Mil threatening to not come to wedding

[YellowMellow15]

Dp and I have been together 6 years and planning on getting married next year. Its a small thing and we have invited the people we want only instead of inviting every single person out of obligation amd this includes extended family members.
My dp has not invited one of his uncles (his mums brother) for several reason: he hasnt seen or spoke to him in over 10 years and he doesnt like him, any memory of him has been extremely negative and my dp's dad also really dislikes the uncle.
My dp has been told if the uncle isnt invited then mil is not going (theres also the possibilty dp will be cut out of the will if he doesnt)
For comparison i havnt invited one of my uncles for the same reasons and my family have respected my choice with no fall outs.
We do not have a good relationship in the first place with mil (could write a book about that) and we arent bothered if she doesnt come. Obviously dp would like his mum to be there but his dad has said hes going and thats enough. We understand the loyalty she has to her brother and that extends to missing her sons wedding.
Are we being unreasonable for not inviting him?

Leave her to.it. I bet she changes her mind and comes but if she doesn't - her loss.

Don't give in. If you do you're going to set a precedent and she'll pull this kind of threat every time you do something she doesn't like

If she wants to cut off her nose to spite her face let her

YANBU - you should invite the people you want to be there.
I refused to invite one of my mum's relatives because she was a grade A bitch and had made my mum's life very difficult - Mum didn't want to be seen to be the bad guy, so I made the decision that the wedding invitations would come from us, not my parents (we paid for it anyway, so made sense). Mum still wanted me to invite her but I refused.
So glad I did!

You’ll never miss what you never had if he gets cut from the will. But if the uncle attends you will always remember him being there

DH did not get invited to nephews wedding. Only uncle or aunt not to be. It did hurt him TBH. And DH is quiet, not one to cause issues at all.

We had 6 aunts and uncles at our very small wedding that we didn't want to invite. They are lovely people and caused no problems but we both wish we'd said no.

YANBU

Did you not consider eloping?

We got pressured in to inviting DHs uncle. He never sees him and we said we didn’t want to invite him because he would accept the invite and then pull out on the day. MIL was insistent she wouldn’t let this happen and kept on and on so we eventually invited him to keep the peace.

He didn’t show up. Our fault we shouldn’t have given in. Invite who you want - she’s the one that will look petty if she doesn’t show on the day.

YANBU.

Your wedding, your day, your way.

Stay out of it, OP, let your dp tell her and deal with her.

but my line would be "I'm so sorry you don't feel able to come to your own son's wedding, I expect uncle would actually rather you went than stay away simply for someone who hasn't seen the groom for over 10 years. Your loyalty should be to your son but that is your choice, we can't make you come!" But as I say, stay out of it and have a FABULOUS day.

Stick to your guns, ball's in her court now.

If she doesn’t like it - tough shit. It’s not her wedding. You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to. I bowed to pressure and invited a load of distant, unpleasant relatives to my wedding - I’ve never spoken to them since and now I wish I hadnt. Don’t pander to this ridiculous behaviour, or you’re setting yourself up for a lot of problems further down the line.

do you know who is going to regret her chucking her toys out the pram? she will.you still going to have your lovely weddding with people you love and care for and she will regret this.

Cigarettessuffragettesandboys On the plus side, you can use this to answer MIL if she tries to pull this kind of stunt again.

Do not invite him. Your wedding, invite who you want.

We did something similar a looooong time ago for our own wedding. We didn't invite aunts/uncles. I had never met them, Dh had never met mine. No-one had a close family relationship.

Instead we invited our friends who we wanted to be with us on the day. 30 guests, it was bliss.

If she chooses not to come that is her call, she doesn't get to dictate who comes to your wedding.

If you give in this time in order to keep DH in the will, then next time MIL wants something she knows exactly how to get it.

Your DP needs to stand up to her now otherwise she'll pull this shit every single time something doesn't go her way.

Same thing happened in my family; MIL won and was deferred to but she still wrote them out of her will.

We had some shit stirring in the run up to our wedding and it led to some interesting conversations.

We rescinded the invitation to the maid of honour.
DH and I considered cancelling the whole thing and doing something else and decided that we were prepared to do this if pushed however hard it might be. As it turned out the shit stirrer was far more concerned with how they would look in the whole thing and us cancelling would have impacted them far more than us (in their eyes) so capitulated!

Personally, I would decide between yourself and DP what you are prepared to do and present that to MIL. If she chooses not to come then that is her loss and for her to accept the consequences.

Feel sorry for your DPs father! Sounds like you will have a better day without her.

She has a right to feel upset that her brother isn't invited, but that's her problem. She has no right to dictate who comes or not, unless she is footing the bill!

I would try to keep it "fair" either invite aunts and uncles or not. But no, I would not pick and choose which to invite. That is me of course. If you want to pick and choose then you are entitled to do so, but you also need to live with the consequences of doing so.

My mil wasn't even invited to ours!!
I can truly recommend a mil - free wedding!!

I just wouldn't panda to her . Honestly, life truly is too short. In 5 years from now what will truly matter - that you are married and settled and happy, or that your mother-in-law has been appeased and will no doubt have moved on to controlling you in other ways?

The older I get, the less I can be bothered with people and their games. I couldn't care less if you are my mother or my grandmother - start acting up and aiming to stress me with your carping and power games and you'll find that I just remove myself from the game. Not interested.

Your MIL needs to sit herself down and shut up and remember that it's not her wedding

Anyway do as you please, OP. After all everyone else does

The bog standard answer the threats like that is simple "Oh that's a pity, you'll miss a great day". It's all empty threats and tantrums to her her way, don't pander, don't act bothered and move along the conversation, she'll back track. If she doesn't then simply say "You're not going so I'm not sure why you are bothered?"

@Dontgiveaminkeys1350 we are considering Gretna Green can I ask what you thought of the experience? As we don’t want a huge fussy wedding

What culture is she ?

Can’t you just invite him for her sake

We did not invite anybody we didn't want there. Our day our decisions. Instead of relatives we didn't like, we let MIL invite her best friends, which we did like.