DP going on boys trip

[lookingforasolution101]

I'm expecting to be told IU but I really don't think I am.

DP came home the other night, there had been no issues before hand, as soon as he walks through the door he says 'we are going to fall out. I have been asked by A to go with A and B on holiday to X and I'm going'.

I took my DP to X last year for his birthday so he doesn't even want to go there, he is going to ask the friends to change the destination. But the way the message was written by A is 'Me and B are going to X, want to join?' it would be for a friday-sunday (around work) in January.

So it's annoyed me for a few reasons:

1. his approach was rude and very selfish.
2. we have a small puppy together, there seems to be the expectation that I will then just look after her that weekend, there was no 'do you mind because you will look after her and i'll do one weekend when you want to go away'
3. it felt like a kick in the teeth because i've spent ages and thousands of pounds booking this special birthday surprise abroad for his birthday over Christmas period. I take him every year but it's his 30th so more of the costs fall on me as he said he will not contribute this year since he is 30. I tried to get his friends to come along (all have the money to do so) and they said no, as it's Christmas time I understood so then arranged a surprise birthday party for the week after we get back ( a week before he'd be going to X) his friends seem non-committed and it has really called into question how much these friends care about him.
4. we are putting our house on the market and both work full time so viewings can only ever be at the weekend - this means we either write that weekend off (which I think is silly) or I take sole responsibility of ensuring the house is presentable for that time.
5. X is one of the most expensive cities in the world, think half pint of beer £12, it prevented us doing much when we went there last year. I am already contributing more to the next house's deposit as I have more money saved.

For any relevance I'm 24 and have only been in work 2 years but in a very good career. I earn minimally more than him, I am always better with money and all responsibility with arranging things is on my shoulders and I just feel taken advantage of in this situation.

Sorry it's so long, but what do you think should happen, what kind of negotiations?

If he'd asked nicely, my first port of call would have been whether or not these friends would either want to go anywhere other than X because if not, it would be pointless as he wouldn't want to go.

If he'd asked nicely

He’s your partner not your child. I don’t think he needs to ask your permission. However, I do think he should have discussed it with you and asked if you minded him taking a weekend away when you’ve got a lot on.

You say the holiday and party are surprises so I’m assuming he doesn’t know about them. You seem resentful of the money and effort you’ve put into organising these events and that he isn’t grateful enough. However, he doesn’t actually know about them so you should cut him some slack there. If he did know what you’d arranged, he may have approached this differently.

Do you often object to him spending time with his friends? It seems he was expecting you to be objectionable about it from the off.

Call the estate agent and tell them to notify you of any viewings that will be happening that weekend, and to make sure they're close together. Then when the viewings are on you take the dog out to the park, or take her to a dog friendly cafe. Better to get the dog used to being out etc now while she's young, and then as she gets older she will be used to it so you can take her to more places. If she's not had her injections just carry her.

OR, tell the estate agent you can't do viewings that weekend?! I'm sure if someone was keen they'd see the property one evening or the following weekend.
OR, say 'DH, seeing as you can afford this weekend away you will have to also pay for the dog to go into kennels, I also had plans that weekend, which I haven't run past you yet'.

Or just forget it and go away for the weekend and he looks after the dog!

How long have you been with your DH?

You were stupid to get a puppy when you have no outdoor space and work full time really weren't you?

Just don't have house viewings that weekend, the market is pretty dead at the moment due to Brexit and the time of year.

Also, have a serious think about why you would spend thousands of pounds on a birthday treat when you are hoping to move house soon.

You don't sound like you particularly even like him.

Go away for A weekend I meant, not the same one but another one where he stays at home.

OP, just a thought...get a dog sitter for the weekend and have a weekend away with your friends at the same time. That might stop some of your resentful feelings at being left at home.

