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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Estranged mother in law wwyd

68 replies

Bluewidow · 18/11/2018 20:18

Long story husband passed away 5 months ago. Mother in law was awful in the past few weeks before his passing- horrid text messages etc. since funeral she has not been in contact with me or my children. Not even a text to ask if they are ok, or a letter through the post. Except for today when she texts me asking what they want for Xmas. So I ask you what would your response would be. For me it's not being a grandparent just to send presents, she hasn't been here for these kids and to just get in contact now because it's
Christmas doesn't sit right with me. Could I just tell her to stick her presents back up her chimney?

OP posts:

Singlebutmarried · 18/11/2018 20:19

How old are the kids and can they make the decision as to whether they want contact?

Original poster

Bluewidow · 18/11/2018 20:21

They are 7 and 9 so no they don't know what's gone on and her behaviour is such that they won't be left alone with her again.

OP posts:

ReflectionsofParadise · 18/11/2018 20:24

Was she close to her Son OP? What was their relationship? What was your relationship with her prior to his death? What was your relationship like with your husband?

You lost your Husband. But she lost her Son. Both totally devastating in different ways.

Can you open the tap please to avoid a drip feed?

Singlenotsingle · 18/11/2018 20:26

Is there something wrong with her? People can be knocked off balance by the death of someone close. Was she like this before your DH died?

Original poster

Bluewidow · 18/11/2018 20:28

She was not always there. My husband always wanted her to be there more. She's forgotten my daughters birthday on two occasions for example. Yes she has lost a son but there's two children who have lost a daddy and have no support from that side of the family. Not even a text to ask how they are. Even today her text didn't ask how they were, it's just like she wants to tick a box.

OP posts:

SynchroSwimmer · 18/11/2018 20:33

I am thinking you will both be numb with shock, not thinking clearly or rationally as it is very early days (have been through similar). You probably can’t imagine what each other is thinking.

You will get loads of approapriate support from widows and other parents in the online group called WAY (widowed and young) if under age 50, and another group WAYUP for those aged over 50....

Bluetrews25 · 18/11/2018 20:39

I'd be tempted to ignore the message.
Hope you are all getting by, OP.
Best wishes to you and the DCs.

TheBigFatMermaid · 18/11/2018 20:48

I would send 'Presence means more than presents' but if you don't want to do that, ignore!

eddielizzard · 18/11/2018 20:52

A grandchild isn't just for Christmas...

is the first thought that popped into my head. But that wouldn't be helpful.

I wouldn't rush into replying. Think it over for a few days. The kids might like to hear from Dad's mum. Are they aware of what she was like? Did they have a good relationship in the past?

Sorry for your loss. This must be so hard

Scatteredthoughtss · 18/11/2018 20:54

That must be so, so hard. I'm so sorry. I'm tempted to say that as she is of an older generation then she should know to call. Just ignore the text and see if she is prepared to make more of an effort, even if it is just a phone call.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 18/11/2018 21:01

Be kind. She too is grieving. Have you sent her a text to ask how she is?

Mrskeats · 18/11/2018 21:03

Why was she sending mean messages? How awful. Condolences to you op.

Wolfiefan · 18/11/2018 21:07

I’m so sorry for your loss and the mean messages.
Maybe reply that Christmas is going to be a difficult one so you want to keep it quiet and not make a big fuss?
TBH all my other thoughts are rude, confrontational and would end contact forever.
Focus on you and your kids and what you need.

beanaseireann · 18/11/2018 21:12

Firstly my sympathy to you on your loss.
I love the 'Presence means more than presents'. as TheBigFatMermaid says.
Yes she is grieving but she could make an effort for the children. Did she like you before your dh died?

HolyMountain · 18/11/2018 21:21

I can’t imagine losing any of my children regardless of their age, it would be heartbreaking for her.

Don’t dismiss her loss by saying two young grandchildren are missing support from that side of the family.

What’s the back story?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/11/2018 21:26

Children (whatever their age) are not supposed to die before their parents. Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent has to cope with, harder than losing a partner or parent. So maybe cut her sone slack?

Olderbyaminute · 18/11/2018 21:45

OP my sympathies to you for losing your husband and your children their father. Idk the correct answer regarding your MIL and the childrwns’ gifts. I don’t think some PP realize not every family is Norman Rockwell stereotypical. Whatever you feel is best do it. I hope your family and friends are supporting you. My late BIL passed away with two young children not that much older than yours years ago. My SIL has a lot of issues with her family-I never really knew exactly what happened but we tried to be present for all three of them.

BertrandRussell · 18/11/2018 21:53

I think everyone needs to cut everyone else some slack. Maybe all she can do is send presents? Just tell her what they want. Anything else will take emotional energy you do not have to spare. Plenty of time to reassess the relationship- for better or worse- in the future.

jacks11 · 18/11/2018 22:18

Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent has to cope with, harder than losing a partner or parent. So maybe cut her sone slack?

But OP said she was awful towards OP and her DH BEFORE his death, not afterwards. So whilst I agree that losing a child at whatever age is terrible and that she is highly likely to be grieving his loss, this doesn't sound like a straightforward grief reaction to me. This sounds like part of a long-standing pattern of unpleasant behaviour.

And in any case, having completely ignored her two young grandchildren who have just lost their father is a horrible (and pretty inexcusable IMHO) thing to do, even if you have lost your son (their father). I could buy into it all being grief-related if she had been in touch but not especially supportive/visiting regularly and so on. But OP says MIL has not been in touch for 5 Months- not a call or a letter. In 5 months! I think that enough slack, TBH.

Given that, I don't think that OP's MIL deserves to be the centre of OP's considerations right now. It certainly doesn't seem that OP and her DC (and MIL's GC) have been high in MIL's priorities.

jacks11 · 18/11/2018 22:22

Also, I don't think you can say that losing an adult child is worse than losing a parent, or even a partner. Different things impact on people to differing extents, depending on personality, relationships and family dynamics, available support, situation surrounding bereavement and so on.

I have met people for whom loss of a parent at an early age has had real and long-lasting impact on them, leading to real difficulties. And others who have come through it remarkably well.

Feefeetrixabelle · 18/11/2018 22:23

Could you go for something neutral. Like a book voucher. That way the children get to pick something they like, they still get a gift from their grandma and you don’t have to have much of a conversation with her. It also means by keeping her at a distance but still keeping a line of communication open she can’t claim to them when they are older that you cut their fathers family off after his passing.

Grief turns even the most reasonable person unreasonable so I think the best thing to do is not take her behaviour personally and not let your children miss out on at least something.

kenandbarbie · 18/11/2018 22:28

It sounds like she's grieving too. I'd just tell her something they'd like and reassess when everything's less raw for everyone. Your children may want and benefit from a relationship with that side of the family in future, even if it's not as supportive as it could be.

MamaLovesMango · 18/11/2018 22:29

Well, she’s a grieving mother and grief does weird things to people. It literally send some people mad.

But I’d be sorely tempted to tell her to fuck off.

Floralnomad · 18/11/2018 22:32

I would ignore and change my number .

theonetowalkinthesun · 18/11/2018 22:39

She's grieving too, her first thought isn't going to be 'who can I offer my support to?'. Give her a chance.
If she turns out to be what you think she is, then by all means leave her to it. But give her a chance first

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