To wish SIL would butt out and accept I am happy on my own.

[bluekitten7]

NC for this as I don't want it linked to my other posts...

For the first time in my adult life, this Christmas, I will have nothing to do and no-one to cook for. Both (adult) daughters who have left home and live with their boyfriends are going away from 20th Dec to 28thth Dec on holiday, all together, and DH is working 23rd to 26th… 9am to 5pm each day. It’s his turn to do Christmas (emergency services.)

So I am, for the first time in my adult life, on my own for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day, (til about half five anyway.) Then DH is off til the 3rd of Jan … We are off out to a party with our daughters and their B/Fs on NY Eve, which I am looking forward to! Both sets of our parents have passed, and I have a brother who lives in Oz who I only see every 2 or 3 years (and not this year.) DH’s Brother however, lives 30 miles away, with his wife – 1 adult son (23 still lives at home with them.)

I am really looking forward to not having to get out of bed til 10 or 11am if I don’t want to, (On Crimbo morn!) snacking on mince pies, nuts and crackers, and not having to make dinner for a bunch of people, and just chilling and relaxing and watching cheesy TV, and doing what I WANT.. I haven’t minded ‘doing Christmas’ over the years, but the past 3-4 years it’s got me down a bit, as I seemed to spend half of Christmas day in the kitchen!

I am also looking forward to being able to go to midnight mass at my Church (on Christmas eve,) and stay out til 1am, coz I don’t have to be up at 8am to prepare for Christmas day and all the food prep and visitors! Also looking forward to a peaceful and carefree Boxing day, all by myself, til DH comes home at 5.15pm ish, and we have a small Christmas dinner and a bottle of wine each, and he can have some drinks too as he won’t be in work til the 3rd of Jan. And I am looking forward to Christmas Eve alone all day (til DH comes home at half five-ish,) and plan on going for a nice long walk, a tootle around the Christmas Eve market in our market town, and watching a few Christmas films.

Here’s the problem. My well-meaning but very annoying and pushy sister-in-law, (DH’s brother’s wife!) who has got wind of me being on my own, on the 24th, 25th, and 26th, assumes I will be terribly lonely and sad. (I WON’T! I can’t WAIT!) So she is insisting I go to theirs to spend Christmas day, and they will come to ours on Boxing day! :( I said I will be fine, and I ‘have plans.’

‘What plans?’ she asked. I went blank. ‘SEEEEE…’ she said to DH’s brother. ‘She IS alone, that’s not right. You HAVE to come to ours...’ ‘But I don’t mind being on my own’ I said. She insisted no-one should be alone, on Christmas day OR Boxing day, and I must go to theirs Christmas day, and they will come to ours Boxing day.

HELP!!! Help me think of an excuse or a reason to not go! (And for them to not come to ours!) It’s really pissing me off, because I am sooooooo looking forward to it. And I DON’T want to spend both days with BIL and SIL! In fact I don’t want to spend ANY of the days with them, or even SEE them! BIL said ‘there is no point in arguing with her! Just go with it! LOL!’ I NEED this time alone, Why won’t she take no for a pissing answer?

Help!

'Hello SIL, I don't mean to insult your hospitality as I'm really grateful for the offer but I'm really looking forward to having three days to myself. I can sit around in my PJs watching Morcambe and Wise on the telly whilst demolishing a chocolate orange washed down with booze. Its a relief not to have to do christmas. I need the break.'
And then ignore, ignore, ignore. If they are stupid enough to waste an hour of their Christmas driving to get you they will find you in PJs on the sofa and quite happy before being sent away.

I think your Christmas sounds great.

She'll turn up Boxing Day, for sure.

I've spent Christmas on my own before and it was lovely. Ate what I wanted when i wanted, watched old movies, mooched around in my pyjamas ... this year it's just DH and I and I can't wait. I would hate to think you didn't get your blissful Christmas OP, so you either have to fib, or be brave and persistent. I would go with sickness bug, awful trots, throwing up, please don't come near me! Then pull up the drawbridge and enjoy!

Don't lie. Just be firm.
I hate this " oh nobody should be alone at Xmas" shit.
Some people actually want to be, rather than spend it with others.
And some people deserve to be alone 😀
Stick to your guns and have a great time.

