AIBU to feel upset at exwife over wedding dress ????

[Scallywag1903]

Please feel free to express honesty - as I do understand this could be an emotive subject for some... ( eek!)
I have been with my husband for 24 years, 20 of them married. I have 1 DS, DH has 2 - DSD & DSS. I have always treated them as kindly as I could, refrained from expressing my thoughts and opinions over their conduct , comments and ignoring the animosity from the ex wife (tbh, she is dead feisty!!) My SC are actually great. My SS is getting married next year, his fiance is from China ( came to UK to study) she is an utter delight. They announced they were getting married, we were thrilled, and luckily I work with a huge Bridal Fashion house and look after their UK/European operation - so naturally I offered to help with dress. Now the shit hit the fan! OMG - Ex has gone bat shit loopy - DSD called to tell us how insensitive we have been, how dare we etc etc. It was just awful. I was shocked, but I have since thought about it and maybe I was insensitive??? I thought I was helping them financially, I actually told her to look for dresses with her own Mum in China, I can then see if we had anything similar?? I am pooping myself going to the wedding in case it all kicks off....or was it the right thing to do???

Meant tell dsd

Sounds like the mum thinks you are stepping a bit too far into her sons mother role. And without knowing the full ins and outs it's impossible to say whether she's justified or not.
All you can do is step back really if your ss is also unhappy with your level of involvement.

Bum I agree.

If the step daughter is involved and assuming she has a relationship with her father still, might be that she is sensitive about how involved you are too.

The mother of the groom had all sorts of emotions on her sons weddng

You were being kind. "DSD called to tell us how insensitive we have been, how dare we etc " Your step daughter sounds like she has an issue but not sure how it can be with you. You said "how insensitive we have been"

Hopefully nothing will kick off at the wedding but if it does just be calm and polite.

It's the future step daughter in laws big day and presumably she will get the dress she wants.

Hope the day goes well.

OMG - you have all picked up on so many underlying issues here - yes SD I think does still blame me ( she recently told DH that "it was a pity I was the second wife, because she actually likes me" ( WTF) and when she was about 8, I remember her saying " my Mummy really hates you, but I think you should make up your own mind".... sad really. All your advice has been great and Butchyrestingface - yep, I think lots of over pandering. I AM going to say to SD, sorry sweetheart, please do not ask me when you get married to get you a dress. DH has been great BTW, although he won't want to ruffle feathers and say too much, he did tell SD it was absolutely ridiculous and a huge over-reaction. Thank you to you all xxxx

FWIW you sound like a lovely lady and I would kill to have someone in the family in your job! It was just an offer, you were hardly drawing up designs or picking fabrics... when they go low, stay high, you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

It’s nothing to do with the GROOM’S mother where, when or how the BRIDE gets her dress. Your offer was to the BRIDE not the Groom’s batshit mother or diva sister and THAT is what they should have been quite firmly told when they started acting out the crazy. Your DH needs to grow a pair with them BOTH. His DD is an ADULT not a fragile child and this is fuck all to do with her. His EX wife needs no pandering to anymore, none. Civility, but not oandering.

24 fucking years of this shit it’s a wonder you haven’t buried the lot of them, H included, under the patio.

I wouldn't tell DSD that when she gets married you won't insult her by offering a dress. Say nothing and be gracious now, and then when/if she asks, you can look astonished and say, 'But you made it so clear that it'd be hugely insulting to offer!'

Saying something now just looks like you're taking your ball back.

What’s your DSS opinion on all this? Is he aware his mother has kicked off and may be preventing his bride getting a good deal on a dress?

I have never heard of the groom's mother being involved in the bride's wedding dress!

I think you did a nice thing in offering your help seeing as though you are in the wedding dress industry, nothing to do with the familial relationship.

You did nothing wrong, she is being absurd.