s sibling we would be away this year. Sibling has now - as is usual - invited DM for Christmas. DH reported this to DMIL.

I spoke to DM last week who said she has been invited to her sibling’s for Christmas and wasn’t it kind of them because otherwise she didn’t know what she would have done.

AIBU to feel slightly irritated about her invitation to MIL, etc., when she knew what had been arranged and the subsequent ‘don’t know what I would have done’ comment, which I think was intended to make me feel guilty? I am not in a position to ask her to MIL’s for Christmas. Earlier in the year I know that MIL had planned to ask her but then FIL died and she didn’t want to host anyone other than immediate family. Surely that is okay? I didn’t appreciate my DM’s implication that I was responsible. FWIW, DH agrees with the conclusions I drew about DM’s attitude. In addition, do I need to feel responsible every year for her happiness? She can’t always expect to be involved, can she, given DH and his family aren’t from the U.K?

Interested to hear views. Thanks.

Just had similar with my DM. She is same age and on her own and even recognises herself we get on better with a healthy distance. DB and I decided it was his turn to have her for Christmas. Just had her on to me "worrying" that he is putting his holiday plans aside to make sure she is not on her own. Cloth ears are the appropriate management tool.

@howabout is her implication that you the daughter/woman who should be accommodating her instead?

In fairness, she was only told a month ago that we had booked to go away so she hasn’t known since the summer. Still long enough to be invited elsewhere though!

Yep. Even though I don't do Christmas the way she likes it and she would get cross with me all day because of that. She never did Christmas at home our entire childhood so has grand expectations but absolutely no clue as to how much effort is required to deliver them.

I don't think she's made you feel guilty. You just feel guilty.

@pigsDOfly you live 5 minutes away from your family, and they are not going to invite you over even for a cup of tea, even though you have bought your DGC Christmas presents?? I think I might be overly hormonal (as I don't have a mum living anymore, but I loved her very much) but your post has actually made me cry. I'm so sorry. I don't know your situation, and maybe your DD has her reasons, but just on the strength of what you've written, I think that is horrifically cruel.

She probably invited your MIL and sibIL hoping to receive an invitation there herself if it was declined, and is hurt it wasn't but knows it would be unreasonable to say so. I think you do need to let her know you didn't pass on the invitation. But you probably made the right decision.

My mum tried to guilt trip me into having a family Christmas at my sisters house. Sister was charging everyone £30 each & expecting "guests" to provide their own drinks. I refused, saying there would be other years. She tried everything. I still remember the "God forbid should anything happen to one of us". She was 64 so it seemed unlikely & I held firm. 6 months later DM was dead from an aggressive form of cancer. Your DM is 75 OP. I'm not saying to cave in this year, but just something to think about. 9 years on & I am still upset & remember what was said!

Hmm seems to me like others have said. That she understood and accepted you are going away and has expressed gratitude at her sister inviting her. Because she’s right to have thought what will I do at Xmas.

DonkeyHotel I'm so sorry to have upset you. It's a bit of an odd situation I suppose and there's no back story.

Because of cultural reasons Christmas wasn't something we did when my DCs were growing up but for my DD's DH it's a huge thing so they make a big deal of it and they have DCs of their own so it's lovely for them.

The rest of my DCs - who don't have DCs of their own - and I tend to give it a passing nod nowadays as in we sometimes have a Christmas meal and we all always buy present for the DGC; sounds a bit strange but we do a bit of Christmas to sort of keep in with the general Christmas spirit of the rest of the country.

So it's not as bad as it's sounds for me really, but I suppose I would like to see my DGC open their presents from me and perhaps, as I say go round and have a mince pie and a cup of tea.

I'm popping over to see my other DCs, quite a bit further away, on Christmas day, weather permitting so won't be on my own.

I tend to have a very laid back attitude to these kind of things and feel my DC should get on with their lives in the way they want.

I do feel that the OP is being unfair to her DM and I suppose I was trying to point out that people can be thoughtless and selfish when they do things that suit them but they don't think of how their actions impact on others. And that can be hurtful for the part of the family that gets ignored or left out over Christmas.

If Christmas is an important time for the OP's DM I imagine she must feel very hurt.

Op I think on page one you said the following:

Thanks, Lydia. I just wish she could say (even once) that what I’m doing sounds nice and she hopes we have a good time. It would really help me not to feel bad any time we don’t (can’t) involve her.

In your Op you asked 'am I responsible for her feelings/should I feel guilty about this?'

You are not responsible for her feelings and your dm is not responsible for your feelings.

Take ownership of your feelings of guilt.

