Husband issue

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

Looking for answers I guess. I am a SAHM. Dh earns a high salary and as a result of his position works long hours and travels around the country.
I'm frustrated because just occasionally it would be nice if he was around a bit more/home earlier. When there's event's on at dc school he usually doesn't go because he sees it as well I'm there to go so he doesn't need to be and will watch a recording of it instead.
Obviously he can't attend all these events I appreciate that but he's just always busy.
I'm tearing my hair out with the dc after school sometimes and he's just not around. He'll be late home then out again early the next day. I've tried talking to him but it's pointless because he is just very focused on his career and earning the money. Not sure what I'm asking for really just need a rant.

[arethereanyleftatall]

2 parents making parents evenings and class assemblies is more than most tbh.
Dh has never attended anything, it never really occurred to either of us that he should really, I'm there. Perfectly lovely relationship with his children. It depends how your dh is with the dc generally I think, rather than a ten minute show which would require taking a half day for.

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

To be fair to him he does do parents evening and will try and make a class assembly but everything else no.

[TheVonTrappFamilySwingers]

Ok OP I am pretty much in the same situation. DH works long hours in the city and travels reasonably frequently. He earns an exceptionally good wage for this. I do all the childcare and ferrying to school etc etc. HOWEVER DH is always there for the DCs stuff at school. He makes parents evening, school plays when they're in the morning, choir concerts, fairs etc etc. He MAKES the time. Our children are his priority (his words). Of course there are times when he simply can't - if he's in New York or something, and I do some of those things without him. His work is pretty flexible as he puts in the hours anyway so can take time when he needs it. I wouldn't have it any other way. I certainly don't think he can absolve himself from being a parent and that I should put up with it as we're lucky to have the wage he earns. You do have a husband issue.

[Alicatz66]

You are pretty lucky I think ... you sound like you have a comfortable life and you don't have to go to work !!!! .... if you are getting bored maybe get a job and meet some new people ...

[Guiltypleasures001]

Sit him down and ask him what he is working so hard for, what's his end goal?
If he says family and kids etc, tell him that his family won't be here at the end of the day, his kids won't want to know him and will think he's a stranger.

That you as his wife want a man who is present and all the money in the world, makes no difference if you divorced or dead

[itsgoodtobehome]

It is what it is and yes it allows me the luxury of being able to choose to stay at home.

Sounds like it is a choice you have made then. I don't think you can have it both ways. You have chosen your role, he has chosen is. If you're not happy with it, then you need to make steps to change it.

[choli]

Maybe you should point out to him that having a child is like having another job; it’s separate to his other career and he has to find time for it.

In that case I would expect the OP to also find time for a second job.

[Bluntness100]

If he earns enough then I'd agree, why don't you go to work if you're struggling at home? There is no need for you to be a stay at home parent and resent it. It would be unrealistic to expect him to be home for school kicking out.

[countrygirl99]

Those saying he should try and make events - how much notice does your school give? When mine were at school they had a habit of announcing some class event a couple of days before or saying sports day will be the 6th or the 7th depending on the weather. Made It hard for anyone to organise time off/diaries/working from home to attend. Can you imagine a surgeon (male or female) announcing that an operating list was cancelled due to a class assembly?

[81Byerley]

My ex put work first. He lost the respect of his 2 sons, who remember that when they were kids he was hardly there. The same thing happened to a friend, who always said "I'm not very good with babies and toddlers. I'm better with teenagers." When they became teenagers and he tried to engage with them, they weren't interested.

[JellyBaby666]

If you want him around more and he could be and he's choosing not to, then that needs addressing. Flexible working benefits everyone, and working from home even an afternoon or a day a week might give you all a bit more balance. It must be hard, and lonely at times, and you are allowed to say that! Ignore people here telling you to appreciate the "luxury"

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

His job is very senior. I shouldn't complain tbh I know that the thing is I get lonely I think in the evenings.

[RomanyRoots]

Talk to him and tell him he needs to be involved with parenting or his children will resent him when they are older, they'll have no time for him as it's what they know.

Mine has to go away sometimes, works long hours, but is also at home quite a lot. He has been an equal parent to me, not all the time, everyday but on the whole.

I too am a sahp, but looking for work as need more money.

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

I've painted a bad picture here. He tries and attends stuff occasionally but he is very good at what he does and I guess wants to earn as much as he can so we are comfortable when we are older. Maybe getting a part time job and seeking a childminder might be something to look at for me.

