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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel upset at exwife over wedding dress ????

60 replies

Scallywag1903 · 12/11/2018 21:49

Please feel free to express honesty - as I do understand this could be an emotive subject for some... ( eek!)
I have been with my husband for 24 years, 20 of them married. I have 1 DS, DH has 2 - DSD & DSS. I have always treated them as kindly as I could, refrained from expressing my thoughts and opinions over their conduct , comments and ignoring the animosity from the ex wife (tbh, she is dead feisty!!) My SC are actually great. My SS is getting married next year, his fiance is from China ( came to UK to study) she is an utter delight. They announced they were getting married, we were thrilled, and luckily I work with a huge Bridal Fashion house and look after their UK/European operation - so naturally I offered to help with dress. Now the shit hit the fan! OMG - Ex has gone bat shit loopy - DSD called to tell us how insensitive we have been, how dare we etc etc. It was just awful. I was shocked, but I have since thought about it and maybe I was insensitive??? I thought I was helping them financially, I actually told her to look for dresses with her own Mum in China, I can then see if we had anything similar?? I am pooping myself going to the wedding in case it all kicks off....or was it the right thing to do???

OP posts:

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 12/11/2018 21:51

I think you were being kind.
This is your stepsons fiance?
Maybe if it were your stepdaughter, it might have been insensitive

Blanchedupetitpois · 12/11/2018 21:52

That seems really weird. I would understand more if it was your step daughter getting married and your DH’s ex thought you were stepping on her toes as the mother of the bride but I can’t see how anyone could be offended at your kind offer for your step son’s wife. I think you were nice and I don’t see the issue!

PookieDo · 12/11/2018 21:53

Totally batshit to not bite someone’s hand off who works in the bridal industry to at least look/get a discount on a dress. But not enough context to know if other things were said that could look like you were muscling in, in your excitement ex wife has unreasonably taken this badly for some reason

I think just stick with the line of you were only offering a helping hand!

ShalomJackie · 12/11/2018 21:54

They are BU you are being lovely and kind.

Belindabauer · 12/11/2018 21:54

Yanbu.
Can't understand this reaction tbh.

user1493413286 · 12/11/2018 21:55

I think you were being nice; why would she expect to be involved with the wedding dress? If it was her DD then I could see it but a lot of mil have no involvement until they see it on the day

Thehop · 12/11/2018 21:55

You’ve done nothing wrong, it would have looked odd if you hadn’t offered, given your job!

Original poster

Scallywag1903 · 12/11/2018 21:58

Yes breakfastatsquiffanys, it is my stepsons fiance. And TBH I haven't said/interfered at all ( being in the bridal business, I know it can be an emotional sticky time) I am just hurt, as DS rang us on the Sunday and yelled at us for hurting her Mums feelings...I am at a loss really. :(

OP posts:

AtSea1979 · 12/11/2018 21:58

I’m confused. What is it you are supposed to have done wrong?

spanishwife · 12/11/2018 21:59

I think you need to check what they think you said (or inferred) because none of what you've posted seems insensitive or rude in any way. Sounds like a misunderstanding?

Pinkyyy · 12/11/2018 22:00

Perhaps it's a big significance in China for the bride and her mother to choose the dress together? I can't think of any other reason for them to see your offer as anything other then generous

borage13 · 12/11/2018 22:03

I don't understand what "help with the dress" means (but I am a bit ignorant with weddings; I reckon I'd just get a nice going out dress and get married in that if I did it again). Was it financial help you offered? It's a lovely thought but maybe your SS mum had it in her mind that she would buy her SS wife her wedding dress as a gesture.

Either way, you're not a mind reader, she's projecting something on you but you may never know what. Go and enjoy the wedding and be there for them like the lovely step mum you sound.

BollocksToBrexit · 12/11/2018 22:04

What's their issue? Is it that they think you've been insensitive to the mother (weird) or the bride (not so weird as your offer could be seen as insensitive to her culture)?

trojanpony · 12/11/2018 22:05

you tried to do a nice thing - this is not a normal reaction.

I’d check with your stepson (via your husband) that they actually understood the offer.
If so, they are rude and ungratefulI’d tell them “fine” and leave them to it.

Honeyroar · 12/11/2018 22:06

I don't understand why it's a snub to the groom's mother to offer to help the bride and her mother get a good deal on something that's expensive? What exactly had caused such offence? Did your DSD say?

SavoyCabbage · 12/11/2018 22:09

I’ve been to dozens of Chinese weddings and at most there are three wedding dresses so enough for everyone!

I don’t see how you did anything at all. In fact, it would have been awful if you hadn’t given them the benefit of your knowledge really.

Original poster

Scallywag1903 · 12/11/2018 22:10

I think ex just hates me having anything to do with her children, I have had step parents and I always try to stay kind and supportive to them - the SS is lovely, the SD is err rather tricky - diva. The MOB in China is lovely, we have met and we get on very very well. Sooo I can only think it may be a jealousy thing? I am happy to keep to the sidelines, just feel hurt that even after all this time it is still shit, she must still hate me. I said to DSD that what if I was a florist?? OFC I would offer to help!! She said that was different and I know that! Oh and when I mean 'help', I meant that one of our Designers would do a special dress at a special price ;)

OP posts:

ShadowHuntress · 12/11/2018 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Notnowok · 12/11/2018 22:12

I think the exw is cross you've interfered in her sons wedding. You haven't at all and I think that's just a bad reaction.
Is she usually sensitive to anything involving her dcs if you offer suggestions?

Armchairanarchist · 12/11/2018 22:12

Batshit! It's not her daughter so why would she even be involved in dress buying? You simply offered a favour. I'd have been delighted by your offer.

Serfisafleur · 12/11/2018 22:12

I agree talk again to DSD to ask if there could have been a misunderstanding.

What is your DH making of all this? Can he talk to DSD and DSS?

Notnowok · 12/11/2018 22:13

Cross post didn't see your update

RLOU30 · 12/11/2018 22:16

I don’t often hear 12 year olds running around telling people they are bat shit crazy

VanGoghsDog · 12/11/2018 22:18

To be fair, they'll probably get the dress cheaper in China anyway. I mean, copying designer dresses cheap is what China is all about.

Ignore then, just say 'well, the offer is there'. Up to DSS fiancee if they accept or not.

Dollymixture22 · 12/11/2018 22:20

Text them. Explain you were simply trying to help by offering a reduced price on whatever dress they selected. You hadn’t realised this offer would cause offence, but now that you do you will of course withdraw the offer if that is their wish. Say you apologise for any hurt feelings , that was never your intention.

But text the bride and groom - the offer was to them, and it is for them to decide and manage everyone else’s (possibly illogicality) reactions.

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