To feel upset that my closest friend hasn't been in touch since I told her my sister is going to die *possible trigger*

[Floottoot]

Just that, really.

My sister was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer out of the blue in August. She started chemo, seemed to be doing ok and then things suddenly started to go wrong and at the beginning of this week, we were told that there was nothing more that could be done for her. She was moved from hospital to her home yesterday, by ambulance, to spend what little time she has left at home. She is unable to eat and they have stopped feeding her, so it's only a matter of time now.
As a family, we are completely heartbroken, not least because she loves in a different part of the country to me, my mum and my other siblings and she doesn't feel she wants to see us before she does (she's already very weak and bed-bound, and she doesn't want us to see her like that).

I messaged my closest friend what was happening as soon as I found out. She didn't really say much (I get it - it's not easy to know what to say), but she hasn't been in touch at all since. Not a word. Nothing.
We've been best friends for years, talk all the time on messenger, see each other regularly (she lives less than 15 minutes from me) etc, so it is not normal behaviour from her.
Other friends have messaged, if only to let me know they're thinking of me.

At such a bloody awful time, it seems ridiculous that I'm dwelling on whether someone's messaged me or not...but I am. I've found myself feeling more and more angry as the days have gone and still no word from her. I've always done my best to be there for her, as I have for all my friends, always celebrated her family's highs and tried to help her though the lows, so I just feel hurt by her silence.

I'm being unreasonable, aren't I?

It's shocking to think your sister could have passed already and she wouldn't know.

This happened to me. Very close loved one was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and the next 6 months were a blur of appointments and chemo. I was in constant text contact with my BF so she was fully aware, but it was becoming increasingly one way. She had been badgering me for years to move back home, and now here I was back home, forced by circumstance, and she rarely initiated contact. I was confused.

The last text I sent her was "she's gone into a hospice today, we're all shattered, I could definitely use a pint if you're around"

I didn't hear from her and at that point I decided I would wait to see how long it took her to text me. I didn't hear from her for months, even though she literally passed by my folks house to go to work every day and would have seen my car there all the time.

Several months later, on New Years, I got a cheery text "Happy New Year! Gosh it's been ages! We must meet up soon! "

The funeral had been 2 months before.

I answered "Happy New Year to your family" and not one more word. Fuck that shit.

So sorry for what you're going through, OP.

Some people just don't know how to deal with other people's "big stuff". It doesn't mean they're unkind, or thoughtless, or uncaring, they literally don't know, and kind of freeze. When one of my neighbours lost a teenage child in an accident, he told me that people he'd known all his life crossed the street to avoid having to talk to him about it. I resolved always to say something, even if it was something clumsy or awkward.

And for some people it's a big trigger for stuff of their own, and they simply daren't give it headspace.

My friend lost her husband to cancer a few years ago, and she can't bear to hear the word or anything to do with cancer. She switches channels if there's anything about it on tv and leaves the room if anyone mentions it. It's as though it puts her back in the place she was in when she lost him. She withdraws completely. If DP or I were diagnosed with cancer, I wouldn't tell her.

Hearing nothing doesn't necessarily mean your friend doesn't care.

OP sorry you are having to go through this with your sister
Another one with personal experience when friends don’t come through when the shit hits the fan. Two of my closet friends didn’t come through for me this year when I had back to back bereavements. I learnt the hard way that I had in fact been the giver in those relationships. It’s incredible hurtful and makes you question yourself. Like you, I never expected anyone to uproot their life but a text would have been sufficient especially as I know I’d been there for them in the bad times.

I’m learning to relax about it and take a backseat in the relationship with these two people, without thinking AIBU not respond immediately to their requests or wanting to now meet up, now the dust has settled a bit.

YANBU take care of yourself, try and persuade your sister to let you come. I would say that one of my family members who passed away, had been ill for some months but towards the end he only wanted to have things quiet and peaceful with his wife. He didn’t want to deal with anyone else’s tears and sadness and as much as that was hard for us, I kind of think at that stage of his life he had the right to dictate terms and do it his way.

I'm so sorry, YANBU x

Exact same thing happened to me with my friend when my mum had a really serious heart attack. I text her whilst we were waiting for news in the hospital and then text her when he got home to tell her my mum survived and was now stable. She then didn't text or phone me at all and before I knew it 6 weeks had gone by. I've never understood why

When people show you who they are, believe them

YANBU at all. Some friend she is.

YANBU. When my mother died unexpectedly, but after being ill on and off for a couple of years, I phoned several friends, leaving the phone number at my mother's house where I would be for a couple of weeks. The only one who didn't reply (I had left a message on her ansaphone) was my so called closest friend. After a month without any contact I texted and we arranged to meet. She spent the whole time moaning about her "relationship" with a Guy who was actually cheating on his girlfriend with her.

Our friendship limped on for a few years, when her father died she expected everyone to drop everything for her, but we haven't spoken now for about 3 years. My only regret us that I didn't ditch her at the time.

Personally I wouldn't contact your friend again. Anything she says or does now will annoy you, and you need all your energy for your sister.

Your friend may have an issue in stepping up when she's needed in a difficult situation. But that's her problem, not yours, and if it means she's the kind of friend you no longer need or want then so be it.

Some people just don't have the strength, character, will - call it what you like - to be with a friend in the darkest of times. How you feel about that is up to you. If it ends the friendship then that's fine.