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

One of my children is at school the other is 3

[ReanimatedSGB]

There was a thread recently from another MNer with a partner who did a lot of 'business' travel. In this case the man had actively sabotaged the OP's attempts to get a job - and kept her short of money despite his Wonderful High Earning Business success. I think the thread may have disappeared but ISTR that the OP, with MNers support, was finding out that there was something unpleasant going on, more than just an arrogant, selfish man who had made the unilateral decision that she was his housekeeper and childminder and ought to Know Her Place.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Sorry op, just seen your recent reply. He's entitled not to want to change things of course, but that does mean there's a mismatch in your expectations, all the while sewing the seeds of discontent. Don't let it fester.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I think you need to discuss with him how you feel and offer a solution. Could he afford to drop his salary and still get by, or would you have to get a job too? He might not want to of course, which is another matter entirely, and you'd need to decide if it was a deal breaker (I suspect not).

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

I appreciate the responses. Some of the comments fair enough. I'd be happy for him to earn less tbh and be around more but he doesn't want to change things. It is what it is and yes it allows me the luxury of being able to choose to stay at home.

[Seeingadistance]

Would you go back to work so he could take a position that doesn't involve so much travel?

This.

To be honest, it seems a bit much that you are able to stay at home and rely on his earnings, then complain about the consequences of that reliance. Many parents aren't able to attend children's events, and if one is able to attend, then that seems fair enough.

[NKFell]

Some of these replies! Crikey, I'm a working single Mum of 4- it doesn't stop me being able to sympathise, why is parenting a competition?!

Well OP I think you really do have to talk to your husband, I know you say there's no point but if you're not happy then it's not fair- you don't have to put up and shut up at all. Plus, like others have said, he'll wake up one morning and his children will be adults.

[EenyMeenyMo]

It's not clear from your post what he is like as a parent other than not attending school events? I don't think school events are a big deal if one of you attends. like TrojanPony I've always found that even the most demanding jobs do allow some flexibility for one off events. People don't always prioritise the same things though (DP- a SAHP- has been to one parents evening in 4 years- i go to them all as they are more important to me and its hard for both of us to go) and some things are not worth the effort (eg somethings i will reaarrange my schedule for however hard, others (swimming gala) i only go to if its really convenient)
If the job does demand the hours its not usually a case of reducing the hours and reducing the money (ie you can't work 80percent of hours for 80percent of money) its pretty binary.
Its very stressful/guiltridden as a WOHP trying to work and do all the things as a hands-on parent you want to do- although i would say that most men don't seem to feel this unlike most women and maybe its healthier. For me it was only being at home for a time which made me realise that the guilt i felt for not doing things was disproportionate
Use the money he earns to free up time and energy so that you both get to spend quality time with the children

[tiggerkid]

Easy to say it's ridiculous or unreasonable but I must admit I am rather more inclined to try and understand what the issue is first. Some people do avoid parental duties in favour of work but others genuinely do have a challenging work environment and highly pressurised jobs.

Without knowing what your husband's job is like, what the culture of the organisation he works for is and what his boss is like, it's very difficult to say whether he is being unreasonable. Especially because he is the sole provider in the family.

I can only recommend that you speak to him about how you feel and how children feel about their absent dad, try to understand what the issues are at work and work out a compromise.

If he still doesn't listen and doesn't want to work on a compromise, then the only other thing to suggest would be to think whether or not you want to be with someone, who isn't interested in the family.

If proper communication doesn't help, then as always there are only 2 solutions:

a) you accept him as he is and get on with it or
b) you decide you can't accept him as he is and get on with it without him

[ReanimatedSGB]

Does he generally treat you and DCs as though you all matter? Is he, for instance, generous about money, or are you kept to a strict budget? Are the work trips work or are there a lot of corporate jollies that he insists he has to attend (but would never dream of taking you along as well)? When he's not actually at work does he participate in both the fun bits and the shitwork of family life, or is his attitude more that, as the Hard Working Wage Earner, he's entitled to all the available leisure time, as well, while you exist purely to keep the domestic arrangements running smoothly?

There are men whose jobs involve a lot of time away from home who acknowledge the fact that their female partners are also working hard, on duty 24/7 for no actual wages, and who therefore regard leisure time and money as resources to be shared, and there are men who consider women to be servants and breeding stock and not fully human - in the case of these men, the 'wife&kids' are props to reinforce the image of the all-important Successful Man and do not merit consideration. Which is your set-up, OP?

[OnceUponATimeInAmerica]

Does he help with the house and interact with the children when he is there?

My DH is away all week with work, he has never been to a school event (kids are 8 and 13). I also work full time, negligible family support, and no outsourcing cleaning etc. So all week, I am it. No back up. But, when he gets home, he immediately starts on helping with laundry, cleaning, ironing etc, he gets up and starts chores early at the weekend, leaving me to lie in, so it is hard to feel resentful, if anything I feel guilty that I mostly ignore the clutter all week for him to sort when he gets back . And it isn’t much fun for him living out of a suitcase all week, while I get the luxury of our home to myself.

To me, it depends on his behaviour when he is there. If he does nothing at weekends, i’d be pissed off too. If he is like mine, it is not unreasonable for him to do little in the week, especially as your kids are at school and you are not working.