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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To worry he will enter my room without permission

104 replies

Flappypants · 16/11/2018 19:56

...so how (What) do I rig something up to prove it he has opened the door?

Background is EA, narc STBXH (the 130mph speeding one some people may remember from last summer). We ended up in a refuge and he moved out in early July. The divorce is HORRIFIC. And unbelievably expensive. He's practically stalking me now and has asked if he can collect some things from the house tomorrow. I agreed.

I know he will slither about and snoop and pry and I want to make it crystal clear that he is under no circs allowed in my room. How can I prove if he's done it despite my request and without him saying I've staged a photo proving that for example a small piece of paper has fallen out from where I've put it?

He has this ability to still get me in a tizz although I'm happier, more confident and more together than I've been in ten years. I have stood up to him, made him accountable and he hates it that I have not rolled over and done what he wants...he warned me he would make this bitter and he is as good as his word.

I've even reconnected with an old flame (happens to be the love of my life) and have high hopes for the future, whether alone (single) or involved with A.N. Other.

Help appreciated.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 17/11/2018 07:22

Have someone with you, your ex wouldn't have the chance to wander around alone.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 17/11/2018 07:24

Could you make a last minute nanny cam? Hollow out a soft toy and place your phone inside with the camera at the eye hole and set to record? He won't be looking for that, a laptop etc may be too obvious and could make him angry.

Please have someone over with you when he comes round, it wil be much safer.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 17/11/2018 07:36

Don’t let him in!!!! Why would you consider this. Pack his shit leave by door.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 17/11/2018 07:38

Ok scrap that missed your update you have no choice.

cushioncuddle · 17/11/2018 07:39

If you'll not be in your house when he comes round , take a picture of the door locked as proof it was on - so he can't gaslight you saying you didn't seal it.

ButtonMoonLoon · 17/11/2018 07:45

Dozens of posters have now posted making suggestions, and I can’t see a single comment from you where you’ve taken anything on board.
Baffling.

adaline · 17/11/2018 07:49

Why on earth would you let this man in your house? Ask him what he needs, stuff it in bin bags or boxes and leave it outside. Have a male friend or relative with you if you're scared he might become violent. I would also recommend having the police on speed dial so you only need to press a button to get them to come out.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 17/11/2018 07:50

When we had a very tiresome flat agent who randomly let people into our home (think loads of double glazing salesmen) without our permission when we weren't there and swearing tjt no one had come in...

I placed lots of glitter in a plastic mug immediately behind my bedroom door... You could get in/out if you knew it was there and careful... But anyone throwing the door open would knock it flying.... Yup had glitter all over my roomGrin. Qed

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/11/2018 07:58

Can your new man / friends/ relatives be there? I don’t understand why you have t answered this point. You will still be allowing him access. It will just be supervised.

WhatShoesCinders · 17/11/2018 07:58

button perhaps she's overwhelmed and bloody sick of people saying "just don't let him in".

It's not that straight forward.

All the best OP, I've been there and it's horrible. You are on the way to freedom from this bastard.

Juells · 17/11/2018 08:10

It sounds like you are still enmeshed in trying to "make" him acknowledge his behavior

I know this feeling only too well. :( It's very difficult to leave behind. My sisters used to say "What does it matter if he acknowledges the gaslighting and bullshit? Just walk away." But it's about trying to prove to yourself even what's real and isn't real. My sisters were right though - controlling bullies are never going to admit to being bullies, the best you can do for yourself is to walk away and accept he'll never admit he did anything wrong.

Flappypants · 17/11/2018 08:28

Hi

I've got a shitty cold and have said to him I will leave anything urgent outside the front door. At such short notice I can't get anyone round to be here with me and in any case the children will be here and I don't want them confused when Daddy comes over. Next time I'll just arrange for someone to let him in and be around. I get a physical respinse when I'm near him. He makes me sick, panicky and upset. I'm doing well but he still has this knack of aking me feel ashamed of my very existence.

I'm not ignoring advice.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 17/11/2018 08:29

Are your children even safe with him? I would ask for supervised contact

Flappypants · 17/11/2018 08:31

He has said he will just do garage and out house and I have agreed. I will try and arrange a play date for the time he is going to be here so the children are distracted.

OP posts:
ohamIreally · 17/11/2018 08:32

OP google locksmiths in your area. Call the number and ask for someone to come and fit a lock on your bedroom door.

