Being bullied as a mature student

[ihateit]

Hi all,

This is going to sound ridiculous coming from a 30 year old woman but I'm being what I would class a bullied at university. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm a mature student on a course with 90% mature.

I have been doing it for some time because I have taken breaks to have and raise my 4 children.

I rejoined a new cohort this year after over a year out. I knew I would be the new girl but I thought that due to the nature of the degree and because the majority of people are mature it would be fine and easy to build relationships.

In the beginning loads of people were kind and I felt welcome. I put myself out there and it paid off.

Now though for some reason some of the women have been alienating me from the group. To make matters worse we are doing a class project with a shared grade.
Some of the issues are;
I tried talking about my kids and other stuff that the other people were talking about during break but no one would talk to me and at one point they actually got up and walked away.
I went to the coffee shop with a few of the girls and they told me they were going to the loo and to wait there, so I got us a table, I waited and waited and eventually watched them grab coffee and walk away. They got a table outside. They knew I was waiting. They could see me sat there.
One person in particular was rolling her eyes when I was asking for clarification on a topic and said in a very harsh tone that I should read the books, I had but I didn't get a point.
They created a group for a presentation and deleted all my work and would not take on board my input or suggestions and two girls did my part of the presentation and wouldn't allow me to contribute. They must have been having private chats or meetings and not inviting me as I could not keep up and they did and talked about things I had no clue we had agreed or discussed.
They eat lunch together in the canteen but I ask to join and it's always "sorry no room" or they pretend to not see me sat alone.

Reading that back I can see how petty and childish that all sounds and I'm a grown up woman and a professional so I just need to get on with it and not let it bother me but for some reason it does. I can handle most things and I'm pretty laid back but I feel fed up.
I don't feel able to go to my tutor being so petty at my age and plus I can just ignore it for the short time I have left.

I haven't told anyone irl about this, including my dh, it's not that bad but I do dread university now and I spend many hours a week there isolated and it's hard to ignore.

Never thought I'd be going through this after high school.
Aibu to let this get to me and to have a secret cry about this

Not nursing but very close addictedtoskittles

Seven months is a long time I’d really strongly advocate switching to a different group - talk with tutors and admin.

OP, definitely not silly or petty . They sound horrible and childish. I would either talk to a tutor or to one of them: if you confront them in a very mature way, emphasising that you're only worried about your degree and not at all about wanting to be friends with them, they may just wake up to themselves.
Glad you're feeling a bit better.

Speak to your tutor, deleting your work is not petty. They should take that seriously.

That sounds awful, OP. I'm so sorry. I work in a university and would hate to think of one of my students feeling like this and being treated like this. Do you have a personal tutor and do you feel able to approach him/her? That's precisely one of the issues that personal tutors should be able to help you with. Otherwise I would try and raise this with a lecturer whom you trust.
So depressing when you have to deal with this level of twattery from people who are old enough to know better.

There may be someone in another group who wants to switch?

Also they have a pastoral duty of care once notified - even if the first contact isn’t great or doesn’t achieve the outcome you want (as in you may get some guff about “personality clashes” - designed yo victim shame - when it’s straight out shitty bullying) you are clear that this is affecting your mental health and well-being they have a duty to take appropriate action? All in writing, bring a friend etc

What a nasty bunch. Mean girls exist in every walk of life. Excluding someone deliberately is childish and unpleasant. Rise above it if you can, but if it is affecting your studies, then talk to your tutor. It's unacceptable behaviour.

How vile! I'm sorry OP. I don't understand that behaviour at all. Please don't let them get away with it!

I had similar experiences during my access course and my degree, when I was older than you are! I guess some females just never grow out of being horrible bitches.

I just ignored them, I wasn’t there to make friends, I was there to learn stuff. I have plenty of friends already, so it really wasn’t any skin off my nose. I’d only go in for my lectures and if I had a big break I’d go into town or walk my dog if he was in the car. I just knuckled down and got on with it. I ended up getting a first.

As someone who is a mature student and has worked in HE (both with the Union and in student services), I'm sad to say that this isn't uncommon. This is one of the main reasons that I'm a firm advocate against group projects having any sort of major impact towards a student's marks. Cliques do not end with high school. They only learn to be subtle (most of the time).

So, some general tips.

-Document ALL communications: if something happens verbally or in person, make a note of it with the date/time, etc.

