To ask you what you would do if you were about to be a single parent?

[ohwelaughed]

I’ve phrased that so badly.

If you were planning a baby imminently alone what would you say are the most important things to sort out?

I'm a single parent. My top tips would be to sort work and finances. I'm extremely lucky that I have a very sympathetic boss and team but I work FT in academia so often still at a computer until very late evening. I have no local family but joined NCT (other groups are available ;) ) and made myself go to numerous other baby groups. I have a social life ( of sorts)but it is tricky.

My child is asking more about her father ( we were together briefly, he left 6 months ago following a second affair) and as we never lived together she seems accepting that mummy and her are a family unit. Daddy lives seperately. It is important for good male role models and it is really tough sometimes (still) when friends are around with husbands etc. It can be unbelievably exhausting but you do need to try and find a way to have a few hours of time to yourself too or you will struggle. I factored in one evening a week of babysitting time to run or swim. It's not much but gives a bit of breathing space. I've made some nice friends through nursery too. Good luck.

Have you thought about co-parenting? The actor Charlie Condou wrote about it in a newspaper.

I think it’s impossible to plan for every possible eventuality pineapple

Of course but you will get sick at some point and your child will get sick rather a lot in the first few years. These are certainties so you need to plan for them.
If you have absolutely no one that could help you then I wouldn't have a child.

Life insurance! And potential guardians lined up in case of death. I know this sounds a bit alarmist but a friend of mine who was a single mother by choice died unexpectedly recently and it is so so so so so so crucial even if it is unlikely you will need it.

Savings to get you through the early years of childcare costs. Alternatively, the means to take the time off then (although personally I recommend going back to work even if it feels like it costs money, because it's an investment in your future career really -- it's tough to go out of the loop and then try to get back in after a break).

Co-sleeping is lovely and easy, but research how to do it safely and ideally move to a mattress/futon right on the floor and give up your bedframe.

The number for a good lactation consultant if you want to breastfeed! You are likely to need some knowledgeable support and this will help ever so much.

The Great Big Book of Families by Mary Hoffman. Any other books you can lay your hands on that also include 'non-standard' families. Your LGBT friends with kids will be a brilliant treasure trove of suggestions! Juniper Jupiter is also a fun book (just a story about something totally unrelated) with a kid and a mum as the central characters and no gumf about anyone else -- I found it a refreshing read. The Paperbag Princess!

Also, cultivate your other friends with non-standard families! They will be a lifeline of sanity and affirmation in a world that can sometimes feel a bit 'mum, dad, 2.5 children'. Ask them their advice. Make them cups of tea now -- they will undoubtedly be making you cups of tea later on...

Save up for some help post-baby. You will be knackered and exhausted and freaked out and loved up all at the same time. You will highly value help with cleaning, cooking, or just holding the baby for five minutes while you grab a shower. As a single mother, this is seriously worth spending money on to make sure you have enough support especially in the 6-8 weeks post-birth while you are recovering physically and adjusting to motherhood.

If you can move somewhere with an extra room for an au pair, do it! Invaluable now and when it comes to school holidays and school pick ups.

But oh man, it's so wonderful. If you feel drawn to having a child, it is so incredibly fulfilling and wonderful and worth all the hard work. And you'll be fine. The universe adjusts and expands to fit a new baby in, costs and practicalities and all. You'll be surprised by the kindness of friends, family and strangers. You'll have tough moments and you'll still come out of it feeling like a million dollars; the bravest girl in the world. Because, well, you will be.

Seriously consider your support network and move closer to them if you can op. This year I had flu (proper flu, not just a heavy cold) and there's no way I could have coped if my parents hadn't come to look after the baby, also had to have an operation to fix birth complications and again I couldn't have coped without my mum having the baby during the operation and whilst I recovered the next day. 99.9% I can do everything on my own but every now and then I need help

Having considered it carefully, I'm not sure that male role models are as essential as people often say. But you might want to think about where the 'male energy' in your life comes from and whether those pals/relatives are going to want to be closely involved.

Pick godparents strategically! Don't ust pick your best friends or people with loads of kids already who you admire and think must be good at this stuff; instead pick people who have the space in their life to love YOUR kid specifically and who will really invest the time and effort in doing so.

