About surnames

[ValidUser]

So I got married in July and changed my name. I got a rather nasty email during the week from an old colleague telling me a woman should never change her name.

I replied that my old name was my father's name and I didn't see any feministic merit in keeping it. I also feel that my choice should be respected.

Just wondering what people think.

(No this isn't my biggest problem.)

Your old colleague sounds like a twat.

As it happens I agree with you op as there really is no feminist choice. I don't see how it's any more feminist to keep the name of one succession of men than to change to the name of another succession of men. Double barreling is only practical for one generation. However, I understand the other point of view that it's your name as you have already been called it for years. To me still that's just timing.

I don't see a truly feminist alternative. I also shave my legs and wear make up. I live in a patriarchal society I can't just make it disappear.

I didn't really want to get into this debate as I know I won't change my mind and those with the other view won't either so it's a bit pointless to rehash again.

But as it's being had again and your colleague was so rude, I suppose my two penneth worth won't hurt.

I think women changing their names is outdated and sexist, but I can understand waiting until marriage to change a silly name. Getting married gives a socially acceptable reason to change your name, and it's almost expected that women will do so. Changing your name beforehand because you don't like it might be hurtful to some families.

@TwistedStitch technically of course both are our fathers' names. My (poorly put) point was that I don't have any particular attachment to my maiden name.

I'm technically taking someone else's father's name.

And ditching surnames altogether would be ok by me, but I'm unfortunately/fortunately not Madonna.

When does your name become your own then OP? I've had my name for nearly 40 years, is it mine now, or still my father's?

@TwistedStitch again, phrasing is my problem. It's your name. Mine is mine.

I was trying to say that mine came from my father as opposed to never was mine.

I have no objection to taking a name from someone other than my own father.

Your colleague sounds like a fucking headcase. Tell her to butt out, CF.

I have had five surnames!!! The one I was born with (my dad's), my mum then gave us her second husband's surname when she remarried, which I had for 10 years, stepdad was a violent arsehole and I was his punchbag, I had a nervous breakdown because of the abuse aged 16 and when I was 18 (mum had split with him 2 years prior) I went out and changed my surname by deed poll, my real dad had barely been in my life and I didn't want any link to my step dad, so I changed my surname to the surname of a famous rock star!!! (It's nothing outlandish, a real surname, not common, but only fans of the band would recognise it).

Fast forword 10 years, I got married, wanted to keep my chosen name as there was such a big reason to what I endured and why I changed it. DH was unhappy, so I compromised and double-barrelled it.

My double-barrelled name is soooo unusual that I'm the only one in the country!

Taking us to today, I work in radio and magazines now, as a presenter and writer. My real name is such a mouthful and also many presenters use a different name because of stalkers, so I use my mother's maiden name for my media work, but my real name for everything else.

So yeah, back to your post, do what you like and ignore everyone else. It's nobody's business.

I liked DH's name and it was higher up the alphabet than mine.

YANBU
What a nasty thing for your colleague to do. It's absolutely none of her business!

OP forgot to say YANBU and your colleawas out of order.

ECHT I completely disagree.
I do not gave to discuss why I choose/vote/believe what I do but to dent debate and discussion is to stop progress and descend into totalitarianism.
My mother wasn’t allowed allowed her own mortgage after she left my father, our family and female politicians argued that and changed change society. If you wish to be paid less than men you can accept that but you can’t deny us our right to demand discussion, but you can stay out of it if you wish.
Echt I have no interest in your name, but if you think you gave the right to stop someone debating equality, dream on.

We both double barrelled when we got married, I actually have no huge attachment to my name, it's my dad's we're close but I have a brother and about two dozen cousins so the family line isn't going to die out, however DHs surname was a diminutive of my first name think Christine Chrissy, thick would've been a bit much, so we both double barrelled. I've kept my maiden name for work at I'd established a reputation there and we both work in the same industry so I'd rather keep work and personal separate. To me the feminist answer is that it is your choice as a woman which name you have.

I changed my name when I married many years ago as I had a pretty terrible surname. I'm divorced now but haven't bothered changing back to my birth name.

If I married DP then I probably would changed my name as my current surname is my ex-h's (confused yet?)

I don't think it matters really, it's your choice and your colleague was pretty rude and insensitive.

Echt I have no interest in your name, but if you think you gave the right to stop someone debating equality, dream on

I have not said that women changing surnames is not a matter of debate for people who like that sort of thing, after all, here we are. What I said was that that I did not debate it. It was not negotiable. Even that overstates it somewhat. It never crossed my mind that my DH would even raise such an issue. Nor did he. My using of my surname is an expression of my politics, as "natural" if you like, as giving blood, being in a union.