Being bullied as a mature student

[ihateit]

Hi all,

This is going to sound ridiculous coming from a 30 year old woman but I'm being what I would class a bullied at university. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm a mature student on a course with 90% mature.

I have been doing it for some time because I have taken breaks to have and raise my 4 children.

I rejoined a new cohort this year after over a year out. I knew I would be the new girl but I thought that due to the nature of the degree and because the majority of people are mature it would be fine and easy to build relationships.

In the beginning loads of people were kind and I felt welcome. I put myself out there and it paid off.

Now though for some reason some of the women have been alienating me from the group. To make matters worse we are doing a class project with a shared grade.
Some of the issues are;
I tried talking about my kids and other stuff that the other people were talking about during break but no one would talk to me and at one point they actually got up and walked away.
I went to the coffee shop with a few of the girls and they told me they were going to the loo and to wait there, so I got us a table, I waited and waited and eventually watched them grab coffee and walk away. They got a table outside. They knew I was waiting. They could see me sat there.
One person in particular was rolling her eyes when I was asking for clarification on a topic and said in a very harsh tone that I should read the books, I had but I didn't get a point.
They created a group for a presentation and deleted all my work and would not take on board my input or suggestions and two girls did my part of the presentation and wouldn't allow me to contribute. They must have been having private chats or meetings and not inviting me as I could not keep up and they did and talked about things I had no clue we had agreed or discussed.
They eat lunch together in the canteen but I ask to join and it's always "sorry no room" or they pretend to not see me sat alone.

Reading that back I can see how petty and childish that all sounds and I'm a grown up woman and a professional so I just need to get on with it and not let it bother me but for some reason it does. I can handle most things and I'm pretty laid back but I feel fed up.
I don't feel able to go to my tutor being so petty at my age and plus I can just ignore it for the short time I have left.

I haven't told anyone irl about this, including my dh, it's not that bad but I do dread university now and I spend many hours a week there isolated and it's hard to ignore.

Never thought I'd be going through this after high school.
Aibu to let this get to me and to have a secret cry about this

That is really horrible. I am sorry you are having to go through this. What nasty people.

I agree with PP, that's not petty at all, that's really awful of them and that sort of thing can really affect you. Nothing but sympathy for you here.

Sorry OP this sounds horrible. I really think you should tell your husband just because you are upset and he will want to know to comfort you I think. Don't bottle it up xxx

Speak to your module leader that's assigned the group project and cc your personal tutor.

Something similar happened to me with my first degree and I was allowed to do a project on my own at a smaller scale

I feel like I could have written your post. I never had any real problems at school or my first time at Uni. I went back at 27 to do my PGCE and had a horrendous time because of the other women on the course. I thought because it was a teaching degree, all the other students would be kind and inclusive (every teacher I had met up until that point had been a lovely human being). I would cry everyday before Uni and lost confidence in myself, wondering what was wrong with me. They'd bitch about me in ear shot and purposely exclude me. I hated every moment of it. On the plus side, because I had no friends and spent all my lunches in the library, I ended up with great grades. I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to let you know that you will get through this and become a stronger person because of it. Please remember their behaviour it is not a reflection on you but on them.

I experienced this on a training course. We were supposed to check over each others work to understand the marking scheme - the marks were for practise test papers so it didn't matter about the marks the person was given - they'd just have a rough idea where they lost points.

The person whose paper I marked disagreed with the score I gave. The original marker had totalled it incorrectly and not given the points out properly. The whole exercise was abandoned as it was causing too much friction.

The person whose paper I marked, her friend who marked it originally and their other friend all virtually ignored me and wouldn't work with me again. The course tutor had a word with me but I just felt it best to leave it. There are some really unpleasant people about.

Aw OP so sorry this is happening to you, totally unacceptable. I felt like that at uni, the course side not the halls/social side, stuck it out, worked with one guy who was also a loner but we coped together, one project with two girls which went OK and one project where I was ignored most of the time but given one job to do, did it, got the grades...no-one ever deleted my work or took credit for it though. They sound like utter bastards.
Do not let them grind you down. It does not relect on you. If your grades are in jeopardy at any point though, as others have said, do see your tutor. You shouldn't have to put up with shit.

You do have to do something about this op. 7 months is too long.

For some reason, bullying can take people down in record time. What you describe is very obvious bullying and therefore you have a few very good examples to present to the relevant personnel when you flag this up. If the bullies' vileness is actively affecting your grades then you must report the bullying.

It is classic that victims of bullying feel embarrassed and ashamed, as you do. It is not you who should be embarrassed and ashamed! It is not you who is behaving in a revolting way.

Bullying happens anywhere there are humans, irrespective of age.

Acornriver unfortunately from what I’ve seen and read it’s people like the ones who are treating the OP badly are the ones that excel in clinical placement settings whilst training as they fit in with the bullying culture, and are successful once qualified within the profession as it’s more often than not a bullying culture.

People who have compassion and are genuinely nice people are treated horribly, due to the culture of the NHS and further education establishments know that bullying happens but seem to sweep it under the carpet and blame the victim.

Have you confronted them at all? I couldn’t keep silent. Most of the time bullies stop when confronted openly.

The incident about the reading:

‘I did do the reading and I’m asking for clarification. If I knew everything then I wouldn’t be studying. Why are you being so unpleasant?’