-There are some key people you should contact, even if just to ask advice it will make them aware of the problem if they haven't already noticed (the good ones do, trust me)
-Lecturer
-Tutor
-Module Leader
-Course Director
-Student office/support
-Student Union

In the best case scenario, your lecturer will be able to nip the problem in the bud or simply allocate you to a new group. You say it's too late to switch but you should notify them regardless. You WANT that documented. If you do not inform them and your groupmates screw you out of a mark by claiming you did nothing while purposely excluding you, you will have nothing to go on. In doing this you've created documentation of bullying/potential discrimination and will be able to show that you have done your due diligence in trying to improve this situation.

Bullying doesn't stop at 18 or change just because adults do it. It just has a nasty habit of treading a little closer to harassment/discrimination/etc when adults do it.

Speak to your tutor and get help re how to work out the shared grade thing.

Can your tutor have a word with the ring leader, if there is one?

Is there one person in the group who is less unfriendly? If so, can you talk to them and find out what is going on?

Is there one person who is worse than the others and if so why might they 'have it in for you'.

There are two schools of thought here, maybe not to show how much this affects you etc. If you were in school I might go for this option. But as a mature adult I think I would want the ring leader to know how their behaviour was affecting you.

If this is not resolved I would look into switching university to continue your course if you need to. Because life is too short and before if you do this, before you do it, I would make those people aware of how much they have affected you by their fucking unpleasant behaviour.

I know it’s difficult but try to rise above it and go off campus at dinner time if you can, or grab some dinner and go to the library.

If it’s the course I think it might be, won’t you be mostly on placement and not in uni?

Hi OP, I agree with the PP this is not silly at all, I can just imagine how awful you must feel at the thought of going there I don’t understand how anybody can physically do this or allow this to happen - what horrible ‘people’ they are.

I do hope you get some resolution as 7 months is a long time (I certainly couldn’t do it) & tbh I don’t think they deserve to get away with their appalling behaviour. Nobody deserves how you are being treated at all, sending hugs 💜

I’m sorry but you are right. You really do have to grow up. They clearly don’t want to be friends with you so stop bugging them. Go find someone else or spend your time doing extra reading. You aren’t obliged to be friends with the people on your uni course.

I do hope you are able to sort this op. What a horrible lot! If it will have any impact on your work then I think you will have to get the tutor involved. |If not, try not to let it get to you too much and take in your ipad or kindle os previously mentioned. Good Luck.

Search yourself from their behaviour. It's all about you. My mantra is If I make friends in the workplace/ place of study that's a bonus. If I don't that doesn't stop me from learning and furthering myself.

Racecardriver

"You aren’t obliged to be friends with the people on your uni course."

She is required to work alongside them. This is not a 'buddy' situation.

"To make matters worse we are doing a class project with a shared grade."

This is like your colleagues alienating you and making it harder to do your job. It's not a situation where 'growing up' makes it better!

They sound horrible. That would not go unnoticed even by the most resilient people.

I had a bully at work recently. She was so subtle. It was all about ghosting me. She was too clever to do or say anything mean. But she froze me out and edged me out of a group. It is awful!! I feel strong and it rankled. My regina george identifies with being a lovely charming person. Ha.

What a spiteful post @Racecardriver

Sounds aweful!

During uni days most people spent most of the evening working on projects and not within studying hours, which meant that people like me (caring for younger siblings) couldn’t spend as much time with them.

I got my contributions deleted. I felt alienated. I was treated like an alien.

Looking back now, I rule it as to do with how I didn’t have the same lifestyle as them and so that’s exactly why I couldn’t fit in.

I think speak to your tutor. Tell her that “the clash in working and project hours due to your lifestyle differences is having an impact on hour project work and education”. See if she can accommodate that as it should be there job.

Girls when they form groups they would’ve gossiped a lot about whatever. It’s the way for some to bond. PErhaos they shared secrets in your absence and now you being there at lunch breaks means they can’t talk.

So basically.. don’t take it personal. They’re just being children

This is awful OP. Does your university offer any pastoral care? I worked until recently as student support at a university and I had an additional role as Harassment Advisor, offering support and advice to anyone suffering harassment, marginalisation or discrimination (in reality it was largely staff who used our services!). If they do then please contact them to discuss this matter. If not, then perhaps speak to your personal tutor. It's easy to say just ignore it, but the reality is so much harder .

OP please speak to your tutor - if there’s any peer marking or if your work is not acknowledged it could impact on your grade

@Racecardriver

Well aren’t you a delight?

Very unhelpful, stupid response would love to see anyone try and complete project work with a group of people who meet up behind your back and steal your parts of the project. It’s okay though, you just need to suck it up and grow up - why doesn’t OP just continue reading while they do her parts for her.....

Definitely report.