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Original poster

To think he doesn't realise I fancy him?!

79 replies

Trixibelle1983 · 15/11/2018 22:05

There's a guy at work that I really fancy. I've been dropping lots of hints but ge never seems to act on them but never backs off or encourages me to back of either. I think he might be attracted to me but just be totally unaware of my signs. Have you ever met a guy like this who really needs it spelling out and who doesn't pick up on hints? I think I'm being reasonably clear but maybe not. I know that the other glaringly obvious answer is that he's just not that keen...but my 6th sense is telling me he is. I would really appreciate your thoughts please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trixibelle1983 · 16/11/2018 08:26

I'm terrified that he feels nothing DerelictWreck and that I'll ruin our friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trixibelle1983 · 16/11/2018 08:27

Thanks ShatnersWig. How would you feel about my revelation if you didn't feel the same way?

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Original poster
Trixibelle1983 · 16/11/2018 08:28

memaymamo I guess I need to do it in a happy, upbeat way. Not a pouring my heart out way...?

OP posts:
Original poster
Trixibelle1983 · 16/11/2018 08:29

BlueUggs there is a chance that I'm not being obvious enough.

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Original poster
Trixibelle1983 · 16/11/2018 08:30

But woodhill that's what I've been doing for months. And friendly hasn't got me anywhere. Other than very close friends.

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woodhill · 16/11/2018 08:32

Are you both young. Mutual friend to find out for you?

ShatnersWig · 16/11/2018 08:36

It wouldn't change things one bit. Although I would at the same time understand if you wished to back away for a while if you needed some space for a while to adjust feelings.

I have lots of female friends, which may be why I am hopeless with signals. At the same time, I have a female friend who had a male friend admit some feelings for her a year after she'd split with her ex. She hit the roof. Assumed he had only been her friend for years because he fancied her and she cut him off completely. I was really shocked at her reaction and mentioned it and she was venomous "He's ruined the friendship, I can't get over that!" I thought that was very sad.

Laiste · 16/11/2018 08:42

Ruining the friendship is the risk you'll take.

However - it could be argued that the friendship is not quite right as it is (unbalanced) and the situation needs resolving one way or the other.

KumquatQuince · 16/11/2018 08:48

You two sound like you’re made for each other! But also both as hopeless as each other! Have you thought that he might be twice bitten thrice shy too? Or thrice bitten or whatever. Have you got an office party coming up where there might be a few drinks involved and you might get chance to be bolder? Remember faint heart never won fair gentleman!

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/11/2018 08:49

I think laistes idea is a really good one- and her story gave me goosebumps

woodhill · 16/11/2018 08:51

Perhaps he does realise and he's enjoying the attention?

Laiste · 16/11/2018 08:52

Here's an interesting question for you OP:

How would you personally feel if a good friend of yours who you had no interest in in that way suddenly declared their romantic feelings for you? Would you be comfortable being carrying on as just mates when you know how they feel and you'd had to rebuff them?

I'm just asking myself that Q and personally i think i'd be ok in principal but would feel weird from then on and i'm not sure it would ever be the same.

However i believe you should go for it because love is worth the gamble :)

R3b3kah · 16/11/2018 08:52

Maybe your trying too hard, if you slow down with the texting wait and see what he says. See if he questions why you have been quiet and go from there

Laiste · 16/11/2018 08:53

NoFucksImAQueen Blush aw thanks.

MTBMummy · 16/11/2018 08:55

Another one who took the plunge and we've just celebrated living together 15 years, we have 2 DC as well.

One day back when we were just friends, spurred on by a white wine at lunch, I just kissed him, the rest, as they say, is history.

Juells · 16/11/2018 09:10

JudasPrudy
In my experience if a bloke fancies you he will pursue you whether you send him signals or not.

Haha - ^^ this. Years ago I told a friend that someone I really fancied was 'just shy', and that's why he wasn't asking me out. Friend pointed out rather brutally that men are never shy when it comes to something or someone that they fancy.

crochetmonkey74 · 16/11/2018 09:18

Ruining the friendship is the risk you'll take.
However - it could be argued that the friendship is not quite right as it is (unbalanced) and the situation needs resolving one way or the other

I agree with this- it's not really a friendship- it wasn't for me as I knew that I couldn't be a long term friend to him if we weren't together- I would hate watching him move on, meet someone etc

Would you feel brave enough to say something like " This feels like more than friends to me, or am I barking up the wrong tree?"

memaymamo · 16/11/2018 09:37

memaymamo I guess I need to do it in a happy, upbeat way. Not a pouring my heart out way...?

I am not sure.. it could go something like, "listen, I need to get this off my chest. It probably sounds ridiculous but think I have feelings for you."

Then if he says "I'm flattered but not interested" you swear you'll make sure things aren't awkward and it won't change the friendship.

This all reminds me of Pam and Jim from The Office.

l12ngo · 16/11/2018 12:21

I'm really bad at reading signals and usually just assume people some people are more tactile than others.

Worst I've had was actually being in bed with someone before she said oh what the hell and kissed me. To be fair, I've slept alongside several female friends and we are just that, very good mates so it's not entirely unusual. I was delighted but shocked as we'd been friends for a while and I'd never realised she liked me. I was made up and had just assumed she was way out of my league - like miles. She said she'd been giving me signals like linking arms, long talks etc but I link arms with loads of friends - even family, ditto for talks, so it's hardly a sign. I guess it can feel very obvious to yourself when you're flirting but you can't always compensate for the perception of others.

Personally I just find it easier to ask someone if they'd like to go out on a date. It's disappointing when they say no but at least you get to move on and not go through all these mental gymnastics. It also allows for a healthy continuation in your friendship if that's what you still want should they decide they would rather remain friends. I've experience on this from both sides of the fence. Honestly it's probably easier to be the one who's rejected as I felt very sorry for a good friend who asked me out but I didn't fancy. She was a lovely person but there was just nothing there from me and I know she felt hurt but we moved on and still remained good friends until I moved away.

DerelictWreck · 16/11/2018 12:25

I'm terrified that he feels nothing DerelictWreck and that I'll ruin our friendship

But you expect him to be ok taking that risk? If you do both like one another (and admit I find it slim odds) then how is anything ever going to happen if you both refuse to address it? Why should it be his job?

halfwitpicker · 16/11/2018 12:27

Wait until you're in the situation involving a drink. Sit next to him. Do the leg press test and you'll know

ShatnersWig · 16/11/2018 12:35

@halfwitpicker What the hell is the leg press test? Christ, I'm often out with friends and sitting on a long bench seat in some pub and I'll have a female friend either side of me and our legs will be touching because it's packed! Should I pounce on both of them?

Vitalogy · 16/11/2018 12:38

So I'm feeling twice bitten, thrice shy! Or third time lucky!

halfwitpicker · 16/11/2018 12:38

Crikey shatners, you're on to a winner there! How packed is the pub? Or maybe they both fancy you...

The leg press test is where you casually let your leg touch the person you fancy: if they move their leg away, it's game over, if they keep their leg there, well, you're in. And if she puts her hand on your thigh, well, I don't need to explain further!

ShatnersWig · 16/11/2018 12:42

Doubt it, most of them are married @halfwit

A lot of pubs round here have benches rather than seats so it's very often that you're all a bit snug. I think your test is pretty inconclusive unless the hand comes into play, as it were. Legs touching is not sufficient evidence for this court.