DP going on boys trip

[lookingforasolution101]

I'm expecting to be told IU but I really don't think I am.

DP came home the other night, there had been no issues before hand, as soon as he walks through the door he says 'we are going to fall out. I have been asked by A to go with A and B on holiday to X and I'm going'.

I took my DP to X last year for his birthday so he doesn't even want to go there, he is going to ask the friends to change the destination. But the way the message was written by A is 'Me and B are going to X, want to join?' it would be for a friday-sunday (around work) in January.

So it's annoyed me for a few reasons:

1. his approach was rude and very selfish.
2. we have a small puppy together, there seems to be the expectation that I will then just look after her that weekend, there was no 'do you mind because you will look after her and i'll do one weekend when you want to go away'
3. it felt like a kick in the teeth because i've spent ages and thousands of pounds booking this special birthday surprise abroad for his birthday over Christmas period. I take him every year but it's his 30th so more of the costs fall on me as he said he will not contribute this year since he is 30. I tried to get his friends to come along (all have the money to do so) and they said no, as it's Christmas time I understood so then arranged a surprise birthday party for the week after we get back ( a week before he'd be going to X) his friends seem non-committed and it has really called into question how much these friends care about him.
4. we are putting our house on the market and both work full time so viewings can only ever be at the weekend - this means we either write that weekend off (which I think is silly) or I take sole responsibility of ensuring the house is presentable for that time.
5. X is one of the most expensive cities in the world, think half pint of beer £12, it prevented us doing much when we went there last year. I am already contributing more to the next house's deposit as I have more money saved.

For any relevance I'm 24 and have only been in work 2 years but in a very good career. I earn minimally more than him, I am always better with money and all responsibility with arranging things is on my shoulders and I just feel taken advantage of in this situation.

Sorry it's so long, but what do you think should happen, what kind of negotiations?

If he'd asked nicely, my first port of call would have been whether or not these friends would either want to go anywhere other than X because if not, it would be pointless as he wouldn't want to go.

The big bit that stands out to me is him walking through the door and announcing your going to have a fight.
That basically says he knows you won't like it and he couldn't give a shit he's doing what he wants.
The extra stuff is annoying but survivable.

I do agree with pps though and your need to put a lot of financial details in your op does read that you have problems with that as well that you need to discuss with him.

His approach was really rude so YANBU to be upset about that.

Agree with PPs that the issue is uneven contributions to savings etc. He really isn’t unreasonable to be going away for one lads weekend (even if you do have a puppy) but it sounds like you’re resentful because he isn’t pulling his weight on savings. That’s something you should definitely talk about.

@tokyo I wouldn't manage with a child, hence why I don't have one and don't plan on having one.

I agree with 1) Rude fucker.

The rest. Well, not really. I think YABU.

You do both have financial obligations yes, and you need to discuss this big time. You are already resenting him because you are taking on more responsibility than him. And contributing more financially. This issue will not resolve by itself. It will only get worse if you let your resentment fester.

It would appear he was right to approach the issue defensively!!

Your concern shouldn't be this trip. It should be that he appears to constantly dictate to you what you're doing, what he's doing and who is paying.

He told you he's not paying for the Christmas trip because he's 30? He's not going then.

Even if he's not normally this controlling; you're on entirely different pages about how to communicate and how you negotiate life and the responsibilities that it has. That does not bode well. Don't waste your money on paying for trips that he demands. He doesn't appear to be wasting his; or his time.

confessions - that really stood out to me too.

Makes the DP sound like even more of a twat to be honest. What benefit exactly does he bring to your life OP? He's rude, selfish and entitled. What are his good points?

What, so he could have gone if he'd asked you nicely?

You are being way over dramatic. It's one weekend. If someone wants to view the house they can wait until Monday!

You're not married, you've no children, he doesn't go away all the time. He really doesn't need to ask your permission. It sounds like he addressed it in the way he did because he knew you'd kick off.
I'm sure you can cope with a puppy for a weekend and in January it will be more trained.
Not the end of the world to cancel viewings for one weekend surely?
I don't even understand your point 3, it's up to him how he interacts with his friends.

Essentially your "reasons" will mean he can never go away ever ...

I think it perfectly normal for him to go away with his friends. I'd be furious if my husband objected to me from having a weekend away for no good reason.

