Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset at exwife over wedding dress ????

60 replies

Scallywag1903 · 12/11/2018 21:49

Please feel free to express honesty - as I do understand this could be an emotive subject for some... ( eek!)
I have been with my husband for 24 years, 20 of them married. I have 1 DS, DH has 2 - DSD & DSS. I have always treated them as kindly as I could, refrained from expressing my thoughts and opinions over their conduct , comments and ignoring the animosity from the ex wife (tbh, she is dead feisty!!) My SC are actually great. My SS is getting married next year, his fiance is from China ( came to UK to study) she is an utter delight. They announced they were getting married, we were thrilled, and luckily I work with a huge Bridal Fashion house and look after their UK/European operation - so naturally I offered to help with dress. Now the shit hit the fan! OMG - Ex has gone bat shit loopy - DSD called to tell us how insensitive we have been, how dare we etc etc. It was just awful. I was shocked, but I have since thought about it and maybe I was insensitive??? I thought I was helping them financially, I actually told her to look for dresses with her own Mum in China, I can then see if we had anything similar?? I am pooping myself going to the wedding in case it all kicks off....or was it the right thing to do???

OP posts:
ShalomJackie · 12/11/2018 22:20

ShadowHuntress - are you the ex-wife? Grin

Original poster
Scallywag1903 · 12/11/2018 22:23

Thanks all - just thought I was going a bit mad for a minute there. I think it was the right thing to do, their loss.
and yes - they most probably can get a good dress in China much cheaper.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/11/2018 22:24

What is it with weddings that bring out the worst in people? My DP and I have recently got engaged and there's suddenly massive competition between my DM, my DP's DM and his SM.

I think it was a lovely offer OP, I would have really appreciated it. I would have understood a bit more if it was your DSD but the ex wife has no right to get stroppy over this.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/11/2018 22:28

Yanbu. Even if it were your DSD getting married. You made a kind offer. I don't know how some people manage with all their pent up angst and bitterness.

ExFury · 12/11/2018 22:31

If the ex wife dislikes you that much she’d likely have had a go at you if you said nothing. It would have all been “imagine her not even giving advice. Bet she would if it was her own child’s wedding” etc etc. You can’t win with folks like that

Gemini69 · 12/11/2018 22:32

I’m confused. What is it you are supposed to have done wrong?

I'm confused too... Confused

Honeyroar · 12/11/2018 22:32

I would tell DSD that you've completely understood, and when she gets married you absolutely will not, under any circumstances, offer to help her and her mother find a designer dress at a hugely discounted price.

I would also message the bride, bride's mother and DSS and apologise if you've caused them any upset or hassle through your offer. Say that you were only trying to help them save money, you had no other motive. (I bet they think the groom's mother is a nut. I'd be gutted to have had your offer and then my fiancé's mother wreck it!)

ButchyRestingFace · 12/11/2018 22:36

Has there been a lot of ... pandering to ex-wifie over the years, @ScallyWag1903?

Seeingadistance · 12/11/2018 22:40

Your, very kind and thoughtful, offer was made to the bride though, and your DSS. It has absolutely nothing to do with the bride's future mil and sil.

As long as your DSS and his fiancee are happy, I'd ignore the rest of them.

RibbonAurora · 12/11/2018 22:45

I think the ex-w has got the wrong end of the stick and thinks you're going wedding-dress shopping with her future DIL - you know that whole big bonding thing where the bride tries on dresses in a salon and Mum and select other female companions sit there awaiting the big reveal and go all misty-eyed at the bride's beauty when The Dress is found. Ex-W thinks, in the absence of the bride's own mother, it should be her fulfilling that role.

ICantThinkOfANewName · 12/11/2018 22:50

Ex and your SD are both out of line, your husband should talk to his daughter about it.

StoneofDestiny · 12/11/2018 23:00

sod em!

LightningOne · 12/11/2018 23:09

I don't think you've done anything wrong but when you are in the position you are (i.e. the current partner of her ex-husband), you'll always be seen as doing something wrong, purely out of her resentment/jealousy/her not being over her ex-husband no matter how much she may or may not say she is.

