About surnames

[ValidUser]

So I got married in July and changed my name. I got a rather nasty email during the week from an old colleague telling me a woman should never change her name.

I replied that my old name was my father's name and I didn't see any feministic merit in keeping it. I also feel that my choice should be respected.

Just wondering what people think.

(No this isn't my biggest problem.)

And that’s not imposing or enforcing any stereotyped roles or gendered divisions is it echt

We gave up the tradition of a wife giving all her property to a husband on marriage about 100 yrs ago. Funny how the identity tradition still persists. Not the same in other countries.

Why should a man changing his name to the woman’s surname be any different to the other way round? We should all be free to chose with no societal pressure.

DH and I both liked our identities so have happily lived with different surnames for 20+yrs. Simples.

That's precisely the scenario I'm in Shagged. My DH is insistent he can't "pick one half of his name" to join with mine, and I'm sure part of that is because he doesn't want to offend the parent that's "dropped". I still don't begrudge DMIL for keeping her name even though he's being a pain in the tits re. DC's last name. Luckily we have until mid-July to think of something.

And that’s not imposing or enforcing any stereotyped roles or gendered divisions is it echt

You have to start somewhere.

But maybe not there echt.

But maybe not there echt

Possibly not for you.

Do what you like OP.
It's a nice tradition I think. I love my husband and was pleased to change my name.
Some people are just mean and intolerant.

I think the "it was my father's name" thing is bollocks personally. Especially when people then talk about what a year their dad was and how happy they are to change. If you really felt that way, you could have changed your name any time. The only person I have ever met who did this (to my knowledge) was a man who chose to ditch his father's surname in favour of his mother's because his dad was such a wanker.

After how ever many years, it's your name.

However, while I wish more women would keep their names, it's just rude to castigate a woman for a choice like this. Particularly out of the blue like this colleague.

I don't get the argument that it's my father's name so it doesn't matter if I change it to my husband's name.
Firstly it is my name, it's been my name since I was born.
Secondly, men usually have their father's surname too, but somehow it's different for them, it's their name not just their father's. You refer to it as taking your husband's name not taking your father in law's name. So why is his surname his but yours is your father's?

I don't think changing your surname on marriage is a feminist choice but it's pretty rude to have a go at someone because they've done it.

Why are surname discussions always focussed around what a woman will call herself after marriage? Do we assume men are too feeble to tolerate a change in identity?

There are many reasons to change a name, it’s a choice, and it’s not right to berate someone for it. In my case, my family were abusive and that name was a millstone round my neck. I married quite young and took my husband’s name - because it was also the name of his mum, his sister, his dad... it was the name of a new family who loved me, a family I wanted to feel more a part of, rather than keeping the name of a family who didn’t love me and didn’t want me and hate me. If I hadn’t married, I’d have changed my name anyway. I wish I’d chosen a new first and middle name for myself too, but it’s too late now. But I wouldn’t tell people my reasons unless I knew them really well, because the abuse has left its scars, and when I’ve opened up to people previously it’s caused more shit to rain down (including trouble at work). So yes, we do need to consider the social and political aspects of choices, and whether they are really “free” or not, but let’s not tell people off for it because we might not know the whole story.

Your colleague is incredibly rude, OP.

Why are surname discussions always focussed around what a woman will call herself after marriage? Because that's the way of things, the norm.

Do we assume men are too feeble to tolerate a change in identity Most threads on this topic on MN show resistance on the part of men to women seeking to retain their first surname. So yeah, feeble.

Here's an article I read today:

www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/why-i-chose-to-take-my-wife-s-surname-20181107-p50egg.html

Yes, it's rude to comment negatively on someone's choice of surname, whatever their reasons.

Having said that, I do feel that changing your surname to your husband's is a patriarchal tradition I want no part of, so I didn't do it (and it didn't occur to my husband to expect it). We didn't want any double-barrelling either, so gave our children my surname. They have his surname as a middle name.

Your name, your choice.

I have a long and rambling story about why I took my first husband's and then my second husband's surname but it's my name, it's my business, it's my choice.

I consider it as feminist a choice as choosing not to, because it was a choice, taken freely.

Of course every woman should choose whatever she wants to do. Think about it, and choose.

But until it is just as likely that a man does the same thing, and just as likely that a man adopts his wife’s name or hyphenates with hers, then the feminist choice is to retain your name.

It isn’t a wrong choice to change your name, but it isn’t the feminist choice.

And your friend has no business telling you off.

echt as long as we keep the narrative at ‘what should a woman call herself after marriage’ that is all that will be discussed: how women behave. It leaves men out of the discussion.
If the discussion was an equal one, as in ‘what should men and wonen do with their surnames after marriage’ it would allow men an equal voice and maybe slowly change some male defensiveness.

The whole of the equality movement has this issue, women are expected to bear the weight of behaviour change to accommodate male needs. I believe this is unfair and derogatory to men, they’re strong enough to be able to adapt behaviour too. It may be a long road but letting them know they’re able by allowing them into the debate us a first step,

For the record, my father is fabulous and I had no issue with having his name.

Also, I was pleased to take the name of my favourite person on marrying him.

(Possibly not relevant, but I'm the higher earner and he does most housework. No subservience here.)

I'm with Bertrand on this one. I inwardly judge women who take their husband's name but would never say it to them, because that would be rude.

^ This.

For those saying feminism is all about respecting women's choices no matter what choices they make, what you mean is liberal feminism

I'm not a liberal feminist and think they're are plenty of choices women make that aren't feminist.

But yes...ex colleague was rude to pick you up on it. I would think it but wouldn't say anything unless asked my opinion.

Dark

I didn't and don't see my/any woman's choice of surname after marriage as a discussion/debate. My choice.

"Letting"... "able"..""allowing". FFS Just more women bending over backwards to accommodate the assumptions of certain men.

I hate people who think they have the right to judge another person's choice.

Change it or don't change it, it's noone's business but your own.

I'd spent 29 years being teased for my stupid name, I was glad to be rid of it. (Cue idiots posting the usual bollocks about how it's strange only the women have silly names)

i kept my maiden name as I couldn't be faffed with all the paperwork. Our DD has now a double-barrelled surname. Posh innit?

DH and I both changed our names when we got married - we are double barrelled and I love it - it was his idea - I was happy to stick with my own name but I’m so glad we did it. (Though whilst it was easy for me to change my name with banks etc, DH struggled a lot - still has one credit card who can’t work it out, we have been married for 12 years... go figure) - our kids have both of our names - and that leaves them with a choice if they get married - and choices are awesome after all.

But, your colleague was being rude - it’s your choice to make and No one else’s business. (I have a friend who changed her name when she got married and is now something like Robin Robinson - but I respect her right to choose than - it doesn’t affect or bother me!)

OP your colleague was rude but why was your surname your father's but your husband's is his own?

"I'd spent 29 years being teased for my stupid name, I was glad to be rid of it. (Cue idiots posting the usual bollocks about how it's strange only the women have silly names)"

I'm not going to say that- (although it is a bit strange!) but I do wonder why you didn't just change your name to something you liked as soon as you were old enough.