'But I don’t mind being on my own’ I said

That was a mistake. It sounds half hearted. Send her an email to say that you are looking forward to doing Christmas your way, so it's a thanks but no thanks

Don't lie, or make up a D&V bug. You'll get caught out and / or food will be wasted

Learning to say ‘no’ was one of the most valuable and liberating thing I’ve ever done. Please just say no. Don’t let her ruin what sounds like an amazing Christmas x

"Just tell her the truth. I do this all the time. No I don't need a lift thanks, I enjoy the walk. No I don't need company on my trip, its something I really enjoy on my own. No I don't need help with x, I've got it under control.

Nobody is offended, they accept I really like doing stuff on my own."

This ^^

Not "I don't mind being on my own". That makes you sound like a martyr. Just tell her that you are actively looking forward to a stress free day on your own and don't want visitors and don't want to visit anyone. Be assertive without being rude.

I think you already know what you have to do deep down, don’t you?

You have to kill her.

[big grin]

This was exactly what I was thinking as I got towards the end of the opening post.

You have a lovely Christmas planned, OP, sound blissful. Don't make up excuses, just tell her how it is. Then kill her!

Honestly you DO have plans with your husband as he will be home at dinner time and you will eat and enjoy each other’s company without the stress of the girls and the huge holiday family get together!

I remember the year dh (actually dhtb as he was then we didn't get married until feb) and I both came down with awful Noro on Christmas Eve.
It was the last year his elderly, cantankerous aunt, who was unimpressed we were engaged and I was expecting, was coming to stay.
We made a "miraculous recovery" and enjoyed goose and all the trimmings with me in my pjs (never had goose before and now I'm veggie, and 10 years on she's still perpetually unimpressed with everything just doesn't come for Christmas)
Now we have big busy family days which are lovely but I will always treasure that one.

Dont lie just tell her plainly.

1. You are looking forward to a day of peace on your own doing exactly as you please.
2. You and dp are looking forward to a peaceful evening together.
3. You are not going to thier house.
4. You are not having anyone over to yours.
5. Please stop talking about my life as if its up to.you what i do. My xmas my choice.

If she doesnt shut up tell her you are getting worried about her apparent lack of comprehension skills lately and has she had any other problems understanding things recently, maybe she should see a Dr? 😉

Enjoy a lovely peaceful xmas.

Hi and thanks for your responses

Update:

I kept all this to myself til Saturday, then said to DH that I need him to speak to his brother because SIL won't take no for an answer, and wants me to go to their house Christmas day (and them come to ours on Boxing day.)

He said he didn't understand it as he thought I would be 'grateful' to be asked.

I said 'what?! Why? I want nothing more than to be left alone!' He is completely baffled as to why. He said it would be nice for me to spend the day with them and have the 'company....'

He needs to be with someone all the time, and cannot fathom why I would want to be alone! Not sure if he is just struggling with trying to fathom why I could POSSIBLY want to spend my Christmas day (and Boxing day) alone, or whether he is just miffed he is having to work, and is trying to derail it for ME.

I said 'do you begrudge me a few days to myself after 25 plus years of looking after children and family and home?!' He said 'well no, I just don't 'get' why someone would actively choose to spend Christmas day alone. And Boxing day too!' I said 'I am not going to be alone ALL the time! I will be at the Midnight mass at Church on Christmas eve, and then at the morning service at 11am til half past midday... then I will come home for a few hours, watch some Christmas TV, eat some Christmas food, then go for a half hour walk at 3.30pm-ish, then I will be with you at 5pm.

He said he isn't going to say anything to his brother or SIL! (As he thinks they are being 'kind' offering to accommodate me!) So it still remains with me to try and convince them that I want to be alone!

So pissed off and feel really stressed to think SIL and BIL will just expect me to go Christmas day and don't seem to 'get' that I want to be alone. I want to say 'go away! I want to be alone' but I can't seem to muster up the courage!

I will try and look at the suggestions given here, but am a bit miffed at DH assuming I want the 'company' at Christmas. Errrrr, NO I am happy to be on my own!

Will update further when I have figured out exactly what to say, and how to say it (eg, email or something, seeing as how SIL doesn't take any notice when I actually speak to her!)

He doesn't have to get it, just has to respect your opinion! But I think this is better coming from you anyway. I'd just send a very short text saying thanks for their offer but this year you're doing you're own thing and that's what u want to do. If she's pushy after that you'll have to get a bit more blunt, or kill her as pp said...

