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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil threatening to not come to wedding

103 replies

YellowMellow15 · 15/11/2018 12:45

Dp and I have been together 6 years and planning on getting married next year. Its a small thing and we have invited the people we want only instead of inviting every single person out of obligation amd this includes extended family members.
My dp has not invited one of his uncles (his mums brother) for several reason: he hasnt seen or spoke to him in over 10 years and he doesnt like him, any memory of him has been extremely negative and my dp's dad also really dislikes the uncle.
My dp has been told if the uncle isnt invited then mil is not going (theres also the possibilty dp will be cut out of the will if he doesnt)
For comparison i havnt invited one of my uncles for the same reasons and my family have respected my choice with no fall outs.
We do not have a good relationship in the first place with mil (could write a book about that) and we arent bothered if she doesnt come. Obviously dp would like his mum to be there but his dad has said hes going and thats enough. We understand the loyalty she has to her brother and that extends to missing her sons wedding.
Are we being unreasonable for not inviting him?

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 15/11/2018 14:12

I'm so sorry you feel like that mil, I'm sure you'll like the photo's.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/11/2018 14:13

Not unreasonable at all by not inviting Uncle X who hasn't made an effort to see his nephew in donkeys years!

If you don't have a great relationship with your MiL2b, your OH could approach her (only if he really wanted his mother to be there) and deal with it one of two ways (imo).

  1. Your OH would say to his mother "Ok mum. As an adult I will respect your decision not to attend the wedding of your (only) son because Uncle X, who your only son hasn't seen in 10 or more years, who hasn't made any effort to see his nephew isn't being invited. Of course it will be disappointing and your absence will be noted and we wont lie if asked why you're not there"
or
  1. Again, your OH has to say to his mother "Ok, mum. The invitation to attend the wedding of your (only) son next year is still there if you change your mind. Uncle X is still not going to be invited whatever you decide to do. I would hope that as an adult to another, you would respect the decision that we've made in relation to our wedding arrangements. If you could let us know your final decision by Y date that would be great. If we don't hear back from you on this, we'll assume you're not going to show up and there wont be a place set for you at the reception. Don't think about showing up on the day because you'll only end up making a show of yourself and we'll have to ask you to leave"

As others have suggested, if you give in to this, she'll have you over a barrel for things in the future.
Start as you mean to go on!

VaselineHero · 15/11/2018 14:17

I really think if someone says they are going to write you out of their will over something like this then they are going to find any reason to write you out of it!

You can't be held over a barrel with regard to a will, that's just the ultimate manipulation!

Frogscotch7 · 15/11/2018 14:21

I wonder if you are my future sil. Either way my reply would be “That’s your choice”. And continue as planned.

We did not invite a certain uncle to our wedding as he is an alcoholic with form for bad behaviour. Your day, your guest list. Congratulations!

ElectricMonkey · 15/11/2018 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seafoodeatit · 15/11/2018 14:23

YANBU! she can't dictate who you invite to the wedding.

on a side note are you the poster who's weird MIL was showing up all the time to their house when they were working from home? (baby brain so apologies if I'm remembering wrong! )

updownleftrightstart · 15/11/2018 14:24

I know someone like this. But I know from experience it's all empty threats just to try to get you to do what they want.

Call her bluff.

paap1975 · 15/11/2018 14:33

Your wedding, your decision.

Just keep repeating (about the wedding and the will) "Sorry to hear that but we respect your decision" ad nauseam.

She'll probably get the message, eventually!

Lweji · 15/11/2018 14:36

I'd leave the decision to your OH and stay out of it. But she's clearly siding with her brother over her own son. Hmm
If my mother did this to me, she could easily find herself uninvited anyway.
Has she actually threatened with her will or is it something she usually does? Still, any money she may leave him eventually isn't worth bending over backwards for her demands.

MidnightAura · 15/11/2018 14:39

We had this when we got married. We refused to back down. (It wasn’t just one relative, it was several and close friends of theirs we hadn’t met)

We stood our ground. In laws didn’t attend and sadly they destroyed their relationship with their son and daughter in law and we have been NC for years. DH refuses to have anything to do with them because he is disgusted they could put their selfish wants over their son.

