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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I’m so unlikable?

67 replies

WeirdHandDryers · 12/11/2018 12:11

Could never make friends at school, wasn’t bullied but was one of those kids that the others rolled their eyes at.
had a couple of friends at uni but we’ve fallen out of touch.
I have no friends at work.

The lack of friends doesn’t bother me as such as I’m a loner anyway but this morning, went into the office, was blanked completely by one member of staff ... thought fair enough ... as I was walking out, another member of staff was walking towards me, she pulled a face and avoided eye contact as she walked past. Never said a word. I smiled at her and even that wasn’t returned. I’ve had no crossed words with anyone.
Why?!
It makes me not want to work as I don’t want to be around anyone. Fair enough if I’m disliked but I’d st least like to know why?
Sorry for the rant, feeling fed up and pissed off.

OP posts:
CuckooCuckooClock · 12/11/2018 12:14

What do your colleagues do if you say hello to them?

Ginslinger · 12/11/2018 12:14

If this is happening all the time then I would ask people directly why they don't engage with you. If it's just from time to time then they're probably just absorbed in themselves

ButchyRestingFace · 12/11/2018 12:15

Your colleagues are crossing the line into unpleasant and unprofessional behaviour.

Do you chat with other staff at work, make small talk, etc? How do those interactions go?

Singlenotsingle · 12/11/2018 12:17

Are they a bit shy? I often find that people make eye contact and smile, but I don't respond in time so then it's too late, and they've gone.

Can't you go up to them at their desk, say something nice and smile? See how they respond.

pippistrelle · 12/11/2018 12:19

How rude your colleagues are. But I think it's telling that you assume that there's something wrong with you, rather than something wrong with them.

Also bear in mind that work isn't really about friendships. That doesn't mean you can't be on good terms with people, but you won't necessarily find your people there.

(At work this morning, I was in first, and no one spoke to me until about 10 minutes ago. I have no reason to believe they don't like me but they're not my mates.)

That said, I do understand that sometimes these things can just get to you.

hellojim · 12/11/2018 12:20

The colleagues you mention sound unprofessional and rude. Are things more civilised with other colleagues?

greendale17 · 12/11/2018 12:22

The common denominator here is you. They only way to find out why is to ask other people that know you.

OldSpeclkledHen · 12/11/2018 12:24

Are you me lol?

I'm just socially shit. Never know what to say to people.

I do have friends that I meet up and talk too, I've just come to realise (last week!) that I have nothing in common with my work colleagues. It's no great loss to anyone.

DaffoDeffo · 12/11/2018 12:25

have you got dcs? and do you find any of them difficult?

I don't mean to sound rude but it was only on having dcs that I realised how I might be coming across (and dh at the time, said the same thing).

We are a family that is used to debating stuff fiercely. It's only when your dcs do it back to you that you realise how confrontational it is and also one of the dcs was v v quick in conversation/discussions which was alienating people who weren't so quick witted Grin. We were also all doing that thing where you talk about yourself a lot without asking about others (which is mistake101 in trying to make friends).

I don't know if anyone will tell you why they don't like you but it is definitely worth analysing your behaviour to try and figure out why. I kick myself that I didn't do it sooner.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/11/2018 12:29

Are you not the op who posted about being out with your friends last week and you left them using the hand dryer?

Notthatsimple · 12/11/2018 12:32

Ha! I really want to know what was going ON with that hand drying thing!

bobstersmum · 12/11/2018 12:32

I once went to work at a new place where there was an established clique. They were awful nasty grown women! They told each other to ignore me and not help me, it was a 12 hour shift so was very hard and lonely. I am a friendly person I talk to anyone and everyone, they had no need to treat me like that. After some months of this nastiness some of them started to speak to me, and I made good friends with two of them, they told me that it was the older two senior workers that had instructed them to not speak to me, they said how sorry they were. I still don't know why they decided to hate me. I have never experienced anything like that again or before so it was definitely them not me.
How long have you been there op?

recklessruby · 12/11/2018 12:37

Are your work colleagues some sort of clique that was formed before you started?
Rolling their eyes and blanking you sounds like year 9 behaviour! Are you all the same age group?
I find at work the older colleagues tend to stick together although they are not rude and do talk to me.
Do they all Go out drinking together after work?
Is there one colleague who is a bit quieter who you could maybe have lunch with?
I was a shy kid and thought people didn't like me. Turns out they thought I was stand offish and not interested in friendships.
Nowadays I m more confident and chat to anyone but I work with lovely people.
Maybe you come across and not very interested in them? Maybe make an effort to join in the gossip about tv/celeb news (I know it's not my thing either).

