To wish SIL would butt out and accept I am happy on my own.

[bluekitten7]

NC for this as I don't want it linked to my other posts...

For the first time in my adult life, this Christmas, I will have nothing to do and no-one to cook for. Both (adult) daughters who have left home and live with their boyfriends are going away from 20th Dec to 28thth Dec on holiday, all together, and DH is working 23rd to 26th… 9am to 5pm each day. It’s his turn to do Christmas (emergency services.)

So I am, for the first time in my adult life, on my own for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day, (til about half five anyway.) Then DH is off til the 3rd of Jan … We are off out to a party with our daughters and their B/Fs on NY Eve, which I am looking forward to! Both sets of our parents have passed, and I have a brother who lives in Oz who I only see every 2 or 3 years (and not this year.) DH’s Brother however, lives 30 miles away, with his wife – 1 adult son (23 still lives at home with them.)

I am really looking forward to not having to get out of bed til 10 or 11am if I don’t want to, (On Crimbo morn!) snacking on mince pies, nuts and crackers, and not having to make dinner for a bunch of people, and just chilling and relaxing and watching cheesy TV, and doing what I WANT.. I haven’t minded ‘doing Christmas’ over the years, but the past 3-4 years it’s got me down a bit, as I seemed to spend half of Christmas day in the kitchen!

I am also looking forward to being able to go to midnight mass at my Church (on Christmas eve,) and stay out til 1am, coz I don’t have to be up at 8am to prepare for Christmas day and all the food prep and visitors! Also looking forward to a peaceful and carefree Boxing day, all by myself, til DH comes home at 5.15pm ish, and we have a small Christmas dinner and a bottle of wine each, and he can have some drinks too as he won’t be in work til the 3rd of Jan. And I am looking forward to Christmas Eve alone all day (til DH comes home at half five-ish,) and plan on going for a nice long walk, a tootle around the Christmas Eve market in our market town, and watching a few Christmas films.

Here’s the problem. My well-meaning but very annoying and pushy sister-in-law, (DH’s brother’s wife!) who has got wind of me being on my own, on the 24th, 25th, and 26th, assumes I will be terribly lonely and sad. (I WON’T! I can’t WAIT!) So she is insisting I go to theirs to spend Christmas day, and they will come to ours on Boxing day! :( I said I will be fine, and I ‘have plans.’

‘What plans?’ she asked. I went blank. ‘SEEEEE…’ she said to DH’s brother. ‘She IS alone, that’s not right. You HAVE to come to ours...’ ‘But I don’t mind being on my own’ I said. She insisted no-one should be alone, on Christmas day OR Boxing day, and I must go to theirs Christmas day, and they will come to ours Boxing day.

HELP!!! Help me think of an excuse or a reason to not go! (And for them to not come to ours!) It’s really pissing me off, because I am sooooooo looking forward to it. And I DON’T want to spend both days with BIL and SIL! In fact I don’t want to spend ANY of the days with them, or even SEE them! BIL said ‘there is no point in arguing with her! Just go with it! LOL!’ I NEED this time alone, Why won’t she take no for a pissing answer?

Help!

A few years ago I wanted to be alone on Christmas day, kids were at their dad's and for logistical reasons I'd have to keep popping home.
I was gonna have the fire on, radio going, Great Escape on the tv, fire on, dogs snoozing in front of it, box of After Eights, marvelous! Every man and his dog wanted me to go to theirs as I couldn't possibly stay on my own!
In the end I went to my best friend's for dinner then home again, so nearly what I wanted. Wish I'd held out for what I wanted.

Write her a letter and tell her exactly what you have told us in your OP.

Lay it on thick - tell her (as forcefully as you can manage) that you are actively looking forward to doing absolutely nothing at all. No cooking, no socialising, no entertaining, NOTHING. That you want some time to yourself. You won't be lonely and you won't be bored at all, you are giving yourself some peace and quiet as a Christmas present to yourself.

If none of that works, you will just have to resort to what Cough said right at the beginning

If you're bad at confrontation, then just write all of the above into an email and send it to her.

There's really no need to lie or make stuff up. A calm, collected, rational explanation of why you're actually HAPPY to be alone, and that her idea would actually RUIN your Christmas should get her to back the hell off.

If she doesn't, get the rest of the family onside with the same method - DH, MIL, BIL etc etc. Send them all the same email to make the point.

No need to do it all in person if you don't want to.

Words can’t describe my sheer jealousy!!

Call me cynical but if you have hosted them for the last few years is it a case that she doesn't want to do all the work at Christmas and figures that if you are at theirs you will help. Then she gets to come to yours on boxing day to be waited on?
Just say that your plan for Christmas is to do nothing. 'I won't be coming to you and you are not invited here. It is my year to do sweet FA'

Her behaviour is most odd and very annoying.

I agree slightly with mickey ^

I think your SIL is jealous of you having this lush Christmas on your own (during the days,) and is trying to derail it, because she is having to spend it with her adult son and DH, who will probably hijack the TV, not let her watch anything she wants, and expect to be waited on hand and foot. She will probably want to watch a Christmas romcom or two, and/or listen to Westminster Cathedral Choir singing Christmas carols, but the 2 men in the house will veto that.

So it could be that she wants you as some weird kind of ally. And she is trying to derail your fab Christmas plans to make you spend it with her.