We are both sad about that of course but ultimately we don’t regret not caving in. Just be prepared they might actually call your bluff.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/11/2018 14:44

LOL @ElectricMonkey - I had to go back to read what the title of the thread was Grin Grin

ILoveHumanity · 15/11/2018 14:49

I do agree leave this between your husband-to-be and his mum. It might not be the most amazing technique for her to make demands, but he knows her and is used to her and you don’t need to save him from her (unless you think he was being abused in which case suggest Councelling).

He should know how to handle this. And if he knows that the Uncle means a lot to his mother, and if his mother means a lot to him, he won’t die if he invites him.

But if it really makes him sad, then he should also be able to communicate that with his mother

I really don’t think it’s causing a fuss. Most likely the Uncle won’t show up anyway. And even if he did , I doubt he would be there to cause trouble .

I tend to beleive mothers are worth compromising for, since they compromised a lot of their son to grow and he your DH.

Bluetrews25 · 15/11/2018 14:53

'OK, MIL, fair enough. I'll invite my friend Bob in your place tomorrow.'
Be a bit game show mentality 'first answer is the only one I can accept' now and onwards.
You might want to remind her that you could be choosing her nursing home one day

SilverySurfer · 15/11/2018 14:54

ILoveHumanity
Can’t you just invite him for her sake

Why the hell should they?

Please don't do this. Start as you mean to go on - if you are going to give in to every threat it will only escalate.

I agree your DP should tell her 'it's a pity you won't be at my wedding but entirely your choice'

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2018 15:01

Don't even think about giving in to this emotional blackmail. If you do, it will never end.

EdisonLightBulb · 15/11/2018 15:13

Nah, if she doesn't want to come that's up to her. She is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

She won't not come, trust me.

bringbackthestripes · 15/11/2018 15:13

I can’t wait until next year for the wedding update thread about MIL disgraceful behaviour in the run up to your wedding Grin
I love that you aren’t bothered if she doesn’t come. YANBU don’t invite him. FIL will probably have a lovely day without her there.

ILoveHumanity · 15/11/2018 15:38

BlueTrews

—you could remind her that you could be choosing her nursing home one day—

Now that’s what I call blackmail

abacucat · 15/11/2018 15:41

That is a pretty horrible thing to think.
And unless someone has dementia, they should be choosing their own care home with support.

LavenderBush · 15/11/2018 15:55

YANBU.

Your MIL is a twat and luckily your DH and DFIL seem to be well aware of this.

If you give in to this crap then she will be pulling it again and again over every little thing she wants you to do differently.

And as for the disinheriting threat... forget it. She will just as likely disinherit you for something else, or just on a random whim. And in these days of care home fees etc I don't believe any inheritance can be counted on anyway. Even if it could... which is worth more: an inheritance, or 30 years of not being dictated to by a batshit MIL?

Bluetrews25 · 15/11/2018 16:13

ILoveHumanity
That's why I crossed it out! Is it worse blackmail than 'I won't come if you don't invite who I demand' or 'I will disinherit you if you don't do what I say'?
Or is MIL the only one allowed to blackmail here? Confused Hmm

DerRosenkavelier · 15/11/2018 16:16

Of course you should not cave. However, be on the look out for sudden mysterious illnesses your MIL may develop. They won’t be anything that can be diagnosed, or that you can speak to her doctor about, but they will be eased by you letting the uncle attend the wedding.

LavenderBush · 15/11/2018 16:44

DerRosenkavelier GrinGrinGrin yes!!

MIL will be terribly (though unverifiably) ill and it will all be your fault.

It's the dreadful stress of not being given control over someone else's wedding. Nobody should have to live through that [DailyMailSadFace]

KurriKurri · 15/11/2018 17:26

I always find that the best way to deal with emotionally blackmailling 'If X doesn't happen they I wont come ...' flouncers is to call them out on it.
'Sorry you feel that way MIL, we'll miss seeing you on the day, but Uncle Horrid is not invited'

junebirthdaygirl · 15/11/2018 17:48

I don't think you should leave out one uncle over another. Its either all or nothing as its just trouble making. Also you should have no say only your dp as its his side.
If his dfs family is all coming so should his dms.
Obviously she is being o erdramatic but l hate people causing so much trouble over two invitations( uncle plus wife) . Stop the silly fighting and invite him. Why bring your day down over something so trivial.