Husband issue

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

Looking for answers I guess. I am a SAHM. Dh earns a high salary and as a result of his position works long hours and travels around the country.
I'm frustrated because just occasionally it would be nice if he was around a bit more/home earlier. When there's event's on at dc school he usually doesn't go because he sees it as well I'm there to go so he doesn't need to be and will watch a recording of it instead.
Obviously he can't attend all these events I appreciate that but he's just always busy.
I'm tearing my hair out with the dc after school sometimes and he's just not around. He'll be late home then out again early the next day. I've tried talking to him but it's pointless because he is just very focused on his career and earning the money. Not sure what I'm asking for really just need a rant.

[Seeingadistance]

Would you go back to work so he could take a position that doesn't involve so much travel?

This.

To be honest, it seems a bit much that you are able to stay at home and rely on his earnings, then complain about the consequences of that reliance. Many parents aren't able to attend children's events, and if one is able to attend, then that seems fair enough.

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

I appreciate the responses. Some of the comments fair enough. I'd be happy for him to earn less tbh and be around more but he doesn't want to change things. It is what it is and yes it allows me the luxury of being able to choose to stay at home.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I think you need to discuss with him how you feel and offer a solution. Could he afford to drop his salary and still get by, or would you have to get a job too? He might not want to of course, which is another matter entirely, and you'd need to decide if it was a deal breaker (I suspect not).

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Sorry op, just seen your recent reply. He's entitled not to want to change things of course, but that does mean there's a mismatch in your expectations, all the while sewing the seeds of discontent. Don't let it fester.

[ReanimatedSGB]

There was a thread recently from another MNer with a partner who did a lot of 'business' travel. In this case the man had actively sabotaged the OP's attempts to get a job - and kept her short of money despite his Wonderful High Earning Business success. I think the thread may have disappeared but ISTR that the OP, with MNers support, was finding out that there was something unpleasant going on, more than just an arrogant, selfish man who had made the unilateral decision that she was his housekeeper and childminder and ought to Know Her Place.

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

One of my children is at school the other is 3

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

I've painted a bad picture here. He tries and attends stuff occasionally but he is very good at what he does and I guess wants to earn as much as he can so we are comfortable when we are older. Maybe getting a part time job and seeking a childminder might be something to look at for me.

[RomanyRoots]

Talk to him and tell him he needs to be involved with parenting or his children will resent him when they are older, they'll have no time for him as it's what they know.

Mine has to go away sometimes, works long hours, but is also at home quite a lot. He has been an equal parent to me, not all the time, everyday but on the whole.

I too am a sahp, but looking for work as need more money.

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

His job is very senior. I shouldn't complain tbh I know that the thing is I get lonely I think in the evenings.

[JellyBaby666]

If you want him around more and he could be and he's choosing not to, then that needs addressing. Flexible working benefits everyone, and working from home even an afternoon or a day a week might give you all a bit more balance. It must be hard, and lonely at times, and you are allowed to say that! Ignore people here telling you to appreciate the "luxury"

[81Byerley]

My ex put work first. He lost the respect of his 2 sons, who remember that when they were kids he was hardly there. The same thing happened to a friend, who always said "I'm not very good with babies and toddlers. I'm better with teenagers." When they became teenagers and he tried to engage with them, they weren't interested.

[countrygirl99]

Those saying he should try and make events - how much notice does your school give? When mine were at school they had a habit of announcing some class event a couple of days before or saying sports day will be the 6th or the 7th depending on the weather. Made It hard for anyone to organise time off/diaries/working from home to attend. Can you imagine a surgeon (male or female) announcing that an operating list was cancelled due to a class assembly?

[Bluntness100]

If he earns enough then I'd agree, why don't you go to work if you're struggling at home? There is no need for you to be a stay at home parent and resent it. It would be unrealistic to expect him to be home for school kicking out.

[choli]

Maybe you should point out to him that having a child is like having another job; it’s separate to his other career and he has to find time for it.

In that case I would expect the OP to also find time for a second job.

[itsgoodtobehome]

It is what it is and yes it allows me the luxury of being able to choose to stay at home.

Sounds like it is a choice you have made then. I don't think you can have it both ways. You have chosen your role, he has chosen is. If you're not happy with it, then you need to make steps to change it.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Sit him down and ask him what he is working so hard for, what's his end goal?
If he says family and kids etc, tell him that his family won't be here at the end of the day, his kids won't want to know him and will think he's a stranger.

That you as his wife want a man who is present and all the money in the world, makes no difference if you divorced or dead

[Alicatz66]

You are pretty lucky I think ... you sound like you have a comfortable life and you don't have to go to work !!!! .... if you are getting bored maybe get a job and meet some new people ...

[TheVonTrappFamilySwingers]

Ok OP I am pretty much in the same situation. DH works long hours in the city and travels reasonably frequently. He earns an exceptionally good wage for this. I do all the childcare and ferrying to school etc etc. HOWEVER DH is always there for the DCs stuff at school. He makes parents evening, school plays when they're in the morning, choir concerts, fairs etc etc. He MAKES the time. Our children are his priority (his words). Of course there are times when he simply can't - if he's in New York or something, and I do some of those things without him. His work is pretty flexible as he puts in the hours anyway so can take time when he needs it. I wouldn't have it any other way. I certainly don't think he can absolve himself from being a parent and that I should put up with it as we're lucky to have the wage he earns. You do have a husband issue.

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

To be fair to him he does do parents evening and will try and make a class assembly but everything else no.

[arethereanyleftatall]

2 parents making parents evenings and class assemblies is more than most tbh.
Dh has never attended anything, it never really occurred to either of us that he should really, I'm there. Perfectly lovely relationship with his children. It depends how your dh is with the dc generally I think, rather than a ten minute show which would require taking a half day for.