About surnames

[ValidUser]

So I got married in July and changed my name. I got a rather nasty email during the week from an old colleague telling me a woman should never change her name.

I replied that my old name was my father's name and I didn't see any feministic merit in keeping it. I also feel that my choice should be respected.

Just wondering what people think.

(No this isn't my biggest problem.)

I changed my name in my twenties as my father wasn’t party of my life. Chose my own surname (mother’s middle name).

When I got married I changed my name, to mark a new phase of my life.

Found I missed my old name, so have recently changed it to a hyphenated version of my name and my husband’s. I did think about just reverting to old name, but that didn’t feel right either.

I think it’s a personal choice, and your colleague overstepped the mark. I do think people should consider what they are doing and make a conscious choice about what they prefer.

I think Old Colleague sounds batshit. Same as anybody that would have a go at you for not changing your name.

I fail to see how it's any of your colleagues business. I did change my name and am glad I did, I like our family all being "The NoNames".

Clearly it is an individual choice

I think the feminist answer is: it's your name and your choice and no one else gets to tell you what the right choice is. Women can choose to change their names for all kinds of reasons, and so long as it is their choice, there's nothing anti-feminist about it at all.

Old Colleague is an absolute weirdo. None of her business!
And I say that as someone who wouldn't change my name. Ignore her OP!

Ditto to what @MamaLovesMango said!
Ignore the crazy woman or just reply "thanks for that, have a nice life!" And ignore any further attempts to contact you.

You should just email back saying well a woman should never judge another's choice to change her name when it is none of her buisness

I think your old colleague is an interfering dick.

Tell her a woman should never criticise another woman over her choice of name

I kept my name and still think your colleague is batshit. Whatever my personal views on someone's name decision are, it's not my lookout.

At my wedding reception one of my friend's mothers asked what my name was now and I said "still Dealer, I'm keeping my name", and her response was...memorable. "Oh NO, no, no absolutely not, you're not one of those women are you?!". She was obviously pissed and her companions looked very uncomfortable. But at least with an email you can simply delete it!

Your old colleague is a bit weird to email you about it, can't see how she ever thought that would be well received.

The issue here is the difference between your personal specific circumstance and thinking about this more generally. The history of women changing their names in the UK was due to essentially transferring a daughter to her husband's care. Women had their father's name, then their husband's name. It's impossible to argue that this was not patriarchal. Of course now women can choose, they don't have to follow this custom although many men still expect it.

Your choice is your choice, no one should be criticising you individually for what you want to do.

How very odd and rude of her. She’s right, of course, but had no business messaging you about it a propos nothing. Ignore her.

She’s right, of course

Bollocks. The only right thing is to not judge any woman for what they choose.

As PP said, I didn't change my name when I got married but think it's absolutely none of my business what other families choose to do regarding their surnames!

Feminism is all about having choices, so she's totally unreasonable in her comments.

I do disagree with your reasoning though, that your name is your father's and 'there's no feministic merit in keeping it.' It's YOUR name, given to you from your father's line but now it's yours. If it's your choice to change it, that's your perogative absolutely. I didn't change my name (21 years married) as it's MY name and I didn't feel like I should have to be the one to change it. And DH kept his name too😉

Whatever makes you happy.

I’m not judging. I’m just pointing out that while people are perfectly free to make the choice they want to, there are choices which are feminist and choices that aren’t. Changing your name to your husband’s on marriage is not a feminist choice. Deciding to randomly berate someone for doing it is a very rude choice.

I agree with Bridgetreilly

At present there isn't really a sustainable alternative to the patriarchal tradition for families who want to all have the same name and not end up with quadruple barrelled names after a couple of generations. Yes you could create a made up new name or hybrid of your names upon marriage I suppose but seems a shame to lose lots of history and will make life very difficult for genealogists of the future!

In retrospect I kind of wish I'd kept my maiden name as a middle name but I don't lose sleep over it

Feminism is all about having choices
I thought it was about equality(?) Maybe I'm wrong.

Personally my heart sinks a bit when I hear a woman has changed her name on marriage. I want to mutter "women are no longer chattels!" I am surprised how common it still is. But I would not say so out loud. That would just be rude.

I changed my surname when I got married. I would say a majority of women do. It’s really none of your old colleague’s business.

It is still very common, I'm the only person I know apart from DMIL who completely kept their name and didn't even go double (or triple in my case) barrelled. Even the stationary designers "changed" my name on our table plan for the reception, cue me bawling my eyes out when I got it home and realised the night before the wedding. Although I'd specified my name, they took the liberty of changing it for me as apparently most brides forget

I'm with Bertrand on this one. I inwardly judge women who take their husband's name but would never say it to them, because that would be rude.

I can understand that keeping your previous surname on marriage is a 'feminist decision' but what about naming any subsequent children and deciding what surname(s) they should have?

If the answer is double-barrel then what do you suggest the next generation of feminists should do when naming their children? (triple/quadruple barrel?)

‘I’m not judging”

Let’s be fair Bert, you probably are.

We went with girls my name, boys his.

You have to start somewhere