Bumbelinadance · 12/11/2018 23:10

You did a lovely thing yanbu to feel upset
Ex w sounds a nightmare , 24 years later ? Wow that’s a grudge
Dsd learned to be a diva somewhere

However I think if you can just say “ sorry if I have caused offence , it was far from my intention “ ( so not actually apologising ) then just put on your best smiley, dignified face and manner and “ step down gracefully “ it would be easier for the bride and groom

Wish you were my kids stepmum

DeaflySilence · 12/11/2018 23:11

You have all been 'blended' for a very long time, and that blend happens for the sake of the children. In your case the three step-siblings, who must have been together from a very young age.

Would you and your husband be okay for your step-children to offer their mother's services (or a maternal aunt/grandparent - someone on that side with a relevant skill or whatever) to do something quite significant to help your daughter-in-law-to-be (when the time comes) if your son was being married? If so, then there is your answer, and you shouldn't worry.

BewareOfDragons · 12/11/2018 23:11

Ex is batshit, and your SD is enabling the crazy.

You have done nothing wrong. in fact, you have been quite kind.

Ignore the crazy and let your DH deal with his ex.

Endofthelinefinally · 12/11/2018 23:18

Well, you will know not to interfere by offering any help when dsd wants a wedding dress...

Ignoramusgiganticus · 12/11/2018 23:22

"Well the offer is there" should cover it.

TruculentandFarty · 12/11/2018 23:26

"I would tell DSD that you've completely understood, and when she gets married you absolutely will not, under any circumstances, offer to help her and her mother find a designer dress at a hugely discounted price."

Love it!

StoppinBy · 12/11/2018 23:39

I am confused about what the problem here is. You are a part of the family and have been for a long time and you offered to get her a discount on something that is quite often a very pricey part of the wedding.

Seems pretty reasonable and normal to me, their reaction however I can't seem to find any justification for.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 12/11/2018 23:41

Their loss!

And you’ve done nothing wrong, you only offered which was a natural thing to do. You didn’t go barging in demanding to be number one parent.

Graciously step back, but be calm as you or your husband firmly tell anyone having a go to back off! No shouting or putting you down, that’s mean. The drama is to remind you that you are only SM and should ‘know your place’. Be less kind in the future if SS and SD give you a hard time. They don’t deserve too much kindness if they just rally with their feisty mothers anger at you.

Racecardriver · 12/11/2018 23:44

Yeah, so that’s really not a thing. The grooms mother doesn’t typically have any involvement in dress choosing so I really don’t see how you did anything wrong here. I feel sorry for the bride. Her MIL sounds hat shit.

Weezol · 12/11/2018 23:45

If the ex wife dislikes you that much she’d likely have had a go at you if you said nothing. It would have all been “imagine her not even giving advice. Bet she would if it was her own child’s wedding” etc etc. You can’t win with folks like that.

Yup, you're damned what ever you do. I don't think you have anything to apologise for.

ILoveHumanity · 12/11/2018 23:46

Do u and step daughter get on ?

Maybe there is a backstory to this ? Does she blame you for splitting her family ?

Perhaps she sees you as competing with her mum and undermining her existence ? Which probably at this stage when dil and mil are getting to adjust to each other is probably not a good thing to happen

nosleepforme · 12/11/2018 23:51

There are some people you can just never ever please, which is their problem with themselves, nothing to do with you. Sounds like ex is jealous that she can't give what you can (just like with dp, she "wasn't good enough"). Imo that is probably what's going through her head - her own problem!
Was so so kind of you, wish I would have gotten such an offer.
Ignore and DEFINITELY say that piece to dad about understanding and not extending the offer to her in the future. And please please let us know what her reaction is
After, recognise you are everything they are not and have what they can't - celebrate and laugh, don't stay upset, it's a waste of your successful life for someone who ain't happy with their life. Not. Your. Problem.

Swipe left for the next trending thread