After that coffee thing?

‘I know you left me at the coffee shop on purpose. I was just trying to be pleasant but I see you’re immature and not worth my time.’

You don’t have to be as direct as that but I think it helps let them know you aren’t a walkover.

Tell the lecturer, tell your tutor. Confront it every time.

This is awful. Reading your post is painful as I can feel your distress. No decent person would behave like this towards another human being. You need to see your Personal Tutor as how can you do a joint piece of work with this going on. I was a mature student and had time off but I found two others that I got on with. The university has to support you and listen to your concerns. This is not a reflection of you. Hang on in there and remember you are able to do this.

You are not being petty. Their treatment of you is disgusting and I truly feel for you. Your post has really upset me. I have finally removed my 14 year old daughter from high school to home school due to horrific bullying. I keep telling her she will be fine and people eventually grow up and stop behaving like this. I feel so sad that this is not always the case. Some people remain horrible bastards. It's totally depressing. OP, remember you are worth ten of them. I don't send hugs but I'm sending you a huge one.

That’s horrible. The clique is one thing, but I would encourage you to speak to your tutor about the work as you’re not able to fulfil your requirements.

As you’ve said you are all mature students and his reflects so much on them, than you. Karma.

You're approaching this wrong OP and you will suffer more for it.

Clicked post too soon.
You need to see your tutor and the hod asap.
Also is there not a student well-being advisor?
You should contact them all today.
I would shout this from the rooftops if I were you.

It's not petty; it's horrible. Remember it says nothing about you but a lot about them. I wouldn't want to be friends with such nasty characters but I understand that you may be limited with choice. As a grown woman I gave been bullied in the work place and whilst I was older etc the feelings were the same. Take care of yourself - in the long run you will gain your degree and move on and be happy - I'm not so confident that they will find happiness.

I would bring it up to my tutor. They are behaving like a bunch of bitchy teenagers. You are being the adult and trying to form a working relationship with them and they are being unprofessional. I would take an audiobook in with me for breaks, hold my head up high and ignore them.

I’ve been there myself. Except when it happened to me the tutors were awful too. My reaction was not to socialise with them at all. I made sure I had some good books with me at all times. I’m sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately university seems to bring out the worst in many people xx

I'm so sorry: these women sound utterly ghastly.
In my workplace this sort of behaviour - if reported - would trigger an investigation and possible disciplinary action. It is serious. Given that the university is requiring group work and is issuing a shared mark for it, then I would certainly report those whose behaviour prevents you from participating.
I am sorry . I would feel utterly demoralised too by such behaviour. They must be really, really unhappy people to behave like this.

Just echoing other PPs’ advice that you must make your lecturer/tutor/course convenor aware of what’s going on with your assignment group. They will want to be made aware of any issues in group working practices which could affect the assignment grading down the track. They will be able to help advise on strategies you can use to ensure your work is acknowledged and incorporated, and to help you to study effectively (and also to clarify concepts or points that you don’t feel you have fully understood).

From the other side of the desk, I find it endlessly frustrating when students who are struggling don’t come to speak to me or my colleagues. Too often, it won’t be until after the final grades have been distributed that a student will reveal significant information which has caused them problems and clearly impacted on their assessments - by which point, it’s far too late to do anything about their grade and, more importantly, their learning! So I would strongly encourage you to speak to your lecturer about the academic implications of the unpleasant treatment you’re receiving from this unfriendly group.

As someone who works in Student Services at a university, I can confirm bullying in this form is not uncommon with mature students.

I would advise AGAINST initially approaching your tutor about this as they oftenvhavent got the skills, knowledge or power to do anything about it.

I would approach your faculty or course helpdesk and make an appointment with your student support officer. They can advise on the best support options, and have the power to actually do something about this.

Group work is done as an assessment at university as it's part of real life. We all have to work on projects with difficult people , andthis is supposed to get you thinking of how you can overcome barriers that prevent succesful project work.

You will get support with this from the university, please raise it, you are not in the wrong.

I agree with going to the student support/guild as a starting point, there are also Harassment/Bullying officers at my work, and I'd go to both of them and decide how to approach the course tutor and module leader with a view to changing the situation.

You can't ignore if they are deleting your work! Please get support and tell your husband too for moral support.

My son is 8 years old and has already worked out group work is hateful. I agreed with him.

As others have said - who needs friends/acquaintances like these? Try and turn it around like hoovering did. Instead of "I'm eating lunch on my own again and those fuckers are over there laughing at each other's jokes", let it be "right ten minutes for my sarnies then lucky me I can crack on with this essay in the library in blissful p&q". Or "oooh I've got time for a quick whiz around m&s".

You said you've got 7 months left. Now I've never heard of a course which tapers off to the easy stuff at the end. So presumably it's all going to ramp up. Instead of listening to someone's dull-arse stories about their dull-arse kids, you are owning this. It must be hard to get p&q at home with 4 kids - bless you!

Fwiw my next door neighbour is a student. She's in the clique. She's also failed her most important module and had to change course... And is ALWAYS late with every single piece of work because she gabs rather than works.

In the past I would have said ignore it but for 3 years I was horrendously bullied by a small team I worked in. Bullying needs nipping in the bud before these people get jobs. Bullying is rife in nursing and one of many reasons I want out.