To feel upset that my closest friend hasn't been in touch since I told her my sister is going to die *possible trigger*

[Floottoot]

Just that, really.

My sister was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer out of the blue in August. She started chemo, seemed to be doing ok and then things suddenly started to go wrong and at the beginning of this week, we were told that there was nothing more that could be done for her. She was moved from hospital to her home yesterday, by ambulance, to spend what little time she has left at home. She is unable to eat and they have stopped feeding her, so it's only a matter of time now.
As a family, we are completely heartbroken, not least because she loves in a different part of the country to me, my mum and my other siblings and she doesn't feel she wants to see us before she does (she's already very weak and bed-bound, and she doesn't want us to see her like that).

I messaged my closest friend what was happening as soon as I found out. She didn't really say much (I get it - it's not easy to know what to say), but she hasn't been in touch at all since. Not a word. Nothing.
We've been best friends for years, talk all the time on messenger, see each other regularly (she lives less than 15 minutes from me) etc, so it is not normal behaviour from her.
Other friends have messaged, if only to let me know they're thinking of me.

At such a bloody awful time, it seems ridiculous that I'm dwelling on whether someone's messaged me or not...but I am. I've found myself feeling more and more angry as the days have gone and still no word from her. I've always done my best to be there for her, as I have for all my friends, always celebrated her family's highs and tried to help her though the lows, so I just feel hurt by her silence.

I'm being unreasonable, aren't I?

Not BU at all
This is the worst fucking thing
And yes it’s displaced anger but it’s justifiable

I am sorry . It’s shit . I send you all my strength

I'm sorry about your sister OP. And your friend, it'd worse that she is normally in such close contact so must feel like she's ignoring you. I'd give her the new fit of the doubt in case she feels like she's being helpful - just text her and be honest, say I'm having a shit time, I haven't heard from you recently, I need a friend right now. How she reacts will tell you everything

That's a very cold way to think Museumum. Friends should be there for each other in good times and bad. People need support when times are tough.

I'm so sorry OP! Sending love and hugs to you DS and family

Yanbu

I am really sorry that all this is happening when you could do with the support

The same thing happened to a friend of mine and she is no longer in touch with her friend

I have nothing to contribute not already said - but I wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and genuinely wish you all the best.

I think you need to forget about you friend and go and see your sister. Take some baking, don't stay long because she will get tired but be there for her.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all this and your friend is not being very supportive.
Please don’t waste thoughts or energy on her right now, just look after yourself.

Yanbu. Some.people just cant.cope with it. I have learned a lot since my dh was very ill. It's not hard to support people,.you just have to ask.how they're doing, but so many people are just so awkward.about it. You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they handle.this.stuff,. im sorry she has let you down. Try and.put it out of.your mind now and focus on whats important now x

So sorry to hear about your sister's diagnosis, what a shock for you all.

YANBU. The odd text from your friend would be a comfort, sometimes all you can say is 'I'm thinking of you' or similar. It's just to let the person know they are in your thoughts.

I hope your sister is as comfortable as possible.

My DP of many years died very suddenly. The people who were there and have continued to be there for us suprised me. Please do not take it personally, I have worked through the anger I felt towards those who did seem to be there (including family) because I now have the benefit of time. Being generous to some they either could not cope or did not realise how important is was. Others were just not as close as I thought we were. Just focus on you and the support you have around you now, the rest can be sorted later. My closest friends were not necessarily the ones to see me through it. The people you need are the people who can be there and offer emotional and practical support.

Gosh that's hard op. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister

ime of my own life-threatening illness, it was such a surprise who turned up - and who didn't! The ones who didn't I found SO hurtful - unbelievably hurtful. It's a tough time to find out who your friends aren't.

As a consequence, my friendship profile changed dramatically. I'm afraid I dropped like a stone those who didn't turn up. I now know that those who are in my life are keepers who know how to give when it matters.

ime those who talk about 'leaving people in peace' or 'giving them dignity' have never been bereaved or faced agonising situations. Or are just plain selfish.

I don’t think you at ABU as it is difficult but don’t measure a friendship on their way of dealing with it some people literally can’t hsndle it. For me when my dad died so called friends came to funeral and one girl out the group didn’t . Fast forward I realise now that those friends were not real friends still speak and see one who didn’t come. Some other great friends kept in touch too. This particular friend just can’t get to grips with bereavement and haven’t gone thru it yet. Sorry to hear your bad news big hugs from a MN stranger :/)

Sorry to take so long to come back and respond - I hadn't spotted more recent replies. ( I've NC since my original post, for unrelated reasons, for anyone wondering).

