To wonder why I’m so unlikable?

[WeirdHandDryers]

Could never make friends at school, wasn’t bullied but was one of those kids that the others rolled their eyes at.
had a couple of friends at uni but we’ve fallen out of touch.
I have no friends at work.

The lack of friends doesn’t bother me as such as I’m a loner anyway but this morning, went into the office, was blanked completely by one member of staff ... thought fair enough ... as I was walking out, another member of staff was walking towards me, she pulled a face and avoided eye contact as she walked past. Never said a word. I smiled at her and even that wasn’t returned. I’ve had no crossed words with anyone.
Why?!
It makes me not want to work as I don’t want to be around anyone. Fair enough if I’m disliked but I’d st least like to know why?
Sorry for the rant, feeling fed up and pissed off.

I'm another one who struggled to make friends at school, and it is actually a form of bullying to be excluded. It's very hard to cope with, and, very sadly, I'm now seeing my DD1 (now 9) going through it too. In her case, it's in marked contrast to her younger sister (6), who is one of the most popular girls in her class.

I can't really give you any advice other than to be yourself and don't give this too much headspace. Sometimes you can read into things stuff that isn't really there. I'm quite reserved with people I don't know now and this might come across as standoffish, though it wouldn't be the intention.

But at work, or in my case the school gate, people have their minds on their own lives/problems and chances are, they're not thinking about you at all. Though that colleague you refer to who pulled a face and averted her eyes does sound rude.

I was socially excluded at school, and of course, the more you're excluded, the less chance you have to practise and develop your social skills, and the further behind your peers you get.

Things I've learned to avoid doing:

1. don't wait for others to make the first approach. If you're sitting silent in a corner, people will assume you're not interesting, and won't talk to you. Smile and say "hello".
2. don't assume it's all about you. Someone may behave offhandedly to you because they're worrying about something else, and you've just hit a bad moment.
3. if you're serious-minded, or you find it hard to understand things that you've not experienced, be very careful the questions you ask of others. Your well-meaning attempts to understand what makes other people tick may come over as intrusive and rude
4. don't over-think - you may have inadvertently upset someone, but chances are they'll forget it sooner than you do.
5. don't be too literal in your interpretation. If someone says "what do you think of this dress/ meal I've cooked/thing I've made/new boyfriend?" the only acceptable answer is "it's (he's) lovely".

IME there are a few common reasons a person is disliked at work:

Body odour- do you shower before work and wear clean clothes daily? Do you use anti-perspirant? Do you smell of pets/smoke/strong perfume?

Do you dress in a way that fits in? One of my colleagues wears tight mini dresses, heels and heavy make up in a dept where everyone else favours modest, practical clothes. She does get sneered at a bit.

Do you invade others space or interrupt them?

Do you talk about yourself a lot? We have a colleague who talks about herself and never asks anyone how they are.

Do you pull your weight at work? I've known resentment build when someone doesn't work productively or spends all their time gossiping (this obviously doesn't apply to you!) or otherwise shirks their responsibilities. Hope you're able to sort out what is bothering you.

I think sometimes it can be a bit self fulfilling. If you’re expecting people to dislike you then you can be a bit half hearted in your hellos and attempts and freindliness, in effect you’re rejecting them before they do it to you.

You can also unintentionally seek out situations that confirm this opinion you hold of yourself, whereas a person with good self esteem would be hot footing it out of that workplace, you stay because you think it’s normal, it’s not. Recognise its their behaviour that’s not nice, not you and start looking for a job with nicer colleagues.
I seriously doubt there’s anything wrong with you, you just need to get out and mix with more people - get some hobbies and work on your self esteem and then the friends will follow.

OP - how would people who know you describe you? Close family etc
Sorry that your colleagues are like this. Hopefully you can gain some insight.

Are you very attractive?

Are you sure it's them and not you? When someone says Good Morning it is polite to at least respond with the same back. They sound bad-mannered to me. I'm sure you deserve a nicer job with nicer people.

Sometimes if one has started thinking this way, it can become a bit of a self fulfilling proficy, if you know what I mean, OP?

It's difficult for us to judge the situation but I agree with @OneStepSideways those those are the main reasons I can think of.