The number of a psychotherapist or child psychologist to help you work on the 'story' of where your little one comes from, and to help you prepare for their questions.

A clear understanding of what is or isn't involved with your donor sperm! I assume you will be doing this through an agency (HIGHLY recommended) but possibly you are thinking of co-parenting, in which case think VERY carefully and with a clear head about the implications of that. If you are using donor sperm through an agency, make sure you are totally clear about what information is or isn't available to you, and whether that person is or isn't happy to be contacted in future (and legally speaking what the framework is).

I used to read a lovely blog - by a single mother by choice in Israel. I found her writing so fascinating and I learned an awful lot from reading about her parenting. It's no longer active but is definitely worth a read: jsmbc.blogspot.com/

How old are you op? If you don't mind

38

Thanks for replies.

I had DD on my own. I had enough money saved to have a year off on maternity. It was the best year of my life. D's wasn't a great sleeper but I just adjusted my life style and slept around her. I went back to work part time when she was one. I found a great nursery that was close to home. It was expensive but so worth it. Both DD and I made great friends that are still a big part of our life.

Secret is to stick to having only one child. Forget about having a social life outside of parenting and put your own life goals and hobbies parked for a whist.

Like you I was late 30s when I had DD. By this point I had travelled a lot, partied a lot and had several different and interesting careers. I was ready to prioritise a child.

You will be fine op - just get your finances sorted and you will be fine.

My best friend used a sperm donor and 15 years later her son is one of the happiest kids I know. It helped that money was never a problem for her so she was flexible but she had no support from family.

My partner works away for months at a time and even when he’s back it’s only the odd weekend so I feel like I’ve been a single parent from the beginning. In my opinion if all you’ve ever known is being on your own with a baby and it was planned then it’s a lot different.

Money is a huge factor, you don’t want to be worrying about it. Yes you might get flu and have nobody to help, it will be hard but it’s not worth missing out on motherhood for. For me it was important to get out and do something most days, even if it’s just to the shops. Being on your own with a baby is all consuming. If you really want a baby then in my opinion it’s the best thing you can ever do.

Single mum here 👋🏻

Finances - budget as much as possible. Plan for as many costs as you can - pushchair, baby clothes, car seat etc. Check on a benefits calculator to see if you're entitled to extra help once little one is here. If you'd get reduced income on Mat leave then check this scenario too.

Support - if no real life support then you could consider hiring a doula for the birth. Join local baby groups and create a new network, there may be specific groups for single parents. Research local childminders/nannies in case your baby doesn't let you any sleep - might be worth hiring someone to allow you a few hours power nap a week.

Best of luck xxx

@CandyCreeper
Can you explain the circumstances which have led to you always being a single parent to four children?

@Tillytrotter123
When your partner is away for long periods of time it is not the same as being a single parent. Not At All. And to be frank I find that flippant comment quite insulting.

If you genuinely have no close family/friends then what are your arrangements going to be for providing a guardian in the event of your death or incapacity to parent your child due to illness or an accident? Sorry if that sounds blunt but you sound as though you want a child as if it is some sort of accessory to make your life better.

I have a child, a supportive DH, comfortable lifestyle, close family and friends and being a parent is still the hardest, most challenging aspect of my life. Think very carefully.

Rag, well, yes.

Everyone has a child because they want one, planned or otherwise. Therefore the reasonable inference from that is that they believe having a child will enhance their life.

That isn’t to say I don’t believe I can’t provide a happy and stable life for a child - I do believe I can.

WhatShoesCinders - I’m sorry you find it insulting, I didn’t mean for it to appear flippant.

My DD is 9 months old, my partner is in the military and has literally spent a few weekends at home since she was born. I said ‘I feel single’ and I do. I have been the only one who has got up with her in the night, looked after her when she is poorly, taken her to the doctors, fed her, weaned her. Last night she woke up 6 times now she’s in her own room, I get no help from anyone. I’m on my own with a baby for months at a time with no support.

I might not be single but I feel I have an insight into deciding to have a baby knowing you will be on your own which I thought could help the OP.