Fuck that though. Stick to your guns. STAY STRONG.

I think I would go with saying you have been asked to someone's house on both days, and will see her 27th December!

Could you use an analogy of a peaceful beach holiday where someone can totally relax and do what they want. The person looking for relaxation and peace wouldn’t want anyone to gate crash that and have another family join them for a party.

Or just tell her to cock off.

Jesus christ that would infuriate me. No, you thick-skinned ignorant twat, I do not wish to be disturbed by you over Christmas, for gods sake leave me alone!

Only politely.

@returnofthesmileybar

Oh thanks for the offer but Joan and Barry from church have insisted on having me round for Christmas lunch and on Boxing day we are all going for a walk and pub lunch, there is a big group of us, I'm looking forward to it.

I think I may go with this! Even though saying 'fuck off you annoying pushy twat' is tempting.

I do agree with the poster saying my SIL is trying to derail my Christmas plans because she wants me to spend it with her, as hers is gonna be a bit shit with her husband and son!

Not my problem sorry.

I’m having the same Christmas as you OP and I can’t wait. Children will be with their Dad and my husband is working nights. I’m laying low until the 27th when DH finishes nights and Children are home. No point in burning myself out trying to do Theo Christmases . It’ll be me, the dogs and a bottle of wine.
Husband’s family have offered me up as a “sacrificial guest” to get them off the hook of visiting the ones they don’t want to. Not happening.

From visiting that should say. Oh, the shame.

One of the nicest Christmases I ever had was the year before DH and I got married. We stayed at home and pleased ourselves, just the two of us. It was bliss. We’re now in the thick of parenting small children, so another chilled-out Christmas is but a distant fantasy right now.

Do not let her take this away from you! Maybe she really can’t understand your wish to be alone, but that’s HER problem. Tell her. Firmly. Send a message if she won’t listen in person. If you give in, your Christmas will be ruined and you’ll resent her.

You could go along until Xmas eve and then ferris bueller Her arse -complete with realistic but pronounced vomit sound effects!

Tell her you're no longer celebrating Christmas as its against your religion/ethics/politics and then bombard her with a HUGE lecture on these beliefs that you'll be happy to expand even further on whenever she visits!

I also love the idea of analysing HER insecurities to get her to back the fuck off!

But seriously - just get her told! And get dh to back you up.

I'm on my own mostly this year as its only dd and I Anyway and she'll be working (funnily enough in a role associated with emergency services). Suits me just fine. Can just please myself, eat, drink and watch would I want without answering to anyone! Bliss!

Oh how selfish and unreasonable of you to ignore a lovely offer to host somebody else's family at yours on Boxing Day ....

Lol I'm still shocked she offered but then gave you a job in return check bloody cow!

I'm jealous too lol!! Just tell her it doesn't work for you

• Cheeky bloody cow - checky bloody cow is more like a violent chess mooooooove

Your Xmas sounds amazing

Another one to say your Christmas sounds wonderful.
With DH and DD's work schedules it could just be me and 14yo DS this Christmas. We're both fine with it but I'm sure family will be wringing hands at the thought of it do not show up

Come down with explosive and wildly contagious gastroenteritis on the morning of Christmas Eve. She won’t come near you with a barge pole!

Norovirus often pops its head up around Christmas, and is very nasty and extremely contagious. Just saying...

Don't lie, you'll get found out and it'll cause even more issues.

Just email / text (if you don't want to talk face to face) " Hi X, i've thought about your kind offer, and whilst i really appreciate it, i'm actually really looking forward to entirely pleasing myself for a couple of days, having a nice lie in, watching crap TV and eating whatever i fancy! We'll catch up with you are some point over the festive season though."

Just tell her the truth. I do this all the time. No I don't need a lift thanks, I enjoy the walk. No I don't need company on my trip, its something I really enjoy on my own. No I don't need help with x, I've got it under control.

Nobody is offended, they accept I really like doing stuff on my own.

I would say:
"Thank you for your kind offer but I do have plans, my plan is to relax and do nothing and I am very much looking forward to those plans. I'm sure you will also have the lovely day you have planned"

And then don't engage. Any time it comes up in conversation I would change the subject, walk away or repeat the above.

Some people just don't understand that doing nothing is just as important as doing something

You probably need to tell her no firmly sooner rather than later - she’ll just keep nagging otherwise

You said yourself your told her 'you don't mind' being alone at Christmas. That implies you don't have a choice and will deal with it. Put on your big girl pants - tell her the blunt truth in that you want to be alone.

However unreasonable she’s being please don’t lie about being ill on Christmas Day morning - that’s a horrible and mean thing to do - as she will have made food and plans that accommodate you. Her DH and son will be expecting you to be there and probably looking forward to your company and/ or she may have turned down other people or invites.

I would go with the broken record plan (just keep repeating that you are really looking forward to spending that time on your own), or the write her an email idea or, as others have sai, say you have other plans - the neighbours are inviting you in for a mince pie and sherry, you’re serving Xmas lunch at the local homeless shelter or old person’s home, you’re volunteering at the local cattery or you’ve been invited on a walk with some local friends/ neighbours on Boxing Day morning followed by a glass of mulled wine at the local pub.

There are so many options you can come up with as to why you’re not available without having to let your in laws down at the last moment. But probably telling the truth is the best way to go.