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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged mother in law wwyd

68 replies

Bluewidow · 18/11/2018 20:18

Long story husband passed away 5 months ago. Mother in law was awful in the past few weeks before his passing- horrid text messages etc. since funeral she has not been in contact with me or my children. Not even a text to ask if they are ok, or a letter through the post. Except for today when she texts me asking what they want for Xmas. So I ask you what would your response would be. For me it's not being a grandparent just to send presents, she hasn't been here for these kids and to just get in contact now because it's
Christmas doesn't sit right with me. Could I just tell her to stick her presents back up her chimney?

OP posts:
KC225 · 19/11/2018 00:48

Why not give her a chance, she is a link for your children to their Dad. She can talk to them about his likes and dislikes when he was a child. The old stories, photos. As hurt as you may be for your children, perhaps give her one more chance. It sounds as if you have been doing so well but maybe the text today was a way of opening a dialogue. Keep it light, say you'll ask them or perhaps she would like to ask them?

She has behaved badly/oddly but you could be an ally in your court.

Original poster
Bluewidow · 19/11/2018 02:15

Thanks for your replies, but this isn't grief making her act like this, she hAs always been like this. There is no back story previously I had no issues with her. She turned on me because when she phoned the hospital one night they wouldn't tell her how he was she assumed wrongly that I had told them not to tell her. I explained that when I phone they don't tell you I any detail how he is but to no avail. I had messages threatening to send someone to smash my car up and accusing me of sleeping with husbands friend.

Grief isn't a competition and I can't buy into the loosing the child is the hardest of losses and find it quite insulting tbh. How does anyone know what any of us is feeling and to what extent. This isn't about me, I just get in I have to. But this is about two grieving children and not even a text in 5 months to say " are the children ok?" When she can spend hours posting on FB and out drinking. Perhaps I'm just too protective of my children, but under the circumstances I think that's the right way to be. I actually can't answer the way I want and ask her if her text is for real and a previous poster said a granny is for life not just for Xmas hits the nail on the head. If I do any type of reply other than tell her the presents it will end many more abusive messages.

OP posts:
KC225 · 19/11/2018 05:48

Well it seems as though you have your decision OP. You need to do what have to do for you and the children. You don't have to reply.

toomuchtooold · 19/11/2018 06:10

I'm sorry for your losses OP Flowers

You're not too protective, you're protective enough. If you want to get past this text without causing a fight I would suggest asking for vouchers and maybe explaining that the kids haven't given a Christmas list much thought - although god knows there's no guarantee that she won't take the hump whatever you say, sometimes they make contact and they're just looking for a reason to start a fight, so if it does go pear shaped don't blame yourself in the slightest.

Really sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else. Batshit mental relatives are the gift that just keeps on giving.

Alfie190 · 19/11/2018 06:32

I think you are being unkind. She has lost a child. It isnt a competition, but surely you do know this is the worst loss anyone can suffer.

BertrandRussell · 19/11/2018 06:36

Do whatever is the absolute easiest for you. So if any sort of engagement will escalate things, a very brief email saying "Some vouchers for X shop would be lovely. Thank you" is probably the best thing to do.

Original poster
Bluewidow · 19/11/2018 06:38

Alfie190 - what about my children's loss? I have a son who wants to kill himself and yes would benefit from a relationship which is why I'm pissed off.

OP posts:
2cats2many · 19/11/2018 06:42

She sounds pretty chaotic and probably unable.to support you and your children in the way you want. From your latest update, it sounds as though a lot of this is about her dreadful behavior when your DH was dying as much as anything else. I don't think that anyone should underestimate the anger that comes with grief and I totally get why you feel that way that you do.

What's hard is that even if you don't want a relationship with her, she is still your children's grandchildren and you are the only person now who can facilitate any kind of the relationship with her for them. They've already lost so much 🙁

On balance, I would let her send some presents. It may not be most peoples idea of a brilliant grandparent/grandchild relationship but maybe it's good enough for now?

Maelstrop · 19/11/2018 06:58

I'm not sure she would add anything to your or your DC's lives so I'd ignore her.

runwithme · 19/11/2018 06:59

My god, I can't believe some of the responses here. Yes, losing a child is awful -my mum lost hers- but OP, like my SIL, had set up a life with their DP with dreams of their future, they've had to stay strong for their D.C. whilst wanting to just breakdown.

