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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

1 day for my Mother's Death

82 replies

ICanEatWhat · 12/11/2018 19:37

My Mum passed away 3 weeks ago today, very suddenly at only 58. We were extremely close as a small family so I'm utterly devastated. I had a call to tell me to get to the hospital from work at around 2 on a Monday. I informed my manager and I was told to take as much time as I needed. I took Tuesday, Wedsnesday and Thursday. As it happened I already had the Friday and following week booked as annual leave. I returned to work (too early, in hindsight) the Monday after my week's leave.

Roll on a week later and I now have the date for the funeral, next Thursday. I have asked for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday as annual leave to prepare (wake at my house), attend and grieve after the funeral, I just know I'd find going in on the Friday after extremely difficult. I've been granted the leave but I've also been told I need to "repay" 2 of the 3 compassionate leave days out of my annual leave as only 1 day compassionate leave is allowed. No mention of this to me at any point until I tried to book the funeral days off. It's also not mentioned in my contract and I can't find the company policy.

Is this normal? On the flip side my husband was given a week off followed by a week of half days, fully paid. I feel like 1 day to grieve a parent just isn't at all compassionate and it raises a red flag to me about how the company value their employees (we aren't talking a small company either)

So AIBU to be pissed off, undervalued and just a little bit sad about it?

OP posts:
IAmNotLikeThem · 12/11/2018 20:01

It may well be normal, but so what. If they don’t leave you to come back when you are ready then what’s their point?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/11/2018 20:07

I had the week off when my dad died and the day for funeral- I then worked somewhere else where the policy (as with a lot of places) was time off for immediate family only. A colleagues friend died and she came in because she couldn’t loose the pay, she couldn’t stop crying and looked terrible, needless to say they sent her home and paid her.

Missingstreetlife · 12/11/2018 20:09

Should be special leave, but can top up with sick note. Look at your contract, hr documents

SassitudeandSparkle · 12/11/2018 20:10

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I think around 4 or 5 days is normal and you'll have used 4 days with the first period of leave and the company has obviously thought about 1 day for the funeral, leaving you to take holiday for the other 2 days around the funeral that you requested.

Have you asked if you can take them unpaid instead?

Hope things go as well as they can next week for you all, OP.

Missingstreetlife · 12/11/2018 20:10

You could take annual leave or unpaid, but why should you
Sorry for your loss

Original poster
ICanEatWhat · 12/11/2018 20:10

Just to confirm it's one day compassionate leave, not 3 and nothing for the funeral.

Thank you so much for your replies, I also looked up online and between 3-5 seemed to be the norm. I have my employment contract in front of me and there's no mention of it at all. I've searched the employee website where all the policies are held and can only find a mention regarding our American division of 3-5 days. I will be asking HR tomorrow, I just feel sad about it all and don't need the extra stress. I have so much to do, it's only my Dad and I so we are doing the funeral arrangements, I don't know how anyone could get that all done in one day if they didn't have annual leave left or couldn't afford to take unpaid leave!

OP posts:
nozzel · 12/11/2018 20:11

I cannot offer any advice, but so sorry for your loss x

Eviecee · 12/11/2018 20:17

The company I work for gives unpaid compassionate leave only. You are not being unreasonable at all, but I doubt there's anything you can do about it unfortunately

BakedBeans47 · 12/11/2018 20:17

YANBU

there’s no legal requirement but a lot of employers IME would give a reasonable amount of paid compassionate leave, especially for the death of a mum.

It may be worth getting signed off, albeit if you don’t get paid for that either it might be really onerous on you financially too. It’s a crying shame to have to use all your holiday for this.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Flowers

elliejjtiny · 12/11/2018 20:18

It's fairly normal I think but awful at the same time, I'm sorry. When my dad died I was a sahm so got nothing. Dh was allowed to work from home on the day he died and took a day of annual leave for the funeral. So I had to carry on as normal, doing school runs, hospital appointments and looking after a baby, toddler and 2 school age dc's. Dc were allowed 2 days off school.

bourbonbiccy · 12/11/2018 20:18

It is just devastating when you loose your mum, I lost my beautiful, funny mum in March quite suddenly, and it has absolutely destroyed me. I have posted previously that I am a SAHM to my DS who is now 15 months and I seriously respect everyone who has gone back to their jobs so quickly. If I didn't have my son, I would probably still just be in bed crying or worse.

Unfortunately in these cases I think it falls to your contract, but 1 day for loosing your mum is just disgusting, even 5 days doesn't seem a lot but understandable from a business perspective. I know a lot of places it are lovely and it falls to discretion - I got a bloody week off paid in my last job when our dog died for gods sake !!!
I would go and get signed off from the doctor as this is a genuine case where you simply need more time.

A massive hug and hand hold being sent.

Aragog · 12/11/2018 20:18

Ah, OK. I misread the OP then. I had initially thought the initial three days were part of the compassionate leave.

So, yes 1 day is very low. If there is northing in your contract and work policies that is difficult too. You definitely need to speak with HR and clarify.

