1 day for my Mother's Death

[ICanEatWhat]

My Mum passed away 3 weeks ago today, very suddenly at only 58. We were extremely close as a small family so I'm utterly devastated. I had a call to tell me to get to the hospital from work at around 2 on a Monday. I informed my manager and I was told to take as much time as I needed. I took Tuesday, Wedsnesday and Thursday. As it happened I already had the Friday and following week booked as annual leave. I returned to work (too early, in hindsight) the Monday after my week's leave.

Roll on a week later and I now have the date for the funeral, next Thursday. I have asked for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday as annual leave to prepare (wake at my house), attend and grieve after the funeral, I just know I'd find going in on the Friday after extremely difficult. I've been granted the leave but I've also been told I need to "repay" 2 of the 3 compassionate leave days out of my annual leave as only 1 day compassionate leave is allowed. No mention of this to me at any point until I tried to book the funeral days off. It's also not mentioned in my contract and I can't find the company policy.

Is this normal? On the flip side my husband was given a week off followed by a week of half days, fully paid. I feel like 1 day to grieve a parent just isn't at all compassionate and it raises a red flag to me about how the company value their employees (we aren't talking a small company either)

So AIBU to be pissed off, undervalued and just a little bit sad about it?

That's very shitty.

This is why people go off with stress. You ARE under stress - get to the doc and get a line for a fortnight. Check through your company policies and if it says the manager has discretion then push them to reinstate your annual leave. If you have a union get them involved.

It’s one of those things, a bit like maternity leave, where the level you receive is reflective of how good your company is.

Companies are about profits at the end of the day and if they paid everyone a couple of weeks bereavement and 6 month maternity - suddenly that starts to add up.

My experience is that companies sort of expect people to get signed off sick with grief, which seems silly to me but it happens all the time. I’m sorry for your loss xx

So very sorry for your loss. I think a GP line is the way to go here. I lost my mum a few years ago, and had to do the same. Nobody can know when you’ll be ready to go back to work apart from you. You will need a bit of head space to grieve. Horrible that you’re having to worry about your job as well.
Please see your GP, get a line, and focus on yourself.X

I had a sick note (some years ago) which gave ‘acute grief’ as the reason for absence.
Condolences to you all x

We get 5 days, one day is near enough. I'd speak to HR after the funeral as this should have been pointed out straight away. Get signed off by the doctor for the funeral.

I am so, so sorry to hear this. At such a horrific time the last thing you need to be worried about is work and whether it's covered by annual leave or compassionate leave. Go to your doctor and get a sick note to cover you. Businesses can be so tied up in protocol that they lose sight of basic human decency and compassion. Sending lots of hugs and strength to get through such a difficult time.

It’s low. I’m sorry for your loss. Get signed off, there’s really very little they can do about that.

This. Do not spend any time or energy worrying about it. Sign off ill and deal with it later.

FWIW, I'd be very surprised if a policy limited compassionate leave to one day. I imagine that is someone's decision rather than a whole company policy. I would be annoyed and want to challenge that but I really think you have bigger fish to fry at the mo.

Hope it goes OK. Sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. They are behaving horribly.

Do you get paid sick pay? My brother in law had a similar situation, simply went in to GP explained the death and how it was emotionally affecting him and got signed off for 6 weeks.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

That’s terrible about the compassionate leave. I’d only been employed at my work for 3 weeks when my own mum died, also unexpectedly at age 56. But they gave me 3 weeks of compassionate leave. I think if I were you, I’d be considering my future with the company very carefully.

I’m sorry for your loss. One day is miserly. It doesn’t exactly breed good employee relations.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Seriously - go to the doctor and get signed off. I tried to go back to work too quickly after my Dad died and I nearly had a breakdown. I ended up signed off for 3 weeks. I think the provisions of compassionate leave in this country are a disgrace. The effects of bereavement - especially for a close family member - can be profound. I found it a challenge to just go and buy a pint of milk never mind go to work. Those 3 weeks off were absolutely necessary and made the world of difference. It's all very well employers expecting staff to go back to work quickly but really, how productive are they going to be when dealing with such loss?

That's awful. My mum died 3 years ago and my work were wonderful. Officially we get up to five days compassionate leave but I was in hospital with mum when she was dying, had a couple of extra days and then went in until the funeral when I was off for another couple of days.

I wasn't asked to repay any extra and colleagues lined up to cover a work trip for me that i just didn't feel up to.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are also having to deal with this

So sorry for your loss OP.