Why on Earth do you want to tether yourself to this person financially? FFS, where is your self-esteem? You're 24, not 44, and you're paying to enable this selfish prat. Why? This fucker has zero respect for you! Just none. I mean, WTF:
I do resent him, but not necessarily due to finances, it's the whole pulling your weight thing. I do EVERYTHING and it's exhausting, I'm 24 and feel like I'm living a very adult life when I should be enjoying myself. I do everything and take on the emotional burden of everything especially with the puppy. It's the selfishness of the situations it ends up in - for example, if I work from home he will say 'you could have at least cleaned you've been at home all day doing nothing' - I was working???

What a fucking arsehole. Just stop. Honestly, you are wasting your time and your life. He's a controlling, selfish wanker and you'll end up alone and skint and in debt if you waste more of your time with him.

Wake the fuck up! Give your head a wobble! He doesn't give a shit about you.

Start working on your self-esteem before it's too late and you've wasted your adulthood on him.

Don’t waste your twenties in this guy

Please, please listen to this ^

And also the deciding not to contribute to the holiday cos it's his 30th. What a prick.

No, we don't go to the same place every year. We each take each other on a holiday for our respective birthdays. However, his birthday is so close to Christmas that it's difficult so every year recently we've done it in a 'i'll pay hotel and flights' kind of way, but this place is exceptionally expensive we are going due to the time of year and it's a skiing location.

RE the puppy - she was about to be put down. We rescued her. I do not regret this as she is so happy and loved. I don't feel comfortable taking her on the underground to go and see my friends if I wanted to do something. We tend to spend our weekends as a little family or take it in turns for one of us to do something. It has never caused an issue before.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a puppy when you don't have a garden, I live on the beach so there's plenty of places to take her within a minute, I just can't let her off the lead to go out somewhere and not think about it until she's ready to come in.

We are buying a new house to accommodate the puppy - i.e. garden, more space.

We've been together 4 years.

Once again, he goes away with friends multiple times a year abroad, so no not the issue

Realistically your mum could look after the puppy during viewings, or you could take the puppy for a walk whilst the estate agent shows the viewers round if they can't possibly wait till Monday. I'd try not to use arguments like this, it makes you sound petty. Your points regarding financial issues and his lack of responsibilities are enough.

I imagine he expected resistance from you, hence his approach to discussing the weekend, which makes me think this scenario has happened before.

Maybe things aren't right between the both of you. If you are so disgruntled about the financial/responsibilities situation it'd be better to take the flat off the market and work at your relationship. You may find your just not compatible anymore, early 20's is very young to settle for somebody who isn't on the same page as you. Equally, it is far too young to not be "allowed" to go away with your friends when and to where ever you like. Maybe the puppy needs rehoming?

it's his 30th so more of the costs fall on me as he said he will not contribute this year since he is 30.

'we are going to fall out. I have been asked by A to go with A and B on holiday to X and I'm going'.

Sounds like a twat here tbh.

"i've spent ages and thousands of pounds booking this special birthday surprise abroad"

Which is, to my mind, just one of many reasons why surprise-anything is always a fucking stupid idea. If you're going to invest thousands of pounds in ANYTHING then your first order of business is to make sure that it is actually going to be well-received. e.g. by checking they actually want this super expensive gift, or that they are free for that super expensive weekend. At the very least it should be a case of "You absolutely, positively, totally need to keep this weekend free for a little something I have planned." mentioned well in advance. Otherwise how is he supposed to know that you've spent so much time and energy and money on something for him?? He's not psychic.

He sounds a bit thoughtless and rude, but not malicious, but sadly thoughtless and rude don't combine well with "seriously saving for a house".

If course he can go on a weekend away with friends as can you. My DH goes to Canada in a skiing trip each January with friends - it’s not an issue. I’ve done trips with my friends to New York, Dubai and Hong Kong.

@lookingforasolution101 what breed is it?

I've got a new partner now. He's not my DC's dad, nor did he enter into the dog ownership of my lively spaniel with me. If he gets invited out for a pint he asks me if it's ok for him to go. (Obviously I always say yes) but by asking he acknowledged that I'm 'stuck in' with a sleeping child/dog responsibilities and that part of the nice thing about having a partner is the companionship.

The fact he knew you would kick off is a red flag as he knew you would want to control his actions.