I guess the alternative is to speak to your GP.

Calamityjac · 12/11/2018 20:21

I am so sorry for your loss. At my last place of work, they didn’t give you any time off you had to take it as holidays!! My colleagues dad died very suddenly and she took 2 weeks off as she had to arrange the funeral etc. She phoned work and told them she would be taking 2 weeks off, they said that was fine, she wasn’t to rush back. She went back and a few months later put in for annual leave, and they told her she didn’t have any time left, as she had taken the time off former dad dying!!! They never even said anything to her at the time for it being classed as holidays, and that was when we knew you had to take it as holiday time!

Holdingonbarely · 12/11/2018 20:22

100% get signed off by your doctor.
Unless you’re a fucking life saving surgeon I don’t see how it’s that important for them
And I would think about your future with such a cunt if an employer

Moussemoose · 12/11/2018 20:27

Getting sign off sick in these circumstances is not "throwing a sickie".

You are I imagine acutely stressed, you are suffering emotional trauma, mental health is as important as physical health.

Go and see your GP.

Original poster
ICanEatWhat · 12/11/2018 20:27

Sorry, I've confused some people. The 3 days for the funeral next week is coming out of my annual leave, the 3 days I had off initially when she did was shown as compassionate leave on my time sheet when I returned to work, however I was told today I needed to repay two of those days as the policy states only 1 day of compassionate leave is allowable. So altogether I'll have taken 6 days but 5 of those will be annual leave or unpaid and only 1 allowed as compassionate.

Thanks again for all of your lovely replies, honestly the funeral next week might push me over the edge to bring signed off anyway! It still doesn't feel quite real yet Sad

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 12/11/2018 20:27

Condolences to you.
Where I have worked before, all compassionate leave is at manager's discretion.
When my Dad died, (I was 22) I just went home for the week, on return was told I was only entitled to x3 days, but manager would allow the 5.
Fast forward many years to different employer. My aunt died and we had to organise funeral, will, visit solicitor, attend funeral, clear house etc as she had no other family, I was not allowed any CL at all, as she was not immediate family, ended up taking just 2 days AL. When my mother died 6 months later, I obviously expected very little. Took 3 days initially. Went back in, and worked the rest of the week. Funeral was over a week later, requested day off AL and was unexpectedly given day as CL from manager who had denied any to me 6 months previously (and this was in mental health setting!). Then requested AL day off 5 months later for inquest, and was amazed to be given another day CL again, when I'd not asked for it. Perhaps it was guilt, perhaps it was because she knew I was just one of those carry on anyway types.
For me, going back in quite early was the best thing. First day back in is going to be hard no matter if it is after 3 days or 3 months.
Once again, my condolences. Do what is right for you and go back when you feel ready.

Moussemoose · 12/11/2018 20:29

The funeral may "push you over the edge" because YOU ARE ILL.

Go and see your GP you are not well and you need to look after your mental health.

mineofuselessinformation · 12/11/2018 20:31

Many companies have very severe absences policies sadly.
I'm with all of the others saying see your GP and get signed off for at least a week.

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 12/11/2018 20:32

No advice here either I’m afraid but I’m sorry to hear about your mum x x

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/11/2018 20:33

You should have a policy that covers leave. The policy should cover all types of leave or annual, special, compassionate, adoption. HR should be able to send you this. It's much more standard to have 3 + days of compassionate leave for this situation. Take care and I'm sorry for your loss.

bumblenbean · 12/11/2018 20:36

So sorrry to hear about your mum Flowers

Although it is normal and I’m sure perfectly legal, 1 day for a close family member seems incredibly mean. There is no way I would be back at work after one day. I would be in complete pieces.

As PPs say definitely ask the doctor to sign you off. Failing that, at the very least they should let you take unpaid leave.

Good luck OP Flowers

Caterinaballerina · 12/11/2018 20:40

Get yourself signed off sick definitely. The doctor may also be able to back date the note so that you were sick rather than on any sort of leave. This is where companies lose out, if they had a more generous or sensitive policy people wouldn’t be forced to get signed off, but I bet none of your colleagues would begrudge you doing just that. I am sorry for your loss

birdsnotbees · 12/11/2018 20:41

Business owner here. Our policy states 5 days, in reality I'd offer 2-3 weeks, and cut an awful lot of slack thereafter. And ours is a small business, so it's not easy when people aren't in - but then I don't want people in work who aren't fit. From a business perspective it makes no sense; from a moral perspective... it's just not right.

KaroB · 12/11/2018 20:42

I have heard that the symptoms of bereavement & depression are extremely similar (learned while suffering from depression last year) & can't really imagine being in a fit state to work for several weeks after a close family death. Friends of mine suffered a stillborn & got signed of for 2-3 weeks by GP so that they had some time to grieve & even that was pretty tough for them. If you don't feel up to working definitely consider going to the GP for an absence from work/reduced hours note - taking a bit longer now will hopefully help you get stronger sooner in the long term - & your health & sanity are much more important than work (& looking after them will make you a better employee too!) xx

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