Husband issue

[Chuggachuggatoottoot]

Looking for answers I guess. I am a SAHM. Dh earns a high salary and as a result of his position works long hours and travels around the country.
I'm frustrated because just occasionally it would be nice if he was around a bit more/home earlier. When there's event's on at dc school he usually doesn't go because he sees it as well I'm there to go so he doesn't need to be and will watch a recording of it instead.
Obviously he can't attend all these events I appreciate that but he's just always busy.
I'm tearing my hair out with the dc after school sometimes and he's just not around. He'll be late home then out again early the next day. I've tried talking to him but it's pointless because he is just very focused on his career and earning the money. Not sure what I'm asking for really just need a rant.

[Cambalamb]

I had the same situation but I would always have preferred my end of the bargain. he often said he fancied a swap but he could earn more. It's only temporary OP,as they get older and go to school, you get more time to yourself.

[Cambalamb]

Oh just seen your DC are at school. In that case not sure you have such a hard life. That might sound harsh but many parents come home from work to DC being problematic after school and have to cope alone!!

[undomesticgodde55]

Honestly, as someone who was brought up with a dad working away/long hours/full time (at times working away from home during the week) it really isn't that bad of a deal. My parents are in a very lucky position where they now own their own house, go on holidays and have retired early. They are also able (but not expected to at all) help with my sister and I financially if we were to ever hit hard times (we haven't were both career women). I now get to see my mum and dad loads, it hasn't affected our relationship. So maybe he will miss a few plays, but thinking long term you and your DC are financially secure.

[trojanpony]

I work in a “demanding” city job

The reality is while they are performance based the reality is company’s accept occasionally you need to wfh or go to the detonation or... be human.

If your husband isn’t coming he much more likely doesn’t prioritises it rather than being “unable”. Companies value talent - while there will be mandatory trips and meetings there is flex in everyone’s calendar l.

I’d actual be much more inclined to believe he couldn’t if he was on a 0 hour contract working for minimum wage (or perhaps in the legal sector, first 10 years are brutal but even then you get much more flex as you move up)

[Thehop]

Can you suggest you get a p/t job so less pressure on him?

[79andnotout]

Would you go back to work so he could take a position that doesn't involve so much travel?

[FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones]

Be grateful that he's earning you money

Nice. There are plenty of people who would rather have less money (or even the chance to earn some of it themselves) and have a coparent and partner who's actually around.

[BigFatLiar]

People will tell you that he should be making sure that he's there for more of the events but that depends on what his job is. He may not have the flexibility to change around. If you talk to him you may find he isn't happy about missing out but feels making sure the families financially secure is his main priority.

[RiverTam]

ask him if he's happy to barely feature in his children's memories of childhood. DH's dad was like this and his relationship with his adult children isn't all that.

[SoyDora]

The thing is, often men like this wouldn’t take a step back even if their wives earned more money, as they are career driven and ambitious.
I’m a SAHM (although one is a pre schooler and I’m 34 weeks pregnant) and DH has a very well paid, senior job. He strikes a balance though, and will book out annual leave in advance for things like school plays etc and as he’s senior he has control over his diary to some extent.

[squeaver]

What does he do with them/you at weekends?

[Trinity66]

I'm not sure if he doesn't want to be at these mile stone things or feel like he's missing out then there is anything you can actually do tbh. It's sad though, I do feel sorry for men (and women but it's mainly men) who don't have that desire around their kids, ultimately they end up having built less of a relationship or more of a superficial relationship with their kids. They really are missing out

[beachysandy81]

Tough one. Could he actually be away less in his role or would he need to change jobs to cut his hours? What is he like when he is home? Is he good with the kids then? Does he want to be away so much?

Have a conversation and work out what changes could be made. Only he knows whether he needs to be at work as much as he is. I do think that if one partner has an all encompassing job everything else naturally falls to the other person and you end up feeling put upon. However, he may feel pressure being the main wage earner so it's swings and roundabouts.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

It is possible for parents to work long hours and work away and still actively parent. My husband works away a lot but will do a bigger proportion of stuff when he's home (more drop offs and pick ups, night waking etc) to make up for it and as a result he has an equally close relationship with them (is a bit different though as I work but currently on mat leave).

OP is there anything you think you could do to help the situation? Do you feel like your husband fully participates in family life at the weekends and when he is home? If not have you spoken to him about it? Just because you do the home stuff while he is at work doesn't mean you get zero time off, zero holiday and zero sick days and have to do everything while he is at home as well. Could you look at getting a job and getting childcare? Could your husband do condensed hours or take some annual leave for school events etc or work from home some days?

[RiverTam]

the other thing I would say with regard to my ILs is that FIL's lack of involvement led to their divorce, and that really isn't helping FIL at all now he's in his twilight years.

So your DH could end up with nothing if he doesn't look out.

[LizzieSiddal]

I was in exactly the same position and also used to get thoroughly fed up at how much dh wasn't around. I did worry it would adversely affect the children.
They are in their twenties now and I can honestly say, they look back and are not affected by his absences at all! They were busy with school, hobbies friends etc. They love their dad to bits and have a close, lovely relationship.