My friend did eventually contact me, but actually her message angered me more - she asked how my week had been, before telling me in some detail what a fantastic week her DS had had with his various exams and parents' evening feedback.
I'm afraid I snapped back, saying that I'd obviously had an awful week, but was glad to hear her DS was doing so well. After another couple of days, she apologized, saying she realised it was a stupid question, but I haven't heard from her again since ( nearly a week).

Other friends , that I would have previously said were less close, have messaged me daily or every couple of days, just to ask how I am and tell me that they're thinking of me - that's all it's taken to make me feel they care and understand.
I don't really go along with suggestions of it being intrusive - turning up on the doorstep might be, but a simple message of compassion and concern that doesn't require a respinse could never be intrusive IMO.

Forgot to say, my friend's silence and clunky handling of the situation got me thinking about how she's been previously about other, less obviously difficult emotive situations, and made me realise that, actually, she's never handled them well. I've always felt that she's a bit unfeeling ( or, at least, controlled) but it hasn't mattered much until now.
I'm not sure that I want to maintain a friendship with someone who I now realise sees and feels things so differently to me.

I lost my sister 4 years ago in very similar circumstances. I really needed support but found out a few of my friends weren't really my friends after all. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Reading willstart
And your updates sums it up really

You just don’t do that to a friend when their sister is dying . Text about your bloody kid

OP you have her Number (ie what’s she is like ) . And again if you find your thoughts focussing on her awfulness rather than the awfulness of your sisters situation / well don’t be surprised . Our brains are funny . Sometimes in the most awful
Times they make us upset about an issue that’s seemingly so secondary . I struggle to articulate it but have experienced and seen it

What I am trying to say if if your head goes
To This issue rather than the sheerawfulness of Your sister / don’t beat yourself up

I dropped my best friend when my Mum died. I’d kept her updated and she just wasn’t there for me. She had just started in a new career (mind you so had I!) and had a new boyfriend but my Mum was dying! I waited several weeks to tell her my Mum had actually died..even then it was one lame text. I realised then that things had one way for some time.

On the contrary, I rang one friend I hadn’t talked to in a while to tell her what was going on and she genuinely asked how soon I was free for a visit because she wanted to be there for me.

Situations like this make me you realise who your true friends are. I’m sorry you’re going through this whatever gets you through.

Yes, you're right. Or maybe times like these show you what's important to you in a friendship.
It sounds like my friend would be perfect for those people who think that it's better to give someone space and respect their privacy while dealing with loss.
Conversely, maybe I'd be the wrong person for my friend in the same situation, because I know I'd have taken her flowers or called or messaged her, and kept reminding her that I was thinking of her.

Horses for courses, I guess.

I'm sorry that is all happening to your dsis.
My dm died recently and l became a bit obsessed about a few people who never acknowledged it. I was so angry. But looking back as someone said here l needed a place to let my anger out. While l don't think the same of them l have let it go.
Also l have a person in my circle ill with cancer. She doesn't want anyone involved and l find it incredibly difficult to know how to support her. I have sent messages but feel very useless and think she must wonder..who is there for me? ..but she has kept us out which of course is her perogative. Its not always straight forward.

I understand what you're saying, but surely that's the point - you tailor your support to what you know of the other person.
So, my sister doesn't want anyone but her husband and children to see her, and I'm respecting that, even though I want to be involved and there for her.
On the other hand, my friend knows me well enough to know that keeping her distance and not staying in contact is absolutely the last thing I want or need.

If you can't put yourself in the other person's shoes and know the right thing to do for them, it can't really be a close friendship, can it? And if you can't do that, or even make a well-intended attempt, when they're going through a really traumatic time, what actually is the point of all the chat over coffee that went before?

June

I read that a daily text saying ‘thinking of you . No need to reply ‘

Can let people know they are in your thoughts and does nott crowd them xx

Ime when I was very ill it seemed like people thought I needed full on support. All I needed was to know they cared. A far away friend sent a card every week, just chatting about this and that, and that meant the world to me. I'll never forget it.

That's lovely, Springydaff.
A very old friend, who happens to live within half an hour of my sister and who is a GP, has messaged me regularly. She's offered me somewhere to stay, and given me info as to how things like end-of-life care works, useful numbers to pass on to my BiL etc.
Another friend has messaged daily, just to check in with me. If I don't reply for a day or so, it's fine - she just wants me to know she's there.

For all my 'closest' friend knows, my sister might already have died, but she's never contacted me to find out.
I just can't imagine ever being the sort of friend that behaves like that.

I think even if you're somebody who feels ill at ease when it comes to talking about difficult emotions, it's possible to show helpfulness and support when a friend is going through something painful.

I'm rather of a pre-texting generation, but the 'rules' I was brought up with would suggest a phonecall or a card, saying 'I am so sorry to hear your bad news. I'll be thinking of you.' and 'Is there anything practical I can do - now or later to help.' That would be the done thing...