Pheasantplucker2 · 12/11/2018 12:56

OP - I don't want to armchair diagnose you, but if you have persistent issues with friendships, have you considered looking into an assessment for ASD? Some of the things you mentioned in your post - struggling to make friends at school, not able to keep friendships - are things that have been flagged up for my daughter, who has just been assessed (not diagnosed) as on the spectrum.

There are lots of online tests that you can do yourself to see if you score highly enough to look into it further.

Women are brilliant at masking it, but persistent social communication issues is an obvious marker.

I am only mentioning it, because it had never occurred to me that this was the reason for my daughter's ongoing social struggles - she really can't read body language and so doesn't know how to make small chat or insert herself into a conversation.

Apologies if I'm way off the mark, but just thought I'd mention it.

bobstersmum · 12/11/2018 12:58

Did we find out what was going on with the hand drying?

Fairenuff · 12/11/2018 13:09

as I was walking out, another member of staff was walking towards me, she pulled a face and avoided eye contact as she walked past

Maybe you have a strong body odour?

PollyPelargonium52 · 12/11/2018 13:14

Would it worth having a chat with your line manager for some objective feedback at all?

Are you quirky? Nothing wrong with that. So am I . I am told I am but don't mind.

Do you fit in in the team?

PollyPelargonium52 · 12/11/2018 13:15

If you are on the spectrum it won't change your ability to make friends but might shed some light.

blueshoes · 12/11/2018 13:17

Do you have siblings, parents or close relatives who can give you an honest opinion?

Your colleagues' behaviour is very rude and if everyone does that to you, I would consider it bullying and a hostile work environment.

CallMeRachel · 12/11/2018 13:20

But why would op having ASD cause people at work to ignore and roll their eyes at her?

Why is that her fault?

Perhaps the work colleagues have Bi Polar?

Seaweed42 · 12/11/2018 13:23

I doubt you are 'as bad' as you might think you are. How much is this a problem for you? Do you worry about not having friends, and do you spend a bit of time worrying are you 'likeable' or not. Would you like more friends?
Sometimes it's about what happens when you have these sorts of thoughts. Does it make you go inside yourself and become uncommunicative, or do you actively try to start some conversations or exchange pleasantries. Sometimes we are so worried about being a loner that we don't notice we have blanked half the people in the office, and then don't go to lunch because you had the thought 'no one likes me anyway' and that stopped you.

happypoobum · 12/11/2018 13:23

But you went out with friends the other night? Not stalking you, just remember from your username as it described that issue......

Have you asked your DH what he thinks the issues could be? Surely he knows you well and could give more targeted advice than a load of internet strangers?

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 12/11/2018 13:24

You might want to visit HR, and a) get this off your chest b) ask what they advise?

If you have an asd, then much of their behaviour might make sense. They sound fucking awful to me. Speak to your family. What do they think? Make an appointment with your gp.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 12/11/2018 13:27

If you all sit together then start the morning with a "good morning" as you get to your seat. We all do this on our team and you get one or two responses. Maybe ask a question like an update on something that happened the previous day.

Alternatively ask your line manager for a meeting and raise your concerns that colleagues are actively ignoring you in the office. What happens if you ask them a work-related question? Surely they don't ignore you.

Tara336 · 12/11/2018 13:33

I worked in a very tight knit group in my last company. We were very shocked when a new employee said we were clicky! That was something we would never deliberately have done. But we had just lost a close colleague in a work accident and that affected us all deeply. The new person came in was loud, rude and pushy and was very vocal in talking about other staff members in a negative way. It was bad timing on their part when the team was low and they we’re ridng roughshod over everyone.