Dh is the one who has regrets. He reaslises that he missed out on so much, and he cannot wait for grandchildren, who I am sure he will spoil with his time and love.

[itsgoodtobehome]

Whose decision was it for you to be a SAHM?

[Trinity66]

They are in their twenties now and I can honestly say, they look back and are not affected by his absences at all! They were busy with school, hobbies friends etc. They love their dad to bits and have a close, lovely relationship.

on the flip side my father did nothing with us and left it all up to my mother. There's 4 of us, one of my siblings just totally cut him out of his life and the rest of us have a very superficial, polite relationship with him. We're all really really close to my mother though.

[famishedpotato]

He's not dead so don't complain he's disinterested in your kids is a strange one .

I'd be very cross about missing stuff when he is able to go, OP. It's not about him not missing out by watching a video, it's about your kids missing out by not having him there.

(And oh GOD who wouldn't prefer to watch a video of the five minutes of your kid being on stage instead of the whole excruciating hour of other people's children mumbling! He doesn't get to make awkward small talk, other kids forgetting their lines, and half a dozen bored toddlers in the audience your job by default! Everyone should have to take their turn with the bad coffee and horrible plastic chairs!)

[filka]

@LizzieSiddal "Dh is the one who has regrets. He reaslises that he missed out on so much"
Agree - one day he will wake up and realise that DCs have grown up and he missed it completely

[OnceUponATimeInAmerica]

Does he help with the house and interact with the children when he is there?

My DH is away all week with work, he has never been to a school event (kids are 8 and 13). I also work full time, negligible family support, and no outsourcing cleaning etc. So all week, I am it. No back up. But, when he gets home, he immediately starts on helping with laundry, cleaning, ironing etc, he gets up and starts chores early at the weekend, leaving me to lie in, so it is hard to feel resentful, if anything I feel guilty that I mostly ignore the clutter all week for him to sort when he gets back . And it isn’t much fun for him living out of a suitcase all week, while I get the luxury of our home to myself.

To me, it depends on his behaviour when he is there. If he does nothing at weekends, i’d be pissed off too. If he is like mine, it is not unreasonable for him to do little in the week, especially as your kids are at school and you are not working.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Does he generally treat you and DCs as though you all matter? Is he, for instance, generous about money, or are you kept to a strict budget? Are the work trips work or are there a lot of corporate jollies that he insists he has to attend (but would never dream of taking you along as well)? When he's not actually at work does he participate in both the fun bits and the shitwork of family life, or is his attitude more that, as the Hard Working Wage Earner, he's entitled to all the available leisure time, as well, while you exist purely to keep the domestic arrangements running smoothly?

There are men whose jobs involve a lot of time away from home who acknowledge the fact that their female partners are also working hard, on duty 24/7 for no actual wages, and who therefore regard leisure time and money as resources to be shared, and there are men who consider women to be servants and breeding stock and not fully human - in the case of these men, the 'wife&kids' are props to reinforce the image of the all-important Successful Man and do not merit consideration. Which is your set-up, OP?

[tiggerkid]

Easy to say it's ridiculous or unreasonable but I must admit I am rather more inclined to try and understand what the issue is first. Some people do avoid parental duties in favour of work but others genuinely do have a challenging work environment and highly pressurised jobs.

Without knowing what your husband's job is like, what the culture of the organisation he works for is and what his boss is like, it's very difficult to say whether he is being unreasonable. Especially because he is the sole provider in the family.

I can only recommend that you speak to him about how you feel and how children feel about their absent dad, try to understand what the issues are at work and work out a compromise.

If he still doesn't listen and doesn't want to work on a compromise, then the only other thing to suggest would be to think whether or not you want to be with someone, who isn't interested in the family.

If proper communication doesn't help, then as always there are only 2 solutions:

a) you accept him as he is and get on with it or
b) you decide you can't accept him as he is and get on with it without him

[EenyMeenyMo]

It's not clear from your post what he is like as a parent other than not attending school events? I don't think school events are a big deal if one of you attends. like TrojanPony I've always found that even the most demanding jobs do allow some flexibility for one off events. People don't always prioritise the same things though (DP- a SAHP- has been to one parents evening in 4 years- i go to them all as they are more important to me and its hard for both of us to go) and some things are not worth the effort (eg somethings i will reaarrange my schedule for however hard, others (swimming gala) i only go to if its really convenient)
If the job does demand the hours its not usually a case of reducing the hours and reducing the money (ie you can't work 80percent of hours for 80percent of money) its pretty binary.
Its very stressful/guiltridden as a WOHP trying to work and do all the things as a hands-on parent you want to do- although i would say that most men don't seem to feel this unlike most women and maybe its healthier. For me it was only being at home for a time which made me realise that the guilt i felt for not doing things was disproportionate
Use the money he earns to free up time and energy so that you both get to spend quality time with the children

[NKFell]

Some of these replies! Crikey, I'm a working single Mum of 4- it doesn't stop me being able to sympathise, why is parenting a competition?!

Well OP I think you really do have to talk to your husband, I know you say there's no point but if you're not happy then it's not fair- you don't have to put up and shut up at all. Plus, like others have said, he'll wake up one morning and his children will be adults.