Being bullied as a mature student

[ihateit]

Hi all,

This is going to sound ridiculous coming from a 30 year old woman but I'm being what I would class a bullied at university. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm a mature student on a course with 90% mature.

I have been doing it for some time because I have taken breaks to have and raise my 4 children.

I rejoined a new cohort this year after over a year out. I knew I would be the new girl but I thought that due to the nature of the degree and because the majority of people are mature it would be fine and easy to build relationships.

In the beginning loads of people were kind and I felt welcome. I put myself out there and it paid off.

Now though for some reason some of the women have been alienating me from the group. To make matters worse we are doing a class project with a shared grade.
Some of the issues are;
I tried talking about my kids and other stuff that the other people were talking about during break but no one would talk to me and at one point they actually got up and walked away.
I went to the coffee shop with a few of the girls and they told me they were going to the loo and to wait there, so I got us a table, I waited and waited and eventually watched them grab coffee and walk away. They got a table outside. They knew I was waiting. They could see me sat there.
One person in particular was rolling her eyes when I was asking for clarification on a topic and said in a very harsh tone that I should read the books, I had but I didn't get a point.
They created a group for a presentation and deleted all my work and would not take on board my input or suggestions and two girls did my part of the presentation and wouldn't allow me to contribute. They must have been having private chats or meetings and not inviting me as I could not keep up and they did and talked about things I had no clue we had agreed or discussed.
They eat lunch together in the canteen but I ask to join and it's always "sorry no room" or they pretend to not see me sat alone.

Reading that back I can see how petty and childish that all sounds and I'm a grown up woman and a professional so I just need to get on with it and not let it bother me but for some reason it does. I can handle most things and I'm pretty laid back but I feel fed up.
I don't feel able to go to my tutor being so petty at my age and plus I can just ignore it for the short time I have left.

I haven't told anyone irl about this, including my dh, it's not that bad but I do dread university now and I spend many hours a week there isolated and it's hard to ignore.

Never thought I'd be going through this after high school.
Aibu to let this get to me and to have a secret cry about this

It's a real shock to encounter bullying as an adult. I can sympathise, OP, as I had a tiny taste of it, in circumstances that weren't as crucial as your course. It took me a while to realise what was happening, at first I thought it was all accidental. I paid (a lot!) for a printing course and realised fairly quickly that the main teacher on the course didn't think much of my work. He was being an arse, when he went through my prints his nose would wrinkle with disdain and he'd criticise the fact that the words I was using were readable, rather than being 'gestural marks'. At lunch he'd make sure I was last to the table, and he'd place himself between me and everyone else with his back turned to me so I couldn't join the conversation.

I don't know what bee he had in his bonnet about me - it may have been that I was a woman with children, but for whatever reason he looked down his nose at me, and made sure everyone else did too. It got to the 'I don't need this shit in my life' stage, and I abandoned the course. A couple of months later I was short-listed for something to do with the work he'd despised, and there was a little feature about it in one of the Sunday papers. First thing Monday morning I got an arse-licking phone call from him to say there'd be a new course starting soon, I could have a special rate as I hadn't finished the first course. I just said No and put the phone down, no politeness.

I still get mad when I think about it, because like what the OP is going through, bullying really impacts on your self-confidence. And it's absolutely intended to as well. I had the option to walk away, which the OP doesn't have, so I think she should go higher up and try to get moved. Or the rest of the group need to be told that their treatment of her will impact on their own results. If they're supposedly learning about working as a team, it reflects very badly on them that they take part in bullying one member of the team. That's the approach I'd take when trying to resolve this.

This is bullying. If people did this in my workplace they would be heavily reprimanded and potentially fired. Don't think you need to put up with it just because you are not a young student.

OP you said that the course is not nursing but similar/related. If this means that the course is linked to an occupation or profession, especially if that involves working with people who may be vulnerable in some way, you perhaps should report this bullying. It is horrible and unfair for you to be treated this way and you shouldn't have to put up with it. It would be potentially dangerous and damaging if these people behaved like that in a professional/occupational setting.

