Estranged mother in law wwyd

[Bluewidow]

Long story husband passed away 5 months ago. Mother in law was awful in the past few weeks before his passing- horrid text messages etc. since funeral she has not been in contact with me or my children. Not even a text to ask if they are ok, or a letter through the post. Except for today when she texts me asking what they want for Xmas. So I ask you what would your response would be. For me it's not being a grandparent just to send presents, she hasn't been here for these kids and to just get in contact now because it's
Christmas doesn't sit right with me. Could I just tell her to stick her presents back up her chimney?

I wish people would stop saying it's the greatest loss to lose a child how insulting. So losing an adult child that you didn't bother that much with and made the last few months of his death tougher is a greater loss than the man's loving wife who has to manage her grief and that of two devastated children?

Op I would text back "There is plenty they would like but I would rather no presents if you are going to drop them and run. If you would like to pop by for cake and chat, deliver their presents and ask how they are then thats fine. But what they need most is stability and love, not just presents at Christmas. If that's all you can offer in your grief, I will understand and politely refuse the gifts but otherwise you are welcome of course". I think that's polite and sets your stall out.

I don't care how much you are grieving, no text in five months is utterly shocking

Please don't ut her out.
Reach out one last time, do it for your own piece of mind. Then you will know 100% that she can't be bothered.
Send her the message below.
So pleased to hear from you, is there a. Y way we can all meet up and have lunch?
Maybe you would like to come to a toy shop so you can help your grandchildren in the choice of a gift...

If she says no you know you tried...

Personally, I would accept the message at face value on this occasion. It sounds like she turned on you at a terrible time, but you must all have been worried sick, including her. You've all been through so much.

I would give her this opportunity to make it up to you all. But this would be a last chance. I think the lunch suggestion is a good one.

Sorry for your loss, OP. I can't believe that anyone would read your post about her threatening to get your car smashed up would respond favourably towards her! My MIL is an emotionally distant woman, and if I lost my DH I think she would be no comfort to me (she certainly didn't seem remotely concerned when he had severe depression years ago) - but she certainly wouldn't threaten me! I think I would be telling her that they have all they need for Christmas but how about a voucher - that way if necessary she can post them.

I said to meet outside of your home for the reason of the nasty text.
By lunch out you have the support of strangers and can walk away...
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
But never do something if it frightens the safety of your children, only you know best.

It doesn't sound to me as if your son would benefit from a relationship with this woman anyway. I'm really sorry you're all going through this.
I wouldn't answer the text, I would cut my losses and get a new number personally. Look out for your kids, and stop worrying about why she won't commit to a relationship with them. Xx

Don’t dismiss her loss by saying two young grandchildren are missing support from that side of the family.

Exactly, don't turn it into a grief competition, you're all grieving the loss of a son, father, husband. Maybe invite her round at Christmas, it'll be a difficult time for you all. You're implying that your children's loss exceeds hers and it doesn't, imagine if it had been your son. How often have you been in contact to ask how she's coping?

I would honestly just ask for vouchers. Something completely impersonal.

I’m so sorry your children are struggling and it sounds like keeping her at arms length is best for you all.

I’d cut some slack - my sister was a nightmare around the time of stepfather’s death and behaved horribly towards all the family, even the grandchildren- but especially me. Almost a year later she’s hugely ashamed and tries hard to make amends.
Shock and grief bring out the worst in some. I’d respond about the presents but encourage on presence as well as presents - avoiding too accusatory a tone. So sorry for your loss xx

However FWIW. Your grief and the grief of your DC is not caused or made any worse by her actions.

This is untrue. did you not read what the OP wrote? The MIL was abusive and threatening to the OP and then ignored her grandchildren completely. Of course this made their grief worse.

OP I would either ignore or text back something simple like "they like lego but anything would be fine" and leave it at that.

lots of people saying grief isn't a competition and then giving the mother top trumps in the grief "non-competition". OP is not just dealing with her own grief but managing that of 2 young children - she certainly has a bigger load on her hands that her mil, whether or not people think the grief of a widow is "beaten" by the grief of a mother.

Honestly I would just not reply.

She hasn't been bothered with them in a time where those children needed the most support out of anyone.

She can't just be the picture perfect gran when it suits her.

Sorry for your loss, and that your MIL is a dick. I’d say amazon or John Lewis vouchers and if/when they arrive, send a thank you text.

Or ignore her altogether if it gives you and the kids more peace. She threatened you at an already terrible time. If you want to fuck her off that’s ok.

Grey rock no drama approach as she seems like she needs handling with care.
Use the Bertrandrussell message.

Also, keep her texts. If she has been threatening you, you might need to show them to police.

What do you want? What kind of relationship if any do you think might be possible in the future? I would either suggest to her that she tries to see the grandchildren sometime or, if you really don't think an ongoing relationship is a possibility, just suggest Amazon vouchers and leave it at that. I don't think any of us can help you much as the situation is obviously very complicated and only you know how you feel and what you think might be possible in the future.

I'm not reacting with anger to anyone's suggestion that there is contact . Under the circumstances I am very calm but what I have learnt throughout all this is life is too short for negativity / hassle in our lives.

And yes I have asked her how she is. No, since his death I haven't been in touch but that's due to her threatening behaviour. However during his illness I was in touch and advised her that she should really take the opportunity to talk to someone. Yes she's grieving, yes she my mother in law but anyone else that has threatens me I wouldn't knowingly make contact with.

Thanks for your replies. At the moment I won't be replying and I will think on as what to do.

I think if this was a male relative rather than a MIL that had been making violent threats, you'd probably be getting different responses.

That said, if her behaviour was completely out of character and she gave a sincere apology, I'd be willing to give her a chance. Grief can cause awful reactions. Sorry you've had to deal with this.

The behaviour is not out of character the other daughter in laws have got this treatment for years. She never did it to me as I kept
Myself to myself and my husband wouldn't have stood for it.