I think it could well be them, a lot of places are very cliquey and if your anyway different or new they just don't want to know.
I wouldn't worry too much and would leave them to it. You are there to earn your money not to be making friends really.
I've known really horrible people at work be well thought of. I think theres often bullying going on at work so if one person isn't struck on you then everyone joins in especially if they are a boss.

Are you at all critical of the job or the organization? Places don't like that, even when the job is a joke, you have to be seen to be very positive about it.

I'm a bit like this, I'm very quiet around lots of people, I wouldn't say I'm shy just more of an observer I guess and I think people get that maybe ur a lil stand offish and makes them act in the same way..
My DS is now in year 5 and I have not one friend/associate I have made through school runs etc

What happens when you say hello to colleagues, do they ignore you?

It can sometimes be a lack of awareness of others. People get absorbed in their little bubble and are not interested in getting to know anyone else. This is why cliques develop and it can be very lonely if you're the one on the outside.

But usually you're not the only one not included in the clique and might be feeling left out. The key, I've found in the past, is to generally give the vibe of being approachable and friendly. The photocopier can be a good place for a quick hello /or a moan if the paper gets stuck, for example. Or you can chat briefly when making a cup of tea. This is where ' small talk' comes in useful - e.g. the weather, traffic etc.

You can offer to make the tea for others you're working with as well.

You mustn't chat to people when they're clearly busy working, however, that soon gets you a bad reputation for slacking.

If you were the OP reporting strange hand drying behaviour:

Maybe you didn't join in with their compulsory hand drying ritual.

Or maybe they are on Mumsnet and saw your post.

Agree with a lot of the advice in particular @MereDintofPandiculation

Ime expecting people to talk to you never ends well. Best tactic is to plaster a big fake smile on your face, don't wait to "feel in the mood", just agressively shout MORNING! as you walk in the office, look people in the eye, ask inane er sorry polite generic questions like "How was your weekend?" "How was your evening?" "Traffic was heavy on XX road, how did you find it getting in?" Don't let them get away with a 1 word answer, ask them another question to follow up and only then slink to your seat..

The questions are best learned by watching "sociable" people do it. It's always a "how was it" type of question never a yes/no type affair.

I still fuck it up frequently as I was raised to believe personal questions is rude and personal questions is pretty much any question.. but to other people to NOT ask them is rude

There could be 100 reasons or you could be totally imagining it.

Are you good looking by any chance? or politically extreme?

What happens when you say good morning to them, or do you wait for them to say hi to you first? How does it go if you make small talk?

Is there any chance the colleague who walked by you was in their own head thinking about a stressful work project which is why they made a face, rather than it being directed at you? I do that sometimes, If I’m thinking about stressful or difficult things my face shows it.

OP look at this thread.

You have 46 messages and you've ignored them all.

🤣

Lol I’ve not ignored the posts, I’ve been busy.
To answer some questions - I do think I’m on the spectrum, have thought so for years and always score highly on the online tests.
I’m not really good looking, quite plain really and don’t wear make-up. My uniform is too big for me as I’m sensitive to fabric being close to my skin so maybe I look scruffy but I don’t think I smell.
DH describes me as quirky but can’t elaborate.
My family describe me as odd “but in a good way”. I never gossip about people. The hand drying thing was old uni friends on a rare meet up.
I don’t hold extreme political views.
If I say hello to people at work, some will say the same back, most will offer an awkward smile, some completely ignore me.
I’m a holiday photo facebooker, maybe that’s the issue. I’m quite financially comfortable and work for pocket money (holiday spending money) rather than paying bills. Maybe it upsets people?
Some people might think I’m stuck up because I’m quiet and don’t go on nights outs? Could be a million reasons I suppose. It only bothers me when they make it obvious.

I still say this is something your line manager can feed back to you on.

Do you tell everyone you work for pocket money? A new lady started in my department like this last year and made sure we all knew it. Every other sentence was how much her husband made, how many designer bags she had, her new kitchen, how this was money "for her" and she was spending her whole pay packet on herself as a treat - while the rest of us struggled to get by on our low wage. It was a very quick way to alienate herself from the rest of us.