My husband would be the same. He’s a born extrovert and just doesn’t understand why I need solitude at times.

Message your SIL. Tell her what’s going to happen. Don’t use any language that she can interpret how she wants (such as “I don’t mind being alone.” Say “I WANT to be alone.”

Good luck OP. I hope you get the Christmas you want.

Stop saying ":I don't mind" - it makes it sound like you are just putting up with a sad situation, rather than actually enjoying the idea of some solitude. Say "I'm REALLY looking forward to having some time to myself for once ! " with a big smile. And keep saying it.

Or lie and say you're spending both days doing some wonderful thing like volunteering in a homeless shelter or cheering up a sick neighbor.

just tell her your plans as you have here to us,
and say "i cant fucking wait for a blissful relaxing xmas where i dont have to see a fucking soul or dress up or make meaningless small talk!!! CANT WAIT!!!!!"
If she carries on, talk over her and say you have it all planned right down to what pj's you are going to wear all day on each day, and what tv shows you plan to watch and what junk food you are most looking forward too... and then tell her you plan to lock the doors and close the drapes and hibernate and enjoy a, for once, solo stress free xmas

For us on this thread who have no hope of a Christmas like that for at least the next decade YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HER.

Fight her with staves of holly. To the victor goes the crown of mistletoe. Drink mulled wine out of her skull after you triumph. (Eh, I might have just seen the Amazon trailer of the woman who takes her office politics tips from Vikings )

Just read your update OP. Stick to your guns (and, as others have said, make sure you say that you're actively looking forward to it - they don't have to empathise they just have to hear it). If your nerve fails, do it for us - everyone on this thread who will be hosting dinner/small children etc and in the middle of the flying wrapping paper and the mountain of sprouts we will pause for a moment and imagine you sleeping till 11 and then going out for a nice walk and coming back and watching whatever you want on the telly, and it will give us the strength to push through

Hi SiL. Thank you for your Christmas offer but this year I am going to stay at home. I am keen to go to church In the morning and then please myself till DH comes home for our meal in the evening. Will be a similar day on Boxing Day. I'm really looking forward to it.

How about we get together on xxxx? Bluekitten7 xx

Ohh what your DH said would piss me right off. How dare he tell you what your own feelings are. Tell him he has one week to, nicely, convince his DB and SIL that you want to be alone for Christmas Day and Boxing Day or you will tell them yourself, probably in a manner that will ensure they never talk to you again, let alone insist on you visiting them.

The Christmas Day thing is easier because you just don't turn up and there's very little they can do about it, especially if you don't answer your phone. It's harder to sit there and ignore the doorbell ringing on Boxing Day, although if you haven't turned up to them they might take you more seriously and not bother going over to you.

I think you’re just going to have to barricade yourself in on Christmas Day and not answer the door or the phone. If you are forced into communicating with them just say ‘what the fuck don’t you get? I want to be on my fucking own after pleasing everybody else for 25 years!!!’ Or words to that effect. And then lock yourself in again on Boxing Day and don’t answer the door. Just shout FUCK OFF!!!’ through the letter box if they hammer on the door.

How about telling him he either tells his brother that you want a few by yourself or he can go to them after work on the 24,25,26 and he can see you on the 27 after his shift has finished and you will spend 3 whole days by yourself or he can tell them you just want a few hours to yourself.

Ok well you are either off to Derek & Rose from church or through mildly gritted teeth say "Look, I get you are trying to be kind and I am trying really hard to be kind in my response back but this is all getting very frustrating. I am not coming on Christmas Day and am not hosting here Boxing Day. I have explained why, I am very happy and I am now closing the discussion for good and while we are all friends"

I've had a few Xmas days on my own and they were FABULOUS. I lay in the bath and drank champagne, I watched what I wanted on the telly, I cooked myself an enormous dinner and ate it all and trumped all afternoon and laughed uproariously and didn't have to share anything and rang a couple of family members to say hi and just luxuriated in it. It was great.

The only difficult bit was convincing other people that I genuinely wanted to do this. "Oh you can't sit on your own on Christmas day!" etc etc, and I would try to be polite but my idea of a wonderful Xmas of self indulgence beats sitting awkwardly around someone else's table, holding in your sprout-fuelled wind, watching other people open presents from people you've never met, and having to sit through yet another Bond film and forcing a smile.