An adult should easily be able to manage a puppy and a house viewing. I can't imagine my DH using the fact we had pets as a reason to stop me doing things.

If he's self funding the trip from his own salary I'd have no issues.

Grt rid of tbis selfish twat and enjoy your 20ss. You won't get these years back.

"It's the selfishness of the situations it ends up in - for example, if I work from home he will say 'you could have at least cleaned you've been at home all day doing nothing' - I was working???"

This is the core of it - hes the Big Man out working and you're the little wifey at home trying to stop him jetting off on holiday leaving you with the kids puppy. Expect this to continue if you're thinking of having children in the future, he'll leave you to do everything.

I think you’ve made a mistake getting a puppy with a man child. I think you should give the puppy back to the breeder and get rid of your partner. You are entrenching yourself in an adult life, which neither of you want.

I do resent him, but not necessarily due to finances, it's the whole pulling your weight thing. I do EVERYTHING and it's exhausting, I'm 24 and feel like I'm living a very adult life when I should be enjoying myself. I do everything and take on the emotional burden of everything especially with the puppy.

Please stop doing everything.

You're 24. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of doing everything. You are not his mother, stop acting like it.

Step back - see if he steps up. If he doesn't, you have your answer about what he gets from the relationship.

He does what he wants and I have to make the logistics work
No you dont, you have a choice; stop facilitating him. Do it now before you tie yourself down any further.

You don't need to keep the puppy to have saved it from being PTS, you can rehome it and rethink your options.
Look at Battersea and Dogs Trust.

Think about having a break. Some space might give you some clarity. You aren't happy and he isn't going to step up.

The only thing I'd say is to keep careful records and bank statements showing how much of the deposit and mortgage payments you're contributing. Don't pay for household expenses instead of mortgage. Your contribution must be very clear in case you ever split up. it may be that eventually you'll find his attitude to money causes a rift between you. You're younger than he is, but seem to be more sensible financially.

Apart from that, he was an arse the way he told you.

On the surface I would have said that you might benefit from working on your resilience a little. None of your points are big issues and you can absolutely cope with keeping the house clean (hint...man away=less mess) for viewings and having a quiet weekend with the dog or chums coming to visit you.
HOWEVER... your further postings make me think that you are not really getting much joy from this relationship. Don't get me wrong, it shouldn't always be rainbows and butterflies but you are young, you have a good job, you are financially responsible, you own a property, have a pet...this doesn't seem like a period of trial in your life. If your relationship is this hard on the good days, it would worry me what it would be like when life gets tougher.

Ask yourself some questions and be honest, don't let love get in the way of the truth.

1, Do you feel as if he takes you granted.
2, Does he frivolously spend too much and make you fill in the financial gaps with your salary.
3, Does he use your home like a B&B and treat you like the landlady/maid.
4, Does he say you're a couple but act like a single man.
5, Does he show signs of the following attitude, "what's hers is ours, what's mine is not for sharing". That means in relation to wages, savings, time, emotion and physical effort such as housework etc.

He sounds like he has the potential to a selfish cocklodger in the future if you're not careful.

You're 24, do you really need this crap.

I'd personally sell the place, split the proceeds according to who put what in and tell him to sling his hook.

His comment about you should have cleaned because you were doing nothing all day whilst working from home is awful. It's speaks of utter disrespect for you to trivialise your work down to nothing.

Everything betty said.

You sound far more invested emotionally, practically, financially. He sounds like a huge drain.

With no kids and no financial issues of note, I think you are being unreasonable. This is the stage in life when you can go on trips with friends. Unless he is missing a key personal event, I would just tell him to have fun.

The key thing for me here is he knew immediately you would object.

To give you a comparison. My husband and I have never had to seek permission from each other to go away, we have never objected, we always simply assume the other will look after pet, dog etc. We don't need to ask the other if they would do this as we are and were equally responsible

If you're not happy with your relationship deal with it. But he's a grown up and if he wants to go away with his mates he can, with out your permission and yes it would be reasonable you'd look after your own dog without him having to ask you nicely if you'd mind.