If they have some issue with you they should behave like reasonable adults and speak with you about it. It sounds though as if they have just closed the doors on their nasty little clique. Easy to say that you are better off without them but it must be very unpleasant and upsetting to have to deal with this.

if that involves working with people who may be vulnerable in some way, you perhaps should report this bullying.

meercat23 makes really good points. Turn this situation on its head, and they're the ones who will potentially suffer from how they're treating you. You could point that out to them, or just ignore them and take your grievance up the ladder.

I did a counselling degree where everyone was a mature student (average age 40s) and mostly women. Oh my god I have never seen such bitchiness in some of the groups. Everyone trying to take control, fighting to be 'heard', sending PA emails and whispering about each other. Fortunately my group was quite relaxed but even then things could flare up unexpectedly!

I dealt with it by staying well it of it where possible and focusing on the work and grades I needed. I would speak up in a group setting though if they are excluding your work, as you are relying on them to get you a good grade!

Oh and i would also go to a tutor. It's not fair if it's potentially going to impact your grades.

I am a mature student now, a fair bit older than you and the rest of my cohort are significantly younger than me. So I know not an identical situation. Still, I know I am not one of them, so I don't try to fit in with them, befriend them, I don't seek them out for lunch or coffee. I know that they socialise together and I am not invited.

It works, they are always pleasant to me and welcoming to me when we have group work. I wonder if you should take a step back and accept that for whatever reason, these people are not likely to turn into life long friends and maybe try to see it as a professional / co-worker type of relationship. For your own sanity as much as anything else.

Wow, they sound like complete c-u-next-Tuesdays.

I agree with the poster above who suggested keeping a record of all the negative interactions that you have with them. If you are put in the same group for group work could you maybe request to be transferred to another group? and apart from that if I were you I definitely would not try to talk to them/socialise with them.

wow, can't believe that kind of behaviour. Is there another group you could try and join with/speak to instead?

I'm a student harassment advisor at a uni. Is there anyone similar where you are studying who you can speak to?

Do report this behaviour, OP. Likely there is some kind of student charter at your university which has an anti-bullying clause. These women are now in breach of this.

Just because this is a university and not a school or workplace doesn't mean that bad behaviour that is affecting your studies and future job prospects should be ignored.

I think you do need to report this, as this may affect your grade.

Not a bullying issue, but we once had a really important group presentation at university worth 50% of the final grade, and one of the girls texted us in the morning she would not be coming (which was due to her not having prepared much, as she was always 'ill' or conveniently forgot we were meant to meet up to go over our findings, etc), and she was doing the opening and one really important part. We didn't expect to get a better grade just because of a last minute no-show, but we did tell the tutor hoping we would at least not get too penalised if we ended up missing some important info that was meant to be in her bit. And the tutor did appreciate being aware of the situation. It;s your education outcome that can be at stake to some degree, so I think it would be good if this was called out.

Feature on bullying on Jeremy Vine show Radio 2 now.

I really think you should speak with a student advisor or similar. This behaviour is totally unacceptable and needs to be tackled at official level.

wow 30 yr old women acting like that how sad
dont let it put you off your course op, i would just do my own thing it seems they get a pleasure out of being dicks

reporting it is not unnecessary and i think will cause more issues, what is she going to say?
They wont sit with me at lunch? fact is they don't have to.

Aww op, I’m sorry it is awful :(. I worked in the NHS as a healthcare assistant and was bullied by some of the older women. It seems to happen a lot in professions where there is a lot of women unfortunately.
It sounds like you are doing really well so stick in and try to tell a tutor or pastoral staff X

Op, when you report it, I think you need to separate the two issues, otherwise the response may be similar to *selepel's.
*
One is the sitting at lunch thing. It's not particularly nice, it's a bitchy thing to do, but ultimately there are coping strategies which people on the thread have suggested such as going for a walk, to the library or reading a book.

The second, and serious issue is that of them excluding you from the group project, not taking your views on board and deleting your work. They are directly impacting on your grades.

IMO you need to report the second issue, but include the first by way of context. Explain whilst not pleasant, you don't really care about the first issue, but with the second that have crossed a line. Hope that makes sense.

Hi Op have you spoken to anyone about this yet? Hopefully you are getting some support.

Honestly I have been there and understand how bad it hurts! Your feel a bit like a child. Just let them go, try and make new friends on the course or just try and enjoy your own company. The most worrying thing is your uni work. If they try this again go to your lecture as it is a big problom. Have a work with student service they might be able to give you some advice