Op you're still not answering what you'd do in the event of illness, disability, death etc. It is something you need to think about. You can't pretend these things never happen.

pineapple, that’s because you aren’t the conception police and I don’t need to justify myself to you.

That sounds rude as hell and I actually don’t intend it to.

However, here’s the thing - even if I had those arrangements, life can change in the blink of an eye. I could say confidently to you ‘I have my parents who would help!’ Even if I did (they are no longer around) it doesn’t mean they’d still be around for the duration of my child’s childhood.

Options are, friends - possible but not ideal. Friends have their own children. Or recognise that we live in a country where my child won’t actually be cast out on the street and be thankful for that much at least.

I’ve experienced a great deal of bereavement which is partly why I am now inclined to think life’s just too short.

You don't have to justify yourself, no, but you are here asking for opinions. My opinion is, get some reliable support.

Yes, but you are giving your opinion in the sense that you clearly believe this is not something I should do, which isn’t what I am asking MN for.

Single mum by choice here, DD is 1. I agree with everyone who has said budget and plan financially as much as possible! When it’s just you to provide for a child, it becomes so much more important.

I couldn’t have done it without a good support network around me. Sometimes you just need someone to vent to, you will need a babysitter, you have tonsillitis and can hardly get out of bed let alone look after a baby (not talking from experience at all!). So whatever that network looks like, you need it!

My DD has a couple of male family members that I would class as role models for her but she doesn’t see them that often, I am aware that they will be important relationships for her in the future and want to help them build a good bond. That was my main concern when deciding to TTC, but I’m definitely with all the previous posters who said that no dad is way better than a shit dad!

I really believe that if you want to be a mum, you can make it happen and put things into place to make it work well. Just be aware that you aren’t superwoman and you can’t do everything perfectly all by yourself, sometimes you will need help and some days it’ll be a struggle and that’s ok and no different to anyone else.

Don’t underestimate how tiring it will be when you go back to work. I was lucky enough to be able to move to 4 days after 3 months of being back at work, that has definitely saved my sanity.

For what it’s worth, in the space of DD’s first year I moved house, had a load of building work done, redecorated, finished an OU postgrad course, was made redundant whilst on mat leave and started a new job. We both survived! But definitely try to get all those type of things sorted before baby comes along!

Its bloody hard work but totally worth it. I also felt that burning urge to be a mum and now DD is here I can’t really remember what life was like before her. Being a mum has added a whole new dimension and it’s fab!

I agree with everyone who says get as wide a support network as you can. That doesn't necessarily mean family, but it might mean moving somewhere where you have more/better friends, joining online groups for single parents by choice, making a concerted effort to build up your existing friendships, especially those with friends who have small children, researching baby groups etc in your area. Try and reconnect with any existing family you have. Family connections start to matter in a really different way once you have kids. If any of your cousins etc have young children, start sending them Christmas cards.

The closest friends I've made since having DS have been through real-life connections - usually friends who've introduced me to friends who have children of a similar age. So be open about wanting/needing that. Don't assume you'll miraculously make lots of new friends once you have a baby, this shit takes effort. Practice it. The more people you have in your life, the happier you and your child will be.

Amass as much money as you possibly can. Sell stuff. Move somewhere cheaper. I'd move to a smaller house that gave me a bit of a financial cushion before I moved to a more expensive house with a garden.

And yes, you do need to think about which friend you're going to ask to look after your child if something happens to you. I don't just mean if you die - who are you going to ring up when you're admitted to hospital with appendicitis? As you get older, your health generally gets worse. At some point in the next sixteen years, you are going to be incapable of parenting for at least a week. Who are you going to call?

Really? Because my parents weren’t

As I say, I can’t possibly plan for every eventuality. I have no family at all. I have some friends but they have small children of their own. I do think toddler groups and the like open you up to meeting others who could possibly help but then there is the worry of being branded a CF.

(I grew up in a single-parent family and had a very happy childhood. But there were at least three periods in my childhood where my grandparents literally moved in with us for a couple of months because my mum eg needed a serious operation. None of those times were predictable. Think back to your own childhood - how many times can you remember one or more of your parents being ill or going into hospital or needing to work away? You need at least one friend you can call when that happens to you.