If you are embarrassed and feel you need to explain say it's for a lodger so that they have privacy.

It will cost about £130. They will give you keys. It feels like a lot of money but it will be well spent.

I will post pictures of the one I had done when my ex kept going into my bedroom.

To worry he will enter my room without permission
To worry he will enter my room without permission
Missingstreetlife · 17/11/2018 08:32

Feel for you, don't have him in your space, why should he be allowed to make you feel like that. Try to have no contact. Best wishes

Flappypants · 17/11/2018 08:33

Cafcass have no concerns about him. The concerns I have are his gaslighting and manipulation of them which I have seen myself but which I cannot prove iykwim

OP posts:
ohamIreally · 17/11/2018 08:38

Oh and that screenshot of your conversation really resonated. My ex used to say "I don't know what you are talking about" all the time during our marriage. Must be the gaslighting catch phrase.

BlueJava · 17/11/2018 08:41

Have someone you trust with you is possible. Do not let him in - have his stuff ready in a box by the door. Give it to him, shut the door. He doesn't come in.

Dumbfounded212121 · 17/11/2018 08:43

Pack his stuff in a box. Have it outside. Be outside with door locked. If he says something is missing tell him to message you what is missing and you will find it and send to him

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/11/2018 08:44

It strikes me that there is a real need for a voluntary organisation - or just loose agreement - of women to support others women who are going through this sort of wearying, spiritually demanding shit,

Many women have spent years being controlled by abusing men. The control is often subtle at first, and the women don't realise what is happening until it is too late - often by then, they have been cut-off from family and friends, have lost their confidence and courage, are physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and are literally terrified every time the phone rings, or the doorbell chimes.

I'm not talking about a baying mob of women who would slice his balls off - though many deserve this - just two or three who would provide moral support and act as witness to any inappropriate behaviour on the man's part. Or indeed the woman's - this must happen in gay relationships, too, and we all need to know that we aren't on our own - that there is at least one person on our side, who will hold our hand if we need it.

I've been through an abusive relationship myself - you would not believe (unless you have experienced it) how difficult it is to mentally cope with it - and often people's physical health is broken, too. I still, 40-odd years later, feel physically sick at the thought of accidentally running into him. I never have, but If I see someone who looks like him my stomach turns over and I can feel myself shrinking mentally and physically. It affects me for days - weeks - afterwards, leaving reliable to burst into tears at the slightest thing, giving me nightmares etc.

OP- please PLEASE don't let him into your home. Pack up his stuff - have it waiting for him OUTSIDE the house. Tell him that if there is anything missing to text you and you will look for it - or just say it isn't there and he must be mistaken. Have someone with you (would a neighbour sit with you- even this would be comforting and provide you with a witness).

DON'T allow him in the house alone - he might damage electrics or anything to cause a small fire, or plant drugs - he sounds unhinged, so you have no idea what stupid malicious actions he might take.

You've been given good advice form many people on this thread, a lot of whom have been through it - learn from their experiences. He'll never change - you've done a great job severing your relationship, do as Juells sisters advised and let it go, no matter how much you need to prove to yourself he's doing this. It just isn't worth it.

Walk away - he knows he can still rattle your cage and this excites him and re-inforces his power - don't give him the chance.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/11/2018 08:47

By the time I'd written my book typed my post things had moved on and there were further responses so I find I've cross-posted. If I were you OP I wouldn't even be outside to greet him. Stay indoors, don't engage, leave his shite where he can pick it up and carry it off.

zzzzz · 17/11/2018 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMamaYo · 17/11/2018 09:34

You get some amazing cameras for less than £50, if you connect it with an app on your phone, you can monitor it at any time.

Get one to monitor the outside of your house too, situated on your windowsill inside. He can’t get to it and it will be obvious so he might think twice about lurking outside your house.

In fact, these cameras are available to people who do reviews for Sellers, so they get it for free and then flog it on eBay for less than half price. Really worth thinking about.

Flappypants · 17/11/2018 09:45

Thank you so much everyone. I'll get a camera rigged up asap. My mum can't understand how I get so rattled. They say just don't let him get to you. So much easier to just say it.

I will pack every single thing of his I can find in the house and put it into suitcases and boxes.

Love you, MN x

OP posts:
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