On the other hand family is important. Don't let the small irritations of any character imperfections your mum has drive a wedge between you. Think about what MovingNextYearHopefully has said on her pp.

You don't have to feel guilty but you could choose to empathize and be kind. As we get older I think there can be an undercurrent of fear that time is running out and anxiety of losing time spent with those we love, especially our children.

You don't need to feel guilty or change your plans but you could give your old mum a hug, tell her you love her and maybe buy her a nice little thoughtful gift/souvenir while overseas. It's good to remind each other that we love each other because it doesn't always come across and can lost in the daily grind.

pigsDOfly I really do hope you have a nice Christmas. I know it's none of my business, and also that I don't know anything about anything (in so many ways!). I just think it sucks sometimes that people who have parents don't appreciate them and value them, whereas I'd give my right arm for a mum and a dad . You have no idea how much.

pigsDofly - but by that logic, the OP's DH hasn't been 'home' to have Christmas with his mum for years (the last time he spent christmas with her, she came to the UK and went to his Mums).

He's just lost his dad too.

This will be the MILs first year without her DH.

Unless a couple is going to spend Christmas apart, when both sets of parents live in different countries (or even just different towns in the UK), then someone is going to not see their parents on Christmas day.

I think you feel guilty and are blaming her. It doesn't sound like she's trying to make you feel guilty.
Sounds more like you are looking for a problem where none exists.

Donkey I really hate it when people say "I'd give my right arm for a mum, you don't appreciate yours", sorry. It shows a total lack of empathy for those of us who have parents we can't be close to and don't love us, which is like a bereavement in itself. I respect your grief as a person who doesn't have parents, why can't you respect mine as a person with a mother I can't have a relationship with?

By all means "give your right arm" for my mother. She'll probably bite the other one off as well and then complain you never give her anything.

I can feel the undertone OP. Made even worse because it is quite PA, if you tried to tackle it head on it would be all "oh no, but I never said that", poor little misunderstood me.

It's tough, but just stand your ground firmly but kindly going forward.

Greensleeves - but even in families where they love and care for their parents, if you don't live close to both sets of parents, part of being in a couple does mean you do sometimes have to put your DP's family first, and take it in turns.

Most people do accept that when their DCs grow up and marry someone, their PIL are also their DCs family, and sometimes their adult child will have to prioritise their DP's family.

You have to ignore the poor me bit, as she has got other options for Christmas. But you are on a set up wanting her to be pleased for you. She isn’t, she’s disappoint but handling it quite well.

Make your decisions, stay solid on them and don’t expect her to assuage your guilt. The guilt( which isn’t valid, you’ve done nothing wrong) is yours, and you need to deal with it.
Could you plan to generally see both sets of family at Christmas? Maybe alternating venues? Ime old people need to feel assured of such things to stop them going down a rabbit hole of anxiety, and also to stop them asking you in JULY what your plans are for Christmas.

By all means "give your right arm" for my mother. She'll probably bite the other one off as well and then complain you never give her anything.

😂

Greensleeves I feel exactly the same way when people say what Donkey posted. It's almost like people forget children who suffered abuse from abusive parents grow up. Or assume that when they do grow up they are advertising to everyone they meet: I can't have a relationship with my parents because they tried to kill me or they burn me with cigarettes or the beat the crap out of me or some other horrible thing.

Donkey I empathize that you'd give your right arm to have your mum and dad but try to understand that some of the people who seem to not appreciate their parents would give their right arm to have parents who love them or for their own parents to not be a threat to their safety. Try not to assume.

I'd have tried to accommodate both like she was trying too. Christmas is a time for family and showing your children it's ok to leave parents out of Christmas plans means they will likely do the same in future.

She's done nothing wrong, it was lovely of her to try and take the strain off your MIL.

Nope nothing to see here as far as I can see. Your mother has not done anything wrong.

Yep, that's totally fair enough greensleaves and ocean. What you're describing sounds really awful. Not having parents either through bereavement, or because those parents are so terrible to their kids that they don't deserve to have them sucks either way. I hope to God I make my kids happy and continue to do so; equally I hope that I'm around for them as long as possible.

And (in case it wasn't clear) I really am sorry that I didn't see through my own situation to yours. Looking back on your words now, i can only imagine that it must have been really painful for you to read what I wrote

DonkeyHotei at least you've read back and seen things from the other point of view.lots of people just bite back and don't see how they could have come across.i think that was really nice of you.

Greensleeves excellently put.thankyou.i have been trying to come up with how to put that the whole way through the thread.
the yearning for a mum to make you feel safe and loved and not like you want to disappear is a grief and loss in itself when you cant have that.