OP. Ignore. Or just reply with vouchers or something neutral. The D.C. can write a thank you note and that's it for another year xThanks

londonrach · 19/11/2018 07:02

Id just answer her question. What they like. Sounds

londonrach · 19/11/2018 07:03

Like she is reaching out. Id just answer her question with 7 year old like this 9 year old this.

Potterpotty · 19/11/2018 07:04

I would respond with something that the kids want as this may help facilitate the relationship between them, and if it doesn't at least they got a gift.

All of the posters saying that the OP should feel sorry for the MIL because she lost her child, I get that but can you not see it actually has a bigger impact on the children. They have had their dad taken away from them and it is not as easy getting children through the grief stages. The MIL, by the sounds of it, hasn't been there for her son as she should have which could be giving her guilt but that's something she will need to work through.

Happygolucky009 · 19/11/2018 07:06

I would allow kids to accept gifts.... The alternative is to explain to your own children why grandma didn't bother.... Its a conversation you really don't need and a discussion your children don't need to hear. The path should be of least resistance for yourself, I am sorry for your loss but don't get embroiled in trying to creat a family environment which not everyone is invested in.

missnevermind · 19/11/2018 07:06

I would probably just treat the message at its face value and reply ‘They would like some Lego’ or ‘Jonny is into Ben 10 this year’
Leave everything else until you are stronger and less raw.

Hotpinkangel19 · 19/11/2018 07:12

Did you message her to ask how she is OP? It does work both ways too - you've lost your partner, but she's lost her son. I can't even imagine losing a child.

redexpat · 19/11/2018 07:20

Condolences op this is a really shitty situation.

Do you think she will ever step up and be the grandparent you want her to be? Was she a good gm before your dh died?

Your son needs help. Id really recommend Winston's wish if you havent already looked into it.

Scrumptiousbears · 19/11/2018 07:29

I also think you've already made your decision OP as you are reacting quite badly to anyone who suggest you contact MiL.

However FWIW. Your grief and the grief of your DC is not caused or made any worse by her actions. Your DP and the father of your DC died which is why you are all grieving and dealing with it in different ways.

Yes she lost a son. It's not a competition but you can't take away how she felt. What with the further information about the hospital refusing to speak to her, yes you didn't tell them to do that but imagine what she felt when her son was dying and she was refused access. Think how you'd feel if that was your son and thinking his wife did this. No the does make allowance for her behaviour but we all do shitty things in our lives at some point.

You need to take a step back and think are you refusing to respond to her just to punish her? Do you never want her in your life? The answers to this should help you work out what you need to do.

2cats2many · 19/11/2018 07:35

I don't think you're trying to punish her OP. I think that she lashed out at you in the worst way when you were at your most vulnerable and has done nothing to acknowledge that or apologise for it subsequently.

This is really hard stuff. My advice is to keep things neutral with her (don't try to make them better, don't make them worse) until you feel strong enough to tell her how you really feel. That time will probably be way down the track.

Hissy · 19/11/2018 07:42

I don’t think you should reply

I think this is a chance to live without toxicity in your/your dc life, and you should grab it with both hands

Sounds like even if your dh had survived, her behaviour could have resulted in NC anyway. You yourself say she’s never to be left alone with your kids

I hope you have a decent support network, enough to balance out the side that’s devoid of all kindness

Your suspicions that it’s box ticking seem right to me.

anniehm · 19/11/2018 07:42

Give her some slack, she has lost a son and people react in strange ways to grief. Just send her a few modest ideas and suggest she might want to join you for a family occasion as Christmas will be very painful for everyone this year. I suspect talking with you makes her remember her loss more acutely, it's so painful she is shutting you out.

Dealing with MIL's is hard in the best of circumstances! Take care

ChangoMutney · 19/11/2018 07:46

Send a text back saying Who is this?

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 19/11/2018 07:50

The dc are all sorted for Christmas.
No presents necessary.
I have sent this to my estranged mil at the start of our nc.
Do not accept anything from her.

Weenurse · 19/11/2018 07:55

Sorry you and your children are going through this 💐

VenusInSpurs · 19/11/2018 07:59

Op, what a terrible situation: I am so sorry.

I would respond as BertrsndRussell suggests. “Thank you, Lego, books, paw patrol would be lovely.” You could add “the approach to Christmas is so hard isn’t it?” As a way to tell her how you are but also acknowledging her own grief.

All that must have been horrendous to deal with while your husband was in hospital. Having supported someone very close through similiar I saw the family torn apart by people’s extreme non-rational behaviour. Existing ‘distance’ in a relationship became a war zone.

So sorry, OP.