That is so hurtful. She may feel awkward and not know what to say, but really even a text is better than nothing.

I'm so sorry. I had similar when my mum died, and then you do find out who your really good friends are. And it can be a shock.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's an awful time. Don't waste anymore headspace on her. Hopefully talking through it with us has helped you put it behind you.

So sad to hear people's stories of feeling let down by friends during the toughest times.
to all those who have been through it.

PandorasBag, I think you are spot on. Any kind of communication is better than none, and surely not beyond even those people who struggle with emotional issues. It's just good manners, surely? I can understand it being difficult to speak face to face with someone who's been through hell, but it's not difficult to buy a card, write something heartfelt and post it. ( The understandable exception is the case of the person who lost their DH to cancer and couldn't deal with other people going through it).

Even if, let's say, my friend is struggling because she's imagining how she'd feel in my position, I still can't help but feel it's hurtful thay she's not been in touch at all. Am I to expect that, once my sister has died and a reasonable time has passed, my friend will just go back to telling me all about her week, and we'll never speak of it again?
I can't do that. I can't suppress my emotions and feelings because someone who is supposedly a close friend can't deal with their emotions.

I knew some people who lost a child and someone sent a card saying "I don't know what to say"

But they sent a card! Most people don't know what to say and this person faced it square on. Respect.

YANBU and I totally get where you are coming from.

After not being brilliant when my beloved nan died and I was a dreadful mess as it had been hideous (too busy with a new man who had just come on the scene) I thought my best friend of over 10 years might be a bit better when my grandad was very ill last year. I saw my best friend on the Sunday and said to her he was in hospital, clearly wouldn't be coming out but, didn't know how long it would take. I heard nothing from her until Friday when I got a text that said "Just off on holiday. See you when I get back. Hope your grandad is feeling better."

I was gobsmacked. Feeling better? He's fucking dying. I didn't expect to hear from her while away (although had shoe been on the other foot and I was on holiday, I'd have at least sent a text or two over the week to see how she was doing). She got back on the Saturday. I didn't hear from her. I didn't hear from her Sunday. Or Monday. Or Tuesday. I finally heard from her by text on Wednesday morning to say "Sorry to hear your news x".

Grandad had died first thing Monday morning. I got to the hospital two minutes too late. I deliberately didn't contact any of my friends that day. I did contact one on Tuesday morning who obviously told a mutual friend that night who I know saw my best friend Tuesday night. This is someone I have always been there for and whom has always called on me rather than her own mum when there've been problems.

Suffice it to say, she is no longer my best friend.

Springydaff, precisely. Friends of ours recently lost their daughter in the most unimaginably awful way ( so much so that it was in all the national newspapers).
No words are ever, ever going to be sufficient but we sent a card, texts, went to the funeral, messaged them afterwards, just tried to keep in touch.
It's the very least we could do, and at the same time, really all we could do.

SharnersWig, I'm so sorry. It's just rubbish and I feel for you.

My friend finally messaged today, to ask if I'd like to meet for a coffee. No mention of my sister. I messaged back to say I wasn't free but thanks for asking. She responded that she felt she must have upset me in some way, but had no idea how. So I told her...and in response, she lectured me on how death is a private thing, and that there was no point in asking how my sister is, because she's dying etc.
Needless to say, I'm even more stunned now.

ShatnersWig, not SharnersWig.

Oh my goodness. She has absolutely no idea at all!

She can fuck off.

It sounds very sadly like your friendship might be over. Unless she has amazing redeeming qualities in other ways, not being there for you when you’ve told her what you need is just basic.

What a cunt.

Oh, she's a piece of work. She can fuck right off.

That's how I feel.
Maybe she meant well (I'm trying to be kind), but informing someone who has previously been through loss, and is going through it again, that it's a private matter, when they've just told you they're hurt by your lack of communication just seems heartless and bullish.
She said that I knew she was thinking of me. How? How would I know that, when I haven't heard from her? She also asked how she was meant to ask me how I am.

I honestly can't believe that people still think saying nothing is preferable to "intruding", when loss and grief is involved, and that they defend their stance, even when told it's hurtful.

Oh God. Really, get rid of her.

How DARE she lecture you!

That’s awful.

I’m one from a family where any mention of bad things is considered intrusive but if a friend told me they would prefer I did ask I would be utterly unreservedly apologetic and do my best.

I replied to her last message, basically saying that it's really not difficult to simply send a message that lets the other person know they are in your thoughts, as other friends have managed to do.

She replied, arguing her case again regarding "privacy", and said that she could ask how things are now but ilI would probably think she sounded I, and she hoped I would eventually realise she wasn't being selfish, hurtful etc - she was just "respecting my privacy".

If I had wanted my "privacy" respected, I would never have told her what was going on in the first place.

She has a bizarre, overt idea of what's private. Her 19 year old son had a girlfriend he was very involved with, who was included in various family things etc. Girlfriend suddenly stopped appearing, but my friend never asked her son whether they'd split up, because "it's his private matter".
IMO, that's just plain uncaring. You don't need to demand every tiny detail it a blow-by-blow account, but surely asking after your child's emotional well being is just a kind, sympathetic, supportive thing to do? Let them know they can talk to you about it if they choose to?

I would probably think she sounded insincere.

She sounds like a very selfish person to me - I would certainly be steering clear of her in the future.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this situation with your sister.