To ask you what you would do if you were about to be a single parent?

[ohwelaughed]

I’ve phrased that so badly.

If you were planning a baby imminently alone what would you say are the most important things to sort out?

Money!
Some support for you, birth partner, someone to help in the early days if you need a caesarian.
I loved my time as a single parent it was fab.

Well, some of those probably won’t be possible but yes, money does seem paramount!

ive always been a single
parent. wasnt too bad i do it all alone now with 4 as ex is completely absent. money is the biggest problem (or lack of it!) as no finacial contribution from ex.

Life insurance, a will, access arrangements and a return to work earlier than the twelve months of maternity leave to conserve savings,

Okay, top tips from someone who's been there.

Are you on maternity leave and planning to go back to work? If so, pick a nursery near home rather than near work. It just makes things easier logistically (e.g. when you get ill - means you only have to stagger round the corner). Also pick a nursery which covers everything - food, milk, nappies provided. Makes the logistics much easier.

Also re. nurseries (NB this may well be out of date, if there's a move from the childcare element of working tax credits to UC which sucks all round) - check whether you're better off claiming tax credits or using vouchers (paid for out of your gross salary so tax free). Depending on your income, you may be better off using tax credits than vouchers.

If you can fit it into your bedroom, the one thing really worth splashing out on is a "side car" cot. It will make for much, much more sleep in the long run.

Pick up as much second hand as you can - babies don't care what they're dressed in! They don't need nearly as much stuff as you might think. Fancy over the cot changing shelf? Nope, a 5 quid plastic foam changing mat on the floor will do fine. Etc.

You can't conjure up practical help, but if you don't have any and can't afford any, you have a child 24/7 with you, which impacts massively on your life.

So getting in the right frame of mind. I babysit (for free), for a LP and she wallows that life would be so much better with a Partner, when this Forum, alone, will tell you that it isn't always.

I was unexpectedly Widowed with three children, so money Is great, but I did it without. My Mum helped with childcare.

I agree that babies don't need much spending on them. Try to save for when they are older and expensive.

Value Friendships and be open to new ones. LPing can be isolating.

Just to clarify, this is something I am planning and I don’t have a partner - I am looking at using donor sperm. Sorry if that was misleading.

I'd work on building up sources of emotional support, above all else, including practical support and money

It’s money that’s needed then. There isn’t going to be much practical support but that’s OK.

There are few practical problems that can’t be solved by chucking money at them, I find. YouTube is a huge help, however!

The emotional is more difficult and even with your eyes open, there is nothing that can prepare you for weeks of no sleep, the dilemma of choosing between sick child and a work meeting or the being in the park with all families around you. It is a long way back to freedom -12 years before you can realistically build your own life again unless you earn enough for babysitters en masse.

I know, but I need to experience being a mum.

I think having support on hand is really important, OP. The exhaustion and relentless of being a parent can't be overestimated - it is harder than anyone can describe. Whether that's a friend, a relative or if necessary paid help (I honestly think I'd look for a live-in nanny / au pair if I could possibly afford it) I think you'll really struggle without it.

I'd co-sleep if I was a single parent, definitely.

And just as an aside - and I know I'll get flamed for this, but I believe it's the truth and it's important to say it sometimes - there are other, equally valid ways to live an emotionally fulfilling life than being a mum. Your life won't be meaningless if you don't have a child. Quite the opposite.

Best of luck with your journey - I'm sure you'll do brilliantly whatever happens and you're very sensible to think ahead for the practicalities.

practical help would be great but ive managed without. if you dont have it you dont have it!

I don’t think you’ll get flamed for it peach but not for me. Life is quite meaningless to be honest.

I have a colleague who has conceived via sperm donor and the reality is very difficult.

Her little boy has been diagnosed ASD and ADHD. She has very little practical support and no additional financial support. She is currently in a position where she is looking to be re-deployed to a less demanding job on reduced hrs and considerably reduced pay. This is due to a combination of factors but mainly because she is not managing.

Also relationships are difficult because of the lack of support there is no one to care for her child or have them overnight. I know she is feeling very isolated and alone.

I'm sorry if I sound negative I really don't mean to but I also speak as a single parent of a child with a disability (I do get support). It is very tough doing it alone.

If that’s you when you don’t mean to sound negative, I’d hate to hear you when you do!

Honestly my advice would be to get a job that has a good maternity package and flexible working and a nice atmosphere. If you are the sole earner bringing up a child then try to make the earning g as stress free as possible

That's fair enough OP. I felt the same before I had DD - it's only since having her I've realised it. Which sounds very hypocritical and patronising but it's true.

They are wonderful and worth the sacrifices though. Good luck.

Set an alarm for every 2 hours at night and get up and go to the kitchen and back to bed then sit up in bed or a chair for 30 mins before going back to sleep

Will give you good practice for night feeds and making bottles if you can't breast feed

You definitely need a job with some flexibility.

I'm a single parent now and any time my baby is sick... I'm off work to take care of him and when day care closes early over Xmas I'm off

and bank holidays daycare closes too but you still have to pay for it even though it's closed and it's expensive

You could consider getting an au pair for practical help and a break but lots of them are totally useless and lie that they have experience and qualifications etc

Well done for being so brave and using a sperm donor though, it will so so so much easier than dealing with an exh or partner and having to give you child to him every weekend!!!

And consider where you live as when future baby is a 1 yr old they will need a safe enclosed garden with enough room for slide/swim set trampoline etc to tire them out and also get fresh air

I'd also practise having a 2/3 min shower as I still resent things like no long showers that no one tells you about.

You are so time poor as a single parent you literally have no free time when there isn't something that needs done. I'm not lying. I used to run and I used to read most days.

Now no chance of reading. I'm in bed early every night and up early before dawn and I get woken up several times during the night by baby. Just no free time at all but it shouldn't last forever

After baby finally goes to sleep at night you will have to do all their washing and sterilising bottles if using and the housework before you go to bed.
When you finish maternity it's not as bad but you have to be mega organised and have all your clothes washed in advance as young children need their clothes changed so many times a day with milk and then weaning and then the drooling and the nappy leaks

Also I don't know if you drive but if so...

Look for a buggy that isn't too expensive and will fold up easily into your car boot

I have bought 4 different travel systems including one I had to take the wheels off to get in my boot. Try doing that after being for a walk in a muddy park

So don't spend over 1000 on your first buggy like I did, unless you have an mpv. it was such a waste and you will prob end up buying 2/3 different ones

Also your home will never stay clean again. Children even a single baby crawling around... they are so messy

Hey I'm literally in the same boat, planning on being a single mum through donor sperm. I'm planning on starting next year, March time. So what I'm doing now is I'm going through finances, clearing debt and saving! If I save properly I'll have a good £8000 or more for when/if I get pregnant.

Don't underestimate the emotional impact on your child of not having a father around. My child's father is absent from his life, always has been. He has loads of love from his granddad and uncles and is generally a very sunny resilient child but listening to his friends talk about their dads definitely has an impact on him and he's faced many questions from others about his dad's whereabouts. As a single parent the single most important thing for me has been family support. I get a lot of 'breaks' as he often stays at GP's/cousins etc, that time to myself is priceless. And just having people to share all his achievements with, it's really hard when your child does something to make you proud and there's no-one to share that with.