To worry he will enter my room without permission

[Flappypants]

...so how (What) do I rig something up to prove it he has opened the door?

Background is EA, narc STBXH (the 130mph speeding one some people may remember from last summer). We ended up in a refuge and he moved out in early July. The divorce is HORRIFIC. And unbelievably expensive. He's practically stalking me now and has asked if he can collect some things from the house tomorrow. I agreed.

I know he will slither about and snoop and pry and I want to make it crystal clear that he is under no circs allowed in my room. How can I prove if he's done it despite my request and without him saying I've staged a photo proving that for example a small piece of paper has fallen out from where I've put it?

He has this ability to still get me in a tizz although I'm happier, more confident and more together than I've been in ten years. I have stood up to him, made him accountable and he hates it that I have not rolled over and done what he wants...he warned me he would make this bitter and he is as good as his word.

I've even reconnected with an old flame (happens to be the love of my life) and have high hopes for the future, whether alone (single) or involved with A.N. Other.

Help appreciated.

Why are you even considering letting him into your house?

He gives you a list of things he wants out of the house.
You gather them. Tick them off the list.
Arrange collection by a third party. Give them a copy of the list.
Done.

Don't have him in the house.

Under no circumstances should you allow him enter your home

Don't trust him at all. I bet he's not even interested in what he's coming over for. He just wants to do something.

What about buying and screwing on one of those door bolts (they type they put on toilets & on shed doors etc)

Alternatively, my grandad used to have a sensor that sat by the door and an alarm bleeped if anyone walked past it, probs a bit late to buy one of those now (plus an added expense you don't really want)

Phone set up recording on the side? Would piss him off tho if you had to confront him with the video after. Though you wouldn't necessarily have to do it there and then, do it after via text?

Or what about having a family member or friend deal with him and you go out for the day?

Why on earth would you let him in the house?

Put his stuff outside in a cardboard box and don't look back.

As mentioned, don't let him in. Funny, I was thinking about you and his "swishing" of the car yesterday and wondering how you are.

Keep him out, ignore him if he tries to insist.

Do not let him in your home. Tell him you’ve taken advice and changed your mind. He is not to come to your home you will have his belongings sent to him if he gives you a list. If he doesn’t live far shove them in an uber or similar if it’s a bit further use parcelmonkey to post them

Do not let him in without being accompanied by independent 3rd party.

My parents' divorce was pants - they ended up with a police officer coming around. Unless she could prove it was owned by her solely the office told her to leave it there. She tried to take stuff that was not hers.

So we have undertakings that he can come in to get things with reasonable notice. We are still in the family home and he lives round the corner (too close for comfort IMO). When we were still under the same roof I was utterly paranoid and convinced there were bugs and cameras around the place. He went through my cupboards and drawers and found a file I had hidden in there...took out the contents and replaced them with a note, the creepy fucker.

I'm talking to the police about his latest weirdnesses as I am getting fed up and although I've agreed to him doing it, I am no longer comfortable. I am ill atm and he knows it so i could conceivably put him off saying I'm too unwell and tired to leave the house and then I can make other arrangements. But I can't realistically prevent him collecting his own belongings from his own house (both on mortgage).

You need to cancel this meeting with him at the house and get a third party to deliver it to him. Seriously, do it!

Oh and "new" interest isn't new, we go bsck years and years...slightly star-crossed the first time round, taking it slow and no, I wouldn't dream of getting him to come over and "police" stbxh. Red rag and all that.

Anoukspirit you've hit the nail on the head. He's an utter c*nt. He has me well trained. He has tried to get me certified insane. Made me see a forensic psychologist to assess my fitness as a mother and assess my mental state. Cafcass have come out well on my side and so did the psychologist (basically I'm not insane and any difficulty was situational I.e. being with him and his EA, coercuve control and abuse).

Get every last thing of his together, and have someone else hand them to him. Ask for Police assistance, because you feel threatened by him.
On no account let him cross your threshold. Stay safe.

If you had to go to a refuge op I really don’t think it’s a good idea he is in the house alone with you

You are being very brilliant and brave by the way

Get people round to support you.

Get a camera. There's so much choice out there now and they're quite reasonable.

Follow him around the house as he packs.

Take control of this situation. Well done OP and good luck

Is "undertakings" a legal thing? So, you don't have a non-molestation order in place? Regardless if you don't feel safe then you don't have to let him him.

If you do, then stay there and have others with you.

Feel for you, Op.
Have you got enough money to contact a private security firm to supply a couple of their heavies staff to be in the house with you, preferably a male and a female pretending they are a couple of visiting friends. They are trained to keep situations 'calm', but should be menacing enough to keep you safe in your own home.

(((((((Madd Hugs))))))) 😠😢🍷🌸

You've ignored everyone saying don't let him in. Why ? Stay safe.

The only way you can assure yourself that he has not been in your room is to have someone in the room and the room itself locked from the inside. Barring that, you need a big and obvious padlock on the outside of the door. It can always be removed and plaster patched and painted when it's no longer needed.

I agree with others that you need to have people in the house to monitor when he's there. Better yet would be to have someone following him filming to be sure he didn't go where he is not supposed to, but I expect that might cause more problems than it would solve.

When you say you have 'undertakings', does that mean there is a legal court order granting him access to the home? If so, does it stipulate for how long (ie until all his belongings are gone?) or is it an open ended order? If not, then would it be worth getting something that specifies your own desires, like access until XXXX date when he needs to have his belongings all out?

Please do try to have someone with you in the house when he comes and, if possible, have his stuff all together in the hall so he doesn't need to move around the house.

The other thing would be to pack up his gear and deliver it to him.

Please OP, explain why you need to let him in the house. Is it court ordered?

If not, have some people around for safety reasons and email EXH to ask what he wants to collect.

If he replies, gather it all up and leave at the door and tell him this.

I don't know what the situation is if he has access to your home. But I sure as heck would have a HUGE lock on my bedroom door, and would deal with the fallout later. Take back control in other words.

Hope you will be ok.

Can you get an occupation order? Obviously not for tomorrow but soon? Does that prevent him being allowed in?

If you are scared he will go in your room this is for a reason. Do you think he'd set up a camera to watch you?
He sounds creepy as fuck and I would urge you not to let him in the house. Living round the corner is to try and control you, so is him demanding to come round. No need. If he kicks off call the police. He sounds an absolute bastard.

This is what I have to deal with. He is not supposed to come to the house without my say so. A neighbour warned me he had been outside taking photos so I asked. I did have A non-mol which was replaced by undertakings.