I've had a couple of team members lose parents. Each time they took a couple of days as compassionate leave and I encouraged them to see a doctor and be signed off for as long as needed beyond that.

You should not be required to use annual leave for this, if you do see a doctor ask them to backdate the fit note so you get your annual leave days back. Again, so sorry to you and your dad.

I lost my mum at a similar age. I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’ve had to deal with not being looked after properly by your work. Not what you need right now 💐

Ask to see the employee handbook/your contract which outlines these rules.

I got stung over a family death because I tookk too much time off, and plain as day In the handbook it advises the times given for compassionate day - so my own fault for not checking I guess, but it was an unexpected death and I was only 17.

It should say in documents somewhere!

Also, sorry for your loss OP

Yanbu
How awful of your line manager to insist on this!
What are your sick pay provisions? Because you could submit a sick line for stress, and you would have the time off with no issue.
That's what I'd be doing in your shoes.
I'm so sorry for your loss... you poor girl ❤️

Go and get yourself signed off by the GP. Many companies have pathetically few days to which you are entitled but when I was in the position of being the boss I told people that they should take as long as they needed regardless.

I'd see your GP. My Mum was signed off for a month when my Dad died quite suddenly (aged 52).

Sending lots of love , sorry to hear of your loss xxx

Sounds way too low. I think we give 5 days for immediate family but can give 2 weeks paid leave if we want to (managers discretion).
But for aunts/uncles I think it’s 0 days. Grandparents 1 day. So for previous poster who said her manager felt guilty about no compassionate leave for her aunt, I don’t think any company would give you CL as you could have an infinite number of aunts/uncles - I’ve got (or did have) 18!

I got 1 day and had to ask governors for permission to attend. Headteacher got 3 weeks. He said 'we all are treated the same' (I don't think so).

I can only but support the views of everyone else here - see your GP and get signed off for as long as you need. I was in a similar situation last year and was signed off for six weeks due to the sudden death of my dad. It was only about one month after my dad died that it all really hit me and I had a major melt down. I was certainly in no for state to be at work. XXX

OP - I set out the ACAS commentary below. From which it seems that compassionate leave is determined by your contract (or employer’s discretion, I guess, if contract doesn’t provide for compassionate leave) but that you can exercise your statutory right to depandant leave

“Compassionate leave: Taking time off for a bereavement

When someone close dies, the last thing most people want to do is trawl through their contract of employment to see whether they are entitled to any compassionate leave. Neither would most people relish the prospect of an awkward conversation with a line manager, having to explain who died in order to justify a short period away.

All employees are entitled to 'time off for dependants'. This is a reasonable amount of unpaid time off to deal with unforeseen matters and emergencies involving a dependant, including leave to arrange or attend a funeral. A 'dependant' could be a spouse, partner, child, parent or anyone living in the household. It could also be someone who relies on an employee for their care or for help during an emergency, such as an elderly neighbour.

But what if the deceased is not a dependant? Many employers do have a policy for compassionate leave, which employees can find in their contracts or company handbooks. Experts maintain that writing paid compassionate bereavement leave into a contract can be a major support to employees, and have a long-term positive impact on their relationship with employers. Having a scheme in place is also helpful for managers, who can fall back on written policy and are spared the ordeal of having to assess the seriousness of the situation themselves.

Without such a scheme, it is up to employers to use their discretion, being as reasonable and as consistent as possible. Managers will have to have an eye on what the custom and practice has been in the past and apply precedents fairly and consistently. Even so, employees cannot expect to be granted leave automatically. When leave isn't granted, they may have to use their holiday allowance.

Acas can give advice on Bereavement in the workplace and all aspects of leave-taking, including Time off for dependants. Acas also offers training courses on Human resources management for beginners, which covers how to deal with leave procedures.

Visit the Acas Training Courses, Workshops and Projects area for more information.”

I hope this gives you another avenue to look at

YANBU OP. I’m so sorry for your loss. As others have said before me, different companies have different policies for bereavement. My mum was allowed three
Days when my dad passed on. She had to take the rest as sick and holiday. My work just told me to take my time and after two weeks they rang to ask how I was and would like to proceed (return to work or stay off) so I was signed off sick by the doctors.
I really do think a lot of employers in this country haven’t got a heart about bereavement.

It makes me angry when some companies have such mean-spirited. Don’t they realise it’s entirely counter-productive. I work in senior management and would always be generous when it came to setting leave policy in the event of a close relative’s death.