While it's a mild PITA for you to deal with potential house viewings in your own it's not the end of the world for one weekend.
Same with the puppy.

He seems to have approached this on the defensive though which seems unfair. Although if you are often disagreeing about this kind of thing maybe he knows it's going to annoy you however he says it.

I would think carefully about your future plans though if your not on the same page about this kind of thing. If you plan to have children together he might want to go away and leave you with them for a weekend. Would you be happy with that?

Sorry that took ages to post, and the threads moved on a bit.

It sounds to me as though you want more than him in terms of being a couple. You're putting a lot of effort and commitment in to this relationship - his expensive holiday birthday, the larger share of the house deposit, more care of the puppy etc. I think that you're happy to do this because you believed it was the price you pay for the next level of commitment.

His lack of reciprocity has shed light on this dynamic and that he's not in the same place as you.

His approach of 'I've decided to do something you'll be unhappy about' was just unnecessary. It would bug me because it says 'I assumed you'd be unreasonable so I decided anyway'... it's like the way DD irritates us when, rather than asking us directly for something (and often something we'd be fine with), she starts with 'I know you'll say no/I was hoping to do something, but no, you won't agree...'

The request in itself isn't too big a deal to my mind, but he could have treated you like a reasonable human being and just asked you if it was OK for him to go!

It doesn't sound like either of you like each other. I don't blame you for not liking him, he sounds like a lazy self centred prat. There are LOADS of decent men and women out there and also being on your own is better than being in a relationship that doesn't work.

I don't think the puppy and house viewings are issues at all. You can't expect him to not ever go away for a weekend.

But he could have been politer about it.

I'd say he's fine to go as long as he saves up beforehand so the house savings are untouched.

It’s one weekend. You’re an adult. Why are you freaking out about looking after a puppy by yourself? Would it really be so awful to stay at home with a lovely puppy for a weekend, or are you the sort that needs people around all the time?

Alrhough in your situation no way would I have got a puppy.

Mm I kinda get where you're coming from. Exh was like this. I'd always contribute more to the savings and he'd have more boys' nights outs/trips. I did resent him finding the money for these when they were more elaborate. He'd always say I could reciprocate- knowing that most of our friends had kids for which the woman was primary carer so my nights out would probably involve me home by midnight whereas his were nearly 24 hour benders with two day hangovers tagged on.

Anyway- it didn't change when we had DC and he's now an Exh.

you can't go away because you don't want responsibility for a puppy?! Hope you never have kids OP

OK I feel like i've undergone a therapy session as a few of you hit the nail on the head and made me realise why this upset me.

I do resent him, but not necessarily due to finances, it's the whole pulling your weight thing. I do EVERYTHING and it's exhausting, I'm 24 and feel like I'm living a very adult life when I should be enjoying myself. I do everything and take on the emotional burden of everything especially with the puppy. It's the selfishness of the situations it ends up in - for example, if I work from home he will say 'you could have at least cleaned you've been at home all day doing nothing' - I was working???

Additionally the reason the puppy situation is heightened is because we agreed to get her as his job finishes at 330pm and it meant my mum could look after her for a few hours in the day when I can't work from home. However, without discussing he began freelancing extra hours that mean either we leave the puppy for a ridiculous time, my mum has to give up more of her time (she has commented on it being an issue how he didn't ask her before he did it) or I rush home / delay meetings in order to ensure she is looked after. It's the lack of consideration. He does what he wants and I have to make the logistics worth. This is just another time when i wasn't considered in his plans.

Poor puppy.

Don’t waste your twenties in this guy.

You bought a house together, and you’re not even on the same page financially.

" I'm 24 and feel like I'm living a very adult life when I should be enjoying myself. "

I was just thinking that you're only 24-why be tied to all this shit?

You take him to this place every year?

How long have you known him?

You’re a leg up onto the property ladder, plus a support to his career. That’s what it sounds like.

In your late twenties/early 30s, when he’s 35-40, you’ll break up and he’ll be married to and have a family with someone else within 12-18 months of meeting them.

Don’t be a stepping stone.

This guy is a selfish fucking prick.

Rehome the dog and the "D"P. The dog deserves better and so